Parents of children with very low weight/anorexia, support

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Am Inthe only one?

I've looked on b:eat and there are no support groups for carers in my area. Am I the only one who could do with a thread where we can support one another here on Mumsnet?

For us, it's lentils (those pouches of lentils and such are great) tinned fish, pasta (I use the Weight watchers fuelling because it has slightly more protein in it) pakoras, boiled eggs, half bars of chocolate, avocado, a variety of vegetable oils, tofu, roast dinners, bolognese...

This morning I called DD2 back to eat a spoon of cereal she'd left smeared in her bowl. She groaned a bit, but did it. She said she 'feels full after half a bowl of oats'. This is what she would make for herself before I started giving her all her meals and snacks. (just for a week or two, before that she ate no breakfast).

So left to her own devices, she would be just eating half a medium bowl of cereal. On top of that, she eats 2 slices of white bread, one with peanut butter, and a 9bar (snack, because I can't be with her at snack time) and a glass of juice. So it shows me that it is worth me doing what I'm doing. Every bit of food that they eat over and above what they want to, is an improvement.

Even with DD1, who would eat so much less and had such a low tolerance for any calories at all, if I hadn't helped her, she wouldn't have managed to beat it alone. (For the last year or so she's been trying to manage it alone and won't accept my help.)

The other side of it is that no amount of food I get them to eat changes what they want. It doesn't change the disordered thinking. That is still there.

Peace re the disordered thinking, I read this:
'my therapist drew a line at 19 (BMI) on the graph of my weight gain, a line I never believed, at the start, that I would reach, and certainly never believed would change anything, even if I did. But as my weight came closer to that line, the obsessiveness, the inflexibility of thought, the physical effects of starvation, and all else that had been predicted to diminish, did so.'
It's by Emily Troskianko. You've probably come across her but if not her stuff's worth a read.

I think it's because here, the counsellors don't aim for a BMI of 19, with both of my girls it seems they will settle for something like 18... But that didn't work for DD1, and we started to let her take the reins of what she ate too fast and too soon. She's never let me have the reins back. She managed OK for a while but then it went badly over the winter. Winter seems to be the hardest for her.

Hi All
Am hoping I can join you for advice and support as I am really struggling today. DD(15) had her first apt with Camhs. It was heartbreaking listening to her admit to considering taking her own life, admit she is still self harming by cutting, admit she feels she cant eat more than 500 calories a day. Where has my sparky, fun loving, adventurous beautiful girl gone?
She is fading away before my eyes.

lakeland I know exactly how you feel. We are at a similar stage. I just want DD to be really happy again.

Hi Lakeland. So sorry you've found yourself here. As heartbreaking as it is, I guess it must be a good thing that your DD was able to voice those thoughts on Friday. Somewhere your lovely girl is still there under all those worries. My DD is a bit older (17) and has been cutting, having suicidal thoughts and restricting calories since she was about 14 but it has only come out into the open over this last year and I feel awful knowing that she struggled alone for so long. I hope camhs were able to offer you something useful.

Hi Lakeland and welcome. So sorry that your daughter is so ill. The self harm and depression are hard to hear about, I know. Getting professional help is a huge positive step to her recovery. You can't help her alone, but you'll be a big part of her finding ways to manage all this.

Make sure you get help and support yourself too. It's good to see you here. Use whatever online resources you can to help your own mood.

I read an article about raising mood with a journaling exercise to try for a month. Every evening, list 3 things you liked about yourself. Every morning read it. It has helped me through the tough times just recently.

Welcome on board Lakeland.

How's everyone doing?

[smile dd said she's craving ginger biscuits

Woo hoo, cravings are great news!

Our weekend has been difficult around meal times again. Quite a bit of concealment going on. Although we did manage a picnic at a nature reserve. I just packed the usual type of lunch I do for school and that was fine.

For lunch today, I challenged DD2's anorexia with a lentil and rice curry (instead of a butterless sandwich) 2 slices of white bread, as well as bread sticks with a peanut butter dip, crisps, jerky, dried fruit, drink, etc. Got there in the end but took time.

DD1 asked me (by text) to bring her home at lunch time. I didn't understand at first... But then she said she'd had a panic attack in a lesson... She is coming off one anti-depressant to try another to help with anxiety. When she came out of school to me, she was in floods of tears. So not able to manage emotionally so well without the ADs. (But much prefer the tears to self harm, and she must be feeling terrible.) She's home, had a foot rub and now fallen asleep on me.

Calmit I'm imagining you keeping ginger biscuits in business now! I cleared Asda of banana chips yesterday and am keeping Dorset Cereals bloody expensive stuff in business!!

