Parents of children with very low weight/anorexia, support

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Am Inthe only one?

I've looked on b:eat and there are no support groups for carers in my area. Am I the only one who could do with a thread where we can support one another here on Mumsnet?

Spilly, really interesting to hear from your perspective, thank you.

I think it must be so hard as a mum/dad to see your child go through that....i only appreciate that now ive grown up and am expecting a child! Feel so angry at myself for how i must have made my parents feel . At least your dc has someone who is so obviously loving/caring

we've been handing it down through the generations for a while in my family, considering how comparatively rare it is out there in the general population it's definitely over represented among my siblings, cousins and our children

this sort of adds to my guilt but also takes it away, depending

MrsIncredible so good to hear your DDs bmi is up.
Calmit sounds as if we are at a similar stage. DH has said DD's must attends the assessment , so I'll follow your good advice and just tell her we are going .
Neuf spilly and Poppy it's so kind of you to share your experiences.

Dd is out for dinner at a cafe with her friends, I hope she eats. Do I make her have something when she gets in?

Dry, how did your dd get on at the cafe?

Hope things are going alright for you and your DD, dry

I've started to realise how horrible it is to be watched when eating for our children. The way my DD uses hot sauce and spices and odd food combinations is like a woman in labour using a TENS machine to distract the brain from another pain. Every meals is as personal and private as giving birth, or a private medical procedure. It's put my off taking them to restaurants, or trying to make plans at mealtimes.

oh Peace, it is all so draining isn't it?

I realised that every time dd went to the kitchen I would follow her hoping she was looking for food , have stopped now.

Now that I'm in charge of food, DD follows me to watch what goes in to try to negotiate smaller portions or less calories, no oil or potatoes etc. It gets to me sometimes and I get tetchy about it if I'm not careful. We just have to find other things to do and talk about after meals.

We went to see a film yesterday, and that was nice.

Peace and all, I am waiting for an asd dx but was a very typical annorexia 'type' - already slim but normal in the way I thought about food, under stress for personal reasons, and very clever, known to be high achieving, perfectionist. It was my mum going on about my weight (natural loss due to stress) and aunt that I think made it worse. I focussed on it and then just was overwhelmed. My mum I caught adding sugar to baked beans and my trust for her was totally destroyed. I had an old fashioned treatment which I think had some merit - hospitalised, large amount of food at regular intervals and visits from a psych. I was told at a certain point y o u stop rational thought and they wanted me to put more weight on than I needed because I would lose some when I left. So, left at 10.5 stone and went down to 8.5. Went in at 5.5 ( I'm 5'8").

I was then asked by school to mentor a younger anorexic student ( or befriend really) and that was the worst idea ever. She had the more modern all annorexics together, group therapy etc and it seemed to encourage competition and prolong any steps forward. Make sure you ask whoever is treating your children about abythi g that concerns you or you don't get. You can't support them if you don't know why something is being done.
Horrible illness - I dread dd developing it, I feel for you all.

Morning everyone.
Interesting about watching them eat, I'm totally guilty. It's hard not to though when you're desperate for them to eat and not sure you trust them.
DD is also cooking a lot. I thought she just enjoyed it, now I'm thinking its a way of finding out what goes in our food.

Friday they ended up in Pizza Express. She said she'd had 2 dough balls from a shared starter and a salad with tuna, chicken and feta cheese. I googled the menu and they don't do that weird combo. I showed her and pointed out that we d agreed to be honest. She admitted she'd had a different salad but was scared to tell me .

We had the agreed weigh in on Saturday morning......she's now 7.13 from 9.6 last year I'm devestated. I think she was shocked too, for her height she can't go under 8.

Sunday a family friend, her age, asked her o go on a cycle ride to a local cafe. She had a great time and had a piece of cake i checked with my friend, the mother . Feel heartened that this happened, it was a good day without too much food talk.

The Teenage Mental Health unit iis calling me back this afternoon. I'll arrange an appointment. We have the gluten test on Thursday . Feeling a bit positive .

