Feel like nobody will help me

[Justtheonemore]

I'm not sure if I should be posting here. I don't know if I'm suffering from anything at all. My mind feels all over the place.

I've suffered from depression (sometimes treated, sometimes not) since I was a teenager...so 15 years+ For as long as I remember I've obsessed about food. I go through cycles of living on 1000-1200 calories for a week/sometimes as long as 2 or 3 weeks. Then for reasons I can't understand my feelings of accomplishment (and those feelings are incredibly fleeting, most of my time is spent hating myself) trigger a binge. For example, Friday I weighed myself to find I'd lost 1.5lbs....and since then I haven't let myself feel less than uncomfortably full. I mean, so full it actually hurts. I stand at the cupboard eating anything, I don't feel in control, I don't feel like I can stop. When I feel a binge coming on i'll buy in the foods I'm craving so I can eat them all in one go. Its shameful. And when this ends, I'll go back to having to feel hungry again (I don't have a choice, I have to do it to feel like I'm good enough.....for what?? My children? My family?? I don't even know!). This is the cycle, there is no let up, there is no break from it. I never feel adequate. I ALWAYS hate myself, I ALWAYS hate how I look. Obsessing about what I'm eating (diet or binge) takes up so much of my mind space. I spend most of my time, no matter what else I'm doing, thinking I'm not good enough and (possibly, is this what I'm doing?) trying to control those feelings with food - either the control or complete lack of control of it.
I'm not overweight. I'm 5ft8 and seesaw between 9st 6lbs and 10st 2lbs (where I am now after the weekend I guess....and hating myself for my absolute stupidity). But I hate myself. And I hate food, the control it has.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I control this? Everyone sees a relatively slim woman but I'm drowning myself in self loathing and using food to keep afloat.
Its so hard.

[Italiangreyhound]

I would consider going to the GP and asking for help.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry you are going through a tough time. I hope you will find the help you need.

[Italiangreyhound]

Justtheonemore have you visited the thread at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/2216929-Binge-Eating-Disorder-Support

It is very helpful.

[bettyboop1970]

Sorry your feeling like this , google disordered eating, may be helpful. Hopefully someone will come along offering good advice. Take care.

[Verbena37]

Hi,
I'm not sure I can offer practical support but just wanted to say hello and I'm sure you aren't alone in this and to ask whether you have had any help and support from anybody before?

Have you seen your GP to see if they can offer you specialist help?