Parents of children with very low weight/anorexia, support

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Am Inthe only one?

I've looked on b:eat and there are no support groups for carers in my area. Am I the only one who could do with a thread where we can support one another here on Mumsnet?

[CalmItKermit]

hope, glimmer of hope obviously!!


Dry, how are you doing?

[Snowberry86]

Your children can recover- keep the hope going.

I recovered when I was around 19, was difficult but I did it. Was then in recovery for 8 years before having a relapse. However knowing I've beat it once has made it much easier this time and I'm doing well at the minute. It does get easier, but even so it's still difficult. My anorexia demons never went away, they were just lying quiet for those years ready to be woken again when I lost control over anther area of my life.

[CalmItKermit]

Snowberry, thank you, it is unbelievably helpful/hopeful to hear from people that have been through this.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

CalmIt thank you for posting too. This thread and everyone on it has kept me going. I try to stay positive but if I only ever post on the good days then it defeats the purpose.

Am feeling more positive now. Accepted things. DD hasn't been mixing foods oddly. I've let her have her condiments for dinner.
DH has come home early (he wasn't here last weekend) and we've talked he's made someveffort at encouragement. Hope you sleep well and have a good weekend.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Snowberry, thank you too. It really helps. :-)

[CalmItKermit]

Peace, bad days are when we need each other the most, vent/rant away. So pleased you are your dh talked, this is so difficult alone.

We had bloods again yesterday. Nurse said to put hot water bottle on arm hour before appointment, worked a treat, found a vein, bloods done.

We have a paediatric appointment on Tuesday, they will decide if she goes into unit. We had meeting with care team who basically said between now and Tuesday dd has to gain or they will take her in. Therapist wrote a target eating plan with dd and said that she knows she can eat, and wants to. She needs to eat "dirty" as he calls it, pizza, chocolate, cake etc.

I said to eating is hard, hospital will be hard, I told dd to chose her hard.

She ate, she didn't feel great physically but she didn't say anything negative.

Therapist said our area has an excellent recovery rate and work with Maudsley, I feel there is hope.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Yes we work with Maudsley. It is widely respected as an effective method and however tough this gets Id hate to be in an area where they separate parents off and don't allow them any involvement. I guess we'd survive and deal with it but that must be harder.

Thanks for the tip about the hot water bottle! Just remembered that dD2 was prescribed some numbing gel by the gp to put on her arm to stop the needle site from hurting as much. I think it's a nice thing to do as much as anything and helps makes them feel cared for, rather than being tested 'on'.

So glad she has eaten a meal, that's a great first footbforward (of many).
Be prepared for her being home beyond Tuesday - will you be able to take more time off work, or free yourself up for mealtimes beyond you 2 weeks off?

[CalmItKermit]

Morning Peace,

Good tip about the gel, thanks. DD was quite bruised and score when they couldn't get blood the other day, so that would have helped.

Since Wednesday we have seen:

Therapist
Gp
Nurse/Gp
Nurse
Therapist

DD just wants them all to go away, so logically she knows she has to eat. I'm due back 24th assuming she's not in hospital we have an appointment 25th. Work really good at the moment, work in education so they are very aware of this sort of thing.

DD1 is back from university next week so I will make use of her around mealtimes as well.

[PoppyShakespeare]

am thinking of you kermit, and everyone, although I can't think of anything useful to say

hospital was a whole new demand, in terms of travel and more family therapy and sibling therapy and group parent therapy and (don't know if this happens at all units) towards the last month or so Family Meals at the unit in a separate room seemed a special kind of hell at the time but eventually she was coming home for meals, then overnight then for most of the week before being discharged to the outpatient or outreach service

I haven't heard of any inpatient units where parents and family are not expected to be there, does that happen within the NHS peace? We were much less involved when she was in a cygnet hospital but that's because it was too far away.

[PoppyShakespeare]

we were here I see they have 4 more beds now!

[Drywhiteplease]

Hello everyone. Had a very tough week. Think in going to need this thread more than I expected. Up until now I thought it was " just a diet gone wrong" now I'm feeling it's much more and am feeling defeated today.
Bloods taken last Thurs for gluten ' intollerwnce' and everything else.
GP again this Thursday .
Appointment with teenaged mental health unit on 29th.
Burst into tears when I had to tell my scary boss who wasn't scary about it at all and very kind.

I thought we were doing well this week but DD hasn't put on any weight at all, she hasn't lost any either. I thought she was eating much better, don't understand it.......will have to ask again about purging.
She is obsessed with sugar, although she will eat dried fruit.
DH is supportive and ' nagged' her about eating a snack this morning. After that we agreed that we shouldn't both be on her back about food, leave it to me.
peace your post yesterday about taking away something of she doesn't eat madee think. May say she can't go to the gym if she hasn't put on any weight next week.

