Possibly know my donor conceived child's half sibling ...

[Blubbles]

So, DH has genetic infertility,we have a daughter with donor sperm. DD is 5.

By chance one of our friends is also infertile, his is due to an injury when younger. He has a donor conceived child with his wife, she is 2.

He and DH were chatting about it and about their donor and some details were very very similar.
Profession, age, appearance/height, reasons etc.

DH and friend are both incredibly height, build, ethnicity, eye colour etc

I am now wondering if they both children have the same donor and they are half siblings.

Should we even consider asking more details and going down that worm hole? Or leave it be as a coincidence and forget all about it??

That happened to one of my friends who struggles a lot with it. Obviously it’s pretty rare so you can be angry about assumptions but it’s misdirected anger.

the complexities of being DC are still there. I only came on here to offer the perspective as a DCP but as usual I get people being dismissive or trying to ‘educate’ me on the law. Obviously I already know the law, I’m DC so I know more about this than anyone else that has commented on here. I’m used to people not liking the reality check but it’s sad as it just perpetuates harmful behaviours, I will continue advocating for the next generation of DCP regardless of the attitudes I encounter.

like I said please ask dcp people not recipient parents. It’s harmful to have your siblings identities withheld so if you can do something to help this it would definitely be worthwhile. I’m sure your child would really appreciate it. Most dcp value their sibling relationships far more than the one with the donor. Also donor can donate to multiple banks, clinics ship it around to other places, and donors can also donate abroad. The best way to figure it out is a dna test.

I will ask on DCN and have a think about what to do :(

I'm with @Latenightreader on this one. It is my DD's choice as to whether we look into this. If I go ahead and find out the information I've removed that choice from her.

They are useless and not working in the best interests of DCP.

go on Reddit and search askadcp. You may not even have to post if it’s been asked before, you can search through posts.

Ok

I'd 100% want to know

How wonderful for your daughter if it’s true! I would definitely want to find out. If they are siblings you can nourish the relationship and they will grow up like cousins.

I’d encourage those of you who are uninformed about donor conception and the rights of donor conceived people to educate yourselves

https://www.eachhub.co.uk/rights-of-dcp

This is not your decision to make as parents but your childrens' when they are 18. Note down your suspicions and give them to her if she ever asks but absolutely do not do anything now

Do you apply that to family members from your side of the family too?

I'd collect and keep safe all information that your DD might be interested in.
The details about her donor, the details about her maternal relatives, the family tree of her father, the fact that her friend XX is also donor conceived. (They both might appreciate knowing each other when they are teenagers feeling different.)

Share what you know in an age appropriate way and in line with her questions about her own ancestry as she grows up.
Once she is eighteen she can access her donor's identity.

I wouldn't officially obtain information about her bio siblings, except for the information that is already shared. If you are told she has four bio siblings, then share that info at the right time. Having a DNA check is something for consenting adults, surely.

Treat the girl as a treasured little friend who had similar beginnings.

Oh, I think it would absolutely have to do with feelings! I cannot imagine anyone who wouldn't feel traumatised to discover they'd had a relationship with a biological sibling. That's not to dismiss the serious medical implications of incest (obviously!), but I think it's hugely strange to act as if people only mind about incest when it has to do with reproduction.

Well, you did rather imply that! And I was rather surprised! (I have been reading your posts for a decade and more).

I just think it really does matter.

Op I'd leave well alone. It's making an already complex situation more complicated.
You don't want them in adolescence concocting plans to get intouch with the donor "their real Dad".

Or causing issues between the families if one wants to meet him and the other just doesn't.

I know of adopted kids who seem to become an negative influence on each other rather than positive, including saying things like "you can't tell me what to do you aren't my real mum"

Highly unlikely two people who have grown up together will enter a same sex relationship as adults. So I really wouldn't worry about that.

But I think this is a let sleeping dogs lie. Let the girls decide when they are adults if they want to know.

The risk of biological donor children accidentally having children together. There was a case of it happening. Likely a higher risk than you'd expect considering people are naturally attracted to physical traits which are familiar to them or similar to their own.

I have found the Donor Conception Network very helpful, not useless.

There is a lot of peer support for families and children and adults who were conceived via donor.

Among donor conceived adults there are a range of views, some see the donor as a giver of genetic material that enables them to exist and think of it as a wonderful gift, some are indifferent and then some share your desire to know as much as possible and to meet. I hope you can find the information you need. I am assuming your donor was anonymous due to laws at the time but maybe you will find them via DNA websites.

Personally I would want to know if I could - I’m in touch with several of my DC child’s half siblings parents (as well as the semi anonymous donor - he made contact with us via the sperm bank so we have more info already than is typical).

Although as all the DC are still very young yet it is only online contact via the parents at the moment - I’m just trying to keep our options open in case the kids do want contact once they are older but are not yet 18 (obviously that will be completely up to them to decide if they want contact, once I think they are mature enough to understand all the potential pros and cons of this).

Afaik most modern research with donor conceived people suggests they would like to have some level of contact with their donor siblings and/or their donor before they are 18 and apparently even the HEFA is starting to come around to this view (or at least say online that they are having consultations about it).