Peace sounds like a great lunch for Dd2. And some progress with Dd1.

Terrible day yesterday. Felt like food police again, didn't end well. I think dD has the message that she needs to eat but doesn't want to put on weight she said it feels as if she has 2 brains . Today I've tried really hard not to talk about food, and when she's said no I've said "well it's up to you, it's your life"......which is less confrontational.

Next CAHMS meeting tomorrow. Although her eating is a bit better I doubt she'll have put on weight. She's goingbto have a shock when the nutritionist gives her food lists.

Peace, the lunch sounds good...but what is jerky?

Dry, I totally understand the two brains thing . Good luck for cahms tomorrow, wonder if you would share the food lists? Neither cahms visits, overnight hospital stay or two dieticians visits have produced lists [confused.

Peace, sorry meant to add that I hope dd1 is as well as can be expected....you have so much going on x

Definitely will Calm. Haven't you seen a nutritionist? Is it different in different areas?

Really hope she's put on some weight. Have just looked at DC honey granola and 100g has 480cals. She has at least that in the morning and a bit more after school.A handful of banana chips has approx 100cals.

Lunch at school is still a problem. Same old wrap with a teaspoon of humous, one slice of ham and a handful of spinach. She took in a cereal bar today (146cals) but refuses to take more. I've suggested adding another slice of ham but she won't. It's a constant battle isn't it?

Dry, yes, seen dietician twice now. Have to say that I don't find her particularly helpful in that last week she kept banging on about how dd should be aiming for 9 stone 10, she wouldn't let it drop. DD was completely distraught. No other advice given apart from get those 3000 cals down her any way you can.

Dietician appointment is in 3 weeks.
Dd has put on 1lb which is great.
Not sure how I feel about today's appointment. I'm glad they're helping us but at the same time I find the place depressing and that the councillor is trying very hard to label DD with depression. Dd said she just feels unhappy but was pressed for a "reason" other then the horrible,diet obsessed,bitchy friends at school
Was also give 3 more appointments to attend, one a week, it seems a lot. Glad they are helping though.

Calmit I can understand your DDs feelings about that weight gain. Why don't they start small, say 1/2 a stone to start and them see. Seems so scary.

Hi All
Thank you for kind and supportive words. DD has deteriorated really quickly and I am struggling a bit to get my head around it all. We've just had a few days away at DGP. Its a happy place for all of us and I thought a change of scenery would be good . Sadly DD just found it more stressful and has hardly eaten or drank anything for 3days and has fainted a couple of times.
We go back to CAMHS on Thurs to meet with the 'team'. I hope the team are more productive than the Doc we saw who told DD "but you need to eat". Because of course she's never heard that before!!
Can I ask if anti depressants are useful? DDs' mood is so low and I don't know how much she will engage with CAMHS whilst she's like this

Lakeland, I can't say how useful anti depressants are going to be for your DD, but they've been very helpful to mine. They seem to start everyone on Fluoxetine, which doesn't suit everyone. DD needs something to help with her anxiety too, so is changing to Citalopram.

I've started taking ADs and I am already finding that I'm not crying and being wrung out by every new upheaval. I'm a bit sleepy, but my Base mood is happy, not sad.

Yesterday DD refused to eat her lunch. Any of it. It was right before her Ed appointment. She wouldn't buckle up in the car and I had to stop and do it for her. Then she wouldn't get out until I pointed out she'd be more embarrassed if her counsellor had to come out to the car to talk to her. She say stony faced through the appointment.

The upshot is, I'm to keep her off school for a week and give her counsellor daily email updates of her progress in eating, concealments and attitude.

Lakeland, my dd did the three day no food thing and she rapidly deteriorated having lost 2.5 stone in a very short time.

Have her periods stopped? Is her hair falling out? Do her hands turn strange colours when cold? (my dds turn a shade of black when old, very odd to see)....anything like this make sure you tell camhs. Our team were very concerned after initially speaking to dd then went into overdrive when I added the above.Good luck with for tomorrow. How is dd today?

Peace, so sorry you are having such a hard time, it really is rollercoaster isn't it? Any idea why the change in dd?

Lakeland, meant to add,can you also get her to gp/nurse for bloods and ecg?

CalmIt, the most likely cause is that she's been getting better... While she had been such a low weight, she didn't have the strength to fight and now that she does have some strength, she's using it to fight me and the counsellor. She did eat breakfast and lunch, but I'm sticking to my guns and saying she has to really try to have a change of heart, to accept she's ill and start accepting the help she's getting.

Hi Peace, that sounds a likely explanation, sounds like it's going to be a tough time though. How are you doing?

Mainly, I'm sleepy!
How are you?