[Drywhiteplease]

There is a fine balance between being tough to make her realise this is serious and patient to keep relations good. I don't want her to stop talking to me .

The other thing she's saying is that a lot of her friends weigh x and eat xxx for breakfast and aren't underweight , why is it different for her? And she's right looking at her friends. I tell her they have probably always been that body type and haven't lost nearly 2 stone .

[Drywhiteplease]

Trying new contact lenses, not good at all, apologies for typos!

[CalmItKermit]

Poppy, thank you for your post, any insight from anywhere is much appreciated.

Dry, so glad you came back but sorry it's been a tough week. Don't feel defeated, keep talking to us, we are all in this together. Seriously after just two sessions with the therapist I really, honestly believe that dd can do this now that she's basically had the shock that if she carries on with 500 cals/day she will die, end of! She has lost a lot of weight in a very short amount of time.

Is it worth phoning to see if you can get an earlier appointment?

I definitely agree that just one of you talk to her about food. The positive is that she hasn't lost any weight this week (I have been trying to find positives in the most dire times).

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Dry it sounds as if you're saying thevright things in relation to the gym and friends' weights.

Yes it helps if one talks about food (minimally. Nagging results in DD coming up with excuses and strengthens her resolve to fight us.) The other can help fetch things and clear the table and think of more positive things to talk about.

The outpatients service they offer here is part of the NHS. I think.it might be more the older patients who go though, or ones who have been through the family based therapy and still have a very low weight.

[Drywhiteplease]

DD understands that she needs to eat more, but what she is eating perhaps isn't rich enough to add weight.

I'm flummoxed because she's been eating pasta, brown rice or roast sweet potato with each meal, a portion that I think is reasonable, and extra nuts and dried fruit as a snack, but still no gain.She is adamant she hasn't been purging and she doesn't seem to race to the loo after meals.

Today so far I think she's eaten very well;

Breakfast was a fruit smoothie made with cottage cheese and berries and half a bowl of granola. 2 slices of toast.
Snack...handful of almonds and 4 dried apricots.
Lunch a wrap with 3 thin slices of brie and a slice of ham, spinach and a few left over sweet potato wedges.
I've been with her all day and she hasn't had a chance to purge if she wanted to. Really don't get it.

I'm beginning to blame myself.
What I haven't told you is that I was bulimic at 17/18 and have always been very careful about what I eat although I love wine and will never cut that out. She never sees me eating junk,chips, cake on a regular basis although I adore cheese and dark chocolate and believe "a little of what you fancy does you good". I adore cooking and we eat really well and together as a family. Because of my experience I've been extra careful to never discuss diet or weight and always emphasise healthy food and fitness as important.
I know she looks at what I eat.
Deep down I wonder whether it's my fault.

I guess that's all irrelevant now.......I need to focus on her getting better.

[CalmItKermit]

Dry, please try not to blame yourself, concentrate on getting dd better.

Our proposed menu was similar, therapist said it was more of a maintenance plan not a put on weight plan. My dd needs big fat dirty calories to get some weight and fat on her not nutrition at this stage.

I have spent so much time in the supermarket reading labels, looking for a quick fix to stop her being hospitalised on Tuesday.

Let me bore you, or hopefully help you with a couple of my findings:

A whole packet of Sainsbury basic noodles is 528 calories!

Tesco ready made chocolate crepes are 137 cals, they are thin and don't taste too starchy, dd has managed two of these today, 274 calories in a few bites!!

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Dry, it is natural to blame yourself. I think it is part of the grieving process, and in my experience the brain wants to find a quick solution to the whole messy problem and so it reaches a handy shoet cut of 'it's all my fault!' so it can take a rest from the whole conundrum. I'm the same. I can remember my family being beside themselves with worry about me not eating propeely. Not only that, DH and his mum attest to a time in his childhood when he lived solely on fish fingers (for about a year). So that doesn't make it iur fault...it makes it highly likely that genetics is the cause of our DDs' eating disorders. So not our fault in the sense of our parenting.

I can tell you that people with anorexia don't care what anyone else eats. If they can make a comparison that means they can eat one less chip, one less bean, they will. But it isn't because of any interest in what someone else eats and we've been told it's then a matter of saying 'what's healthy for you is not the same as what is healthy for me or school friends or anyone else.'

Looking at what your DD ate today, dry it is a great start, it's as much as mine ever managed before seeing a counsellor and it just needs a bit of tweaking.