She is making an effort, she is eating, but just not enough. It's diet food.

The irony in my house is I have a 16yr old rugby playing son who can't eat enough, and a beautiful DD who is the opposite.

DD has started ripping uup heup her breakfast toast, dipping each bit in her smoothie, then putting itbin her porridge to eat it. I can overlook that...it's when her dressing gown sleeve dunks in the porridge every time she dips a piece of toast in the drink, that gives me the heebie jeebies! I must wash that dressing gown more often, she's been wiping her fingers on it every breakfast time. (Keep telling myself it doesn't matter, but it does to me.)

Yesterday DD was saying she doesn't like the breakfast bars, or the smoothies, or yogurts (there's been a lot she doesn't like lately...any food.)
So I asked her if she accepted that she is ill...she didn't think so, she didn't think she had anorexia. I explained about how the hippocampus works, and that it's likely to be genetic... I explained how once she's over this, and hopefully she will get over it and fully recover, she could have some crisis when she is my age and it could all come back. Only I might not be around to help. So I'm wanting to see her accept that she is ill and recognisevthevwarning signs. Accept that the nutrition dense foods are what is needed, and that she has it in herself to get the help she needs and do what the professionals recommend. It seemed to help a bit. Talking gently helps.

I've also got the ironic difficulty of being overweight, and wanting to eat less than her . So now I workout, I can eat a piece of toast, a sandwich and a couple of snacks and a good sized dinner and still lose weight. As we are similar heights, it's useful to for her to see this ...that I've eaten the same sandwich (or soup/dinner/toast) as the one she's struggling with, and I am still losing weight...so she needs the sandwich and the drink and 3 extra lunch things and snack to put ON weight. She forgets, but it helps to get that meal eaten, as long as I'm calm and gentle.

Peace my Dd is also dipping dry toast into her smoothie for breakfast.
i keep telling DD that with all the exercise she's been doing she'd have toned up and lost weight without the crazy diet. She doesn't get it at all and has now cut down on the exercise, the penny needs to drop.

Afternoon everyone.

Dry, 7.13 . I have deliberately not asked how much dd weighs, not sure I can cope with it but she did say she is 2lbs underweight. She bought a top last week, size 6 . Did you get your appointment sorted? We have ours on Wednesday.

Peace, I am also overweight, dd and I must look a joke next to each other.

We had a good talk yesterday and dd gave the the analogy that giving an anorexic a plate of food is the same as giving a dyslexic a copy of Shakespeare and telling them to read it.

Calmit I had to weigh her so we can see progress, or not, every week.ive always been anti scales until now.I can't believe we've let it get this bad. DD is shocked too.

I was offered an appointment next week but it's DDs exam week so they'll send me a date the following week.

Peace we did the Mum quiz at dinner with DS this evening. Great fun.

Dry it's strangely comforting that your daughter dips her toast in her smoothie too. :-)

Yay for the Mum quiz! :D

I'm catching up on some TV shows DD1 is recommending. She went to a concert with her dad at the weekend and she seems relaxed and happy.

CalmIt Also oddly comforting that you and I are matching-dissimilar shapes to our DDs.
I love your DD's dyslexia/Shakespeare analogy!

Dry, I'm feeling the same about how it got this bad, guilt setting in.

DD has text to say she has abandoned swimming today, her costume is all baggy and the shoulder straps won't stay up. I think it's either an 8 or 10 . If she was thinking straight she would have thought to try it on last night, she's all over the place.

DD came and chatted on my bed late last night. It all came out:

She's been using MyFitness App to monitor calorie consumption and has done all the extra walking/exercise deliberately.she said she's deleted them now

She's been using another calorie counter app to restrict her calories to less than 1000 a day.

She watches what I eat and copies.--I told her I'm 48 and have a slower metabolism

She admitted she feels tired all the time even climbing the stairs at school

Her friends have noticed her hands go purple when she's cold.

She's noticed her bones showing on her chest, and doesn't like it.

