I'm not sure if I should be posting here. I don't know if I'm suffering from anything at all. My mind feels all over the place.
I've suffered from depression (sometimes treated, sometimes not) since I was a teenager...so 15 years+ For as long as I remember I've obsessed about food. I go through cycles of living on 1000-1200 calories for a week/sometimes as long as 2 or 3 weeks. Then for reasons I can't understand my feelings of accomplishment (and those feelings are incredibly fleeting, most of my time is spent hating myself) trigger a binge. For example, Friday I weighed myself to find I'd lost 1.5lbs....and since then I haven't let myself feel less than uncomfortably full. I mean, so full it actually hurts. I stand at the cupboard eating anything, I don't feel in control, I don't feel like I can stop. When I feel a binge coming on i'll buy in the foods I'm craving so I can eat them all in one go. Its shameful. And when this ends, I'll go back to having to feel hungry again (I don't have a choice, I have to do it to feel like I'm good enough.....for what?? My children? My family?? I don't even know!). This is the cycle, there is no let up, there is no break from it. I never feel adequate. I ALWAYS hate myself, I ALWAYS hate how I look. Obsessing about what I'm eating (diet or binge) takes up so much of my mind space. I spend most of my time, no matter what else I'm doing, thinking I'm not good enough and (possibly, is this what I'm doing?) trying to control those feelings with food - either the control or complete lack of control of it.
I'm not overweight. I'm 5ft8 and seesaw between 9st 6lbs and 10st 2lbs (where I am now after the weekend I guess....and hating myself for my absolute stupidity). But I hate myself. And I hate food, the control it has.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I control this? Everyone sees a relatively slim woman but I'm drowning myself in self loathing and using food to keep afloat.
Its so hard.