Possibly know my donor conceived child's half sibling ...

[Blubbles]

So, DH has genetic infertility,we have a daughter with donor sperm. DD is 5.

By chance one of our friends is also infertile, his is due to an injury when younger. He has a donor conceived child with his wife, she is 2.

He and DH were chatting about it and about their donor and some details were very very similar.
Profession, age, appearance/height, reasons etc.

DH and friend are both incredibly height, build, ethnicity, eye colour etc

I am now wondering if they both children have the same donor and they are half siblings.

Should we even consider asking more details and going down that worm hole? Or leave it be as a coincidence and forget all about it??

Forget about it! What would you gain?

Did you use the same clinic or donor bank?

Absolutely shocking that someone thinks you should forget about it and what would you gain. Just wow. As a donor conceived person I would encourage you to explore this further. Most DCP value knowledge about siblings and would really appreciate their parents trying to figure this out. Imagine how your child would feel if they find out years later that their sibling was there all along and they didn’t know. Or worse, that you suspected it but didn’t follow up on it.

I think I'd have to ask, especially if this is a friend who is likely to be around in your life as your child gets older, your child deserves to know if they are hanging out with their half sibling, or at the same school?
I thought donor children were supposed to have the right to be able to know about and contact donors these days? Is there any information about if or how they could contact siblings?

Could you just have a DNA test on your children rather than ask and see if they are half siblings?

Oh hang on - do you mean ask the friend who their donor was? Ie. They don’t know your suspicions?
I answered thinking you meant ask the clinic.

What a mess. Your poor child.

Why is it a mess? And why poor child?

Just watched a scenario like this on Boston Legal.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1263119/

They asked the clinic to simply advise if the 2 people were related.

I'm going to be kind. The children in OP have the right to various knowledge due to the 2005 change in legislation, which they can obtain as adults, if THEY choose, if UK records available. If you are older than 20 you don't have that same right in UK/England/Wales. And of course that law change prompted the enormous move to use anonymous donors from overseas. I wouldn't dream on behalf of my donor-child of taking any steps. That is their decision. They are aware of their circumstances, and are curious. They will be able to follow up as best they can when they choose. And hopefully have the maturity and grounding to be able to deal with the emotions.

DH and friend are both incredibly height, build, ethnicity, eye colour etc

Huh?

I think I'd want to know but you may have to wait till the kids are 18? Not sure but maybe the clinic can tell you more.

Not sure why you’re quoting me or telling me you’re ’being kind’ but I hope you don’t have a donor conceived child with that attitude.

Go do some research on how donor conceived people feel about having their identity and genetic family withheld from them. That would be kind if you have a DC child but really it shouldn’t be an afterthought.

I discovered that I can apply to find out whether my donor conceived child has half siblings. I decided that this was up to her and I wouldn't do anything unless she asked me to.

Surely it would be better if you already had this information?

They are both female so you don't need to worry about that aspect. To be honest I would probably log it as interesting but not relevant at the moment. What would happen if they are half siblings? How would things be different? How would you feel if as a teen your dd decides she wants to live with her half sibling?

I would be clear with your dd that she is donor conceived and if your friends do the same, when they are adults if they can do a DNA test if they so wish.

I'd be mildly curious, but I wouldn't push it. I assume your child knows s/he is donor conceived, so this is a good opportunity to explain that this is another family like yours. That's all I would do at this stage.

What do you mean by 'that aspect' and them both being female?

My DC child has known all their life about their origins. It was always important to me that they knew. Their biological parent didnt give a shit about them knowing. But they have no rights under UK law. Yes DNA testing has changed their possible knowledge. But it is and always must be THEIR decision to investigate further. And I remain glad that I didn't go and buy totally anonymous Russian or Ukranian eggs in Cyprus or Spain. But it is not for parents to be casually exploring this vague possibility when the DC children are not involved in that decision.

One would assume that they mean there is no chance of them conceiving a child together.

That probably won't make them feel much better if it turns out they are biological siblings!

Honestly, these things matter.

It's about the children, not the parents. It's kind of important to know where you come from...

It would be straightforward to 'informally' find out if they are half-siblings through both families applying to the HFEA to obtain the non-identifying info held on file (if you don't have it already) and comparing the pen messages, the sex and date of the DC children etc.

As to whether I would do it? My initial response was 'yes' (if both families in agreement). However, upon reflection, I'm not sure I would. The HFEA has set 18 as the age to find out this info (through SibLink etc) for the reason of maturity. A known DC half sibling is a lot for a child to deal with. What if they fixate on their half-sibling (especially if both are only children) and want to spend lots of time together, or one family moves abroad, or the parents fall out etc?

Maybe speak to the Donor Conception Network for advice?

Why is it a mess?

Why poor child?

What a shitty comment! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have experience with donor conception (for context), and in this case I would do nothing at all. It's the children's choice as to whether they look into their biological origins.

If you were to discover they were siblings now you would be forcing a connection to exist that shouldn't exist without both children's consent when they become adult.

Leave it well alone. Give your daughter the respect of allowing her choice, consent and control of her own life when she becomes an adult.