So, for reference, thus is how I'd changebitbup once I'm 'put in charge' of DD's meal plans by the professional:

Breakfast: a fruit smoothie made with milk, yogurt, or a banana and berries and a bowl of granola (one full Amwrican cup). 2 slices of toast with peanut butter, chocolate spread or butter or jam.

Snack...bigger handful of peanut or macademia nuts (almonds are good though) and 8 dried apricots (25g is serving). With a small glass or milk or fruit juice or hot chocolate drink. Or a packet of crisps.

Lunch a wrap with 3 thick slices of brie and 2-3 slices of ham, spinach and a few left over sweet potato wedges. plus a drink and 3- 4 other things e.g. boiled egg, flapjack, yogurt, a banana, crisps, 30g dark chocolate, 25g peanuts, 25g dried fruit, chunk of cheddar, 4 cocktail sausages, 4 falafel...or a 600 kcal sponge pudding).

Then an afternoon snack and calorie dense drink.

Dinner and dessert and calorie dense drink.

The drinks really do make a big difference.

[Drywhiteplease]

Peace you're amazing. You have made me feel a lot better.. Thank you. I also thought, seeing DDs daily food list,that you'd think it was a lot (!) .....

shes just had a pasta fresh ravioli dish with tomato sauce. Said she felt sick, I've said she can eat her pudding later, but she will only agree to eat half a mango and a glass of milk skimmed, she won't drink anything else. I'm wondering whether she says she feels sick so she doesn't have to eat more I'm such a mug

I really don't know how on earth I'm going to get her to eat more.....hopefully the TMHU will help with this. Still it's more than Shes survived on for the last few months.

[Snowberry86]

Feeling sick is a horrid part of the recovery. I struggle with nausea and find it really hard to eat anything while I'm feeling sick, it's isn't just an excuse not to eat. Stretching your stomach after it being used to very little as well as the anxiety that eating induces can make anorexics feel very sick. If it continues as her GP for some anti sickness tablets to help so it can't become an excuse.

In case it helps- I have just discovered Aldi's special range of strawberry yoghurts are 196 calories each. I find it a great way to get extra calories in as even when I'm not hungry or struggling to face real food.

[PoppyShakespeare]

Dry I found it so helpful to be with other parents who all also blamed themselves - my mum passed down disordered thoughts and behaviours to me (and my siblings) and I passed them on, partly learned and maybe partly genetic and obviously widely supported and encouraged in our society too

I was interested in the idea of anorexia being a sort of mostly female autism but haven't heard much more about this theory lately

[PeaceOfWildThings]

I'm trying out the minipill and I think it is making me depressed I seem to be getting worse by the day. So, stopping tomorrow and will phone the GP. I've asked DH if he can try to get some sort of compassionate leave while I go on Prozac in case I have bad depression as a side effect (the deprssion on the minipill has been hard enough) and because we so desparately need time together as a family before the summer, if DD1 is going to have daily treatment at the ED unit.

For us, I'm 99% sure that the genetic factor is the main cause, triggered by puberty. I never thought I had an eating disorder but I can remember hiding food behind the radiator behind my place at the table, and my family trying to get me to eat eggs any every opportunity. When I told my aunt about DD1's ed she said there was a time my mum tried to get advice from every expert in the country in desparation to get me to eat! I didn't believe her at the time, but now I remember a spate of having to go home for lunches (mum worked so it must have been hard for her) and I had to get breakfast with dad. I can remember my brother babysitting me and I wouldn't eat my mashed potato so he picked me up, carried me up to my room, dropped me on my bed and ordered me to stay there. I can remember everyone being worried but not knowing what about, as though they were keeping a secret from me...but I was the one with the secret.

[CalmItKermit]

Hospital today .

Been very hard the last couple of days, dd not eaten as much as she could/should. She has bagged up majority of her clothes to be taken to the charity shop, says she needs things that fit her. Doesn't seem to realise that she can and will fit into them again. Also said she doesn't want to go to prom.

I feel very sad and very, very tired.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

CalmIt, very hard that the illness has got a hold and that she needs hospital treatment. It isn't her fault or yours, it's just the anorexia. Hospital will be the best place for her though, and there should be lots of support for you too. Please still be a part of this chat here, it makes no difference to us!

Bagging her clothes up is a way of expressing her thoughts and how she's feeling. I'm impressed actually, that's a pretty constructive way for her to deal with those feelings. I hope one day soon you will both be bagging up her low-weight clothes that she has grown back out of and has no further need for and really do take those off to a charity shop!

How long until prom?

[CalmItKermit]

Hi Peace, hospital visit today is for them to decide if she goes into unit not admission, sorry should have explained better.

Prom is in three weeks.