When I told her the other day that she should be having at least 2000 calories a day to just live let alone exercise she was surprised, she didn't know.

I'm heartened that she's telling me, perhaps she's getting the message. She said she was really going to try to eat more and today had granola, strawberries and a piece of toast with Flora on it. She's just home and taken some left over couscous salad and a small slice of cake as a snack.

She's embarrassed to eat more than her wrap at school infront of her friends who are all weight obsessed, so I said am I right? as long as she had a filling breakfast, after school snack and decent dinner that was ok. Also that she needs to mix with other friends.

Calmit that's horrible about your daughter's swimming costume and missing her class. So sorry.

Dry, the friends this is so difficult isn't it? I think at school she needs to eat what she is comfortable with and as long as she has the breakfast and dinner it's a good start.

DDs hands go strange colours as well, they tinge black when she is cold, she is also very tired, her hair is falling out . Exams Thursday and Friday then she is done.

Dry, it's fantastic that she has been able to tell you all that. Really wonderful! :D

I'm not a professional. ..you'll have to see that they say about lunch, but for now if she can eat a wrap at lunchtime that is brilliant. (DD has more weight to gain and she has to have a main and 3 other things (one sweet) plus a nutritious snack and a smoothie/milk drink with me every lunch time). Ideally, they shouldn't go for more than 4 hours without eating and drinking something, so packing good snacks in would help too if she can manage it.

DD is not looking quite as skeletal now, but her hair is very dry and brittle and breaking off, and both DDs' hands go funny colours.

The swimming costume incident is another thing that is lovely to have shared with you, CalmIt. :-) All the best for the exams - roll on Friday!

Peace, she had no idea she was too small for the costume, she was with friends as well, she came home on her own .

Am slightly panicking here as dd doesn't eat anywhere near...yesterday she had a couple of spoons of natural yoghurt with a few blueberries and an apple with a couple of dried apricots!

CalmIt, when is your DD's appointment with the Teenage MH unit? Good idea to phone them and ask for the details of the ED unit/clinic, see if you can get a more urgent referral. Let them know about the drop in clothes sizes and what she ate yesterday and stress the urgency.

You are all so brave, I hope your daughters continue to improve.

I am in 2 minds about weighing scales, I find they make me obsess more and I'm better not to weigh in at all and just use how my body looks as a guide but I can't stick to it.

I've managed to put on 5lb over the last month and am up to 7stone12 now. The lowest I can be is 8stone3 to have a bmi of 18 but I am finding the next 5lb very difficult.

Expect your daughter to go in waves with her recovery. And to feel in two minds about it as it happens. On one hand I am really pleased with myself for putting on 5lb as I accept my eating disorder and know I need to get well. On the other hand I feel like the fattest and ugliest person ever and am angry with myself. I don't want to be fat, but I don't want to be too thin either.

Keep communication with your daughter going and try not to be shocked if she tells you the horrible things the anorexia says to her and how it makes her feel.

Peace, appointment is tomorrow, had to cancel two appts due to damn exams.

Snowberry, thank you so much for posting,I am understanding the waves. I don't want to put a scales number on my dd, I don't want to count digits...this could be wrong I have no idea, I am feeling pretty broken tonight.

So glad that the appointment is today! Hugs! :-)

You did all you could. The swimming costume and the little she ate yesterday are the things that they go through with these illnesses. It proves it isn't her choice or fault, and it isn't yours either. Take all that to your DD's appointment, and see if there is a time when they ask you about it.

Thanks Snowberry, I can see the waves of recovery too. It's good to know that the low points are going to pass and we just have to get through them. It helps to not get drawn into an argument.

I think you're right to not use a number for your DD, CalmIt. I've tried to not bother takng much notice of the numbers on the scales every week and not write them down, to let the counsellor deal with it. All that matters is to try to help DD understand that my concwrn is the correlation between what she eats and how healthy she is, and what 'a good healthy, nutritious diet' means for her when she is underweight.