Possibly know my donor conceived child's half sibling ...

[Blubbles]

So, DH has genetic infertility,we have a daughter with donor sperm. DD is 5.

By chance one of our friends is also infertile, his is due to an injury when younger. He has a donor conceived child with his wife, she is 2.

He and DH were chatting about it and about their donor and some details were very very similar.
Profession, age, appearance/height, reasons etc.

DH and friend are both incredibly height, build, ethnicity, eye colour etc

I am now wondering if they both children have the same donor and they are half siblings.

Should we even consider asking more details and going down that worm hole? Or leave it be as a coincidence and forget all about it??

If one child was male, and one was female I would 100% find out, so they would be aware.

Have you had a conversation with the other parents about the possibility? I think that would be my starting point.

That's a rather horrible comment.

Do you think two same-sex siblings would be mysteriously unfussed by it?

I'd have a conversation with the other parents too.

I'd approach it from the angle of whether they'll feel comfortable if their child wants to investigate their ancestry when they reach adulthood. A general conversation along those lines should tell you which way the wind is blowing, and you could take it from there.

However, if you and they decide to do DNA testing or ask the clinic/s and it turns out the children are half siblings, what then? Are you all uncles and aunts to the children? Do you visit at Christmas? You need to think this through.

Bear in mind all the same that there may be a "type" of donor that many couples gravitate to - over 6", well educated, athletic, hair a certain colour, certain ethnic background, etc. In other words, there may well be more than one donor with wavy brown hair, blue eyes, 5'11", athletic build, with a degree from a leading university, working in engineering.

Two same sex siblings can't produce a baby who would likely be damaged by the closeness of the genetics. Nothing to do with feelings.

I absolutely think you have a duty to. Check out the survey by we are donor conceived if you want to hear the views of DCP on such issues.

But they could have romantic feelings for each other and act on those feelings, whatever their sex.

I would probably find out what age the donor’s other children are and see if that gives any clues. I can’t say what I would do (my child is via donor egg so likelihood of encountering a sibling significantly lower but a friend whose child was born via donor sperm knows the age of 2 siblings.

Do you think two same-sex siblings would be mysteriously unfussed by it?

@SarahAndQuack - I think same sex siblings are not going to be able to create a baby with the possible genetic issues that might result from parents who are siblings. I didn't think that needed to be pointed out, but I now realise I should have been clearer.

Dis you think I was meaning a gay couple would happily be siblings?????
FFS.

Putting all the legalities aside.

Let's say you find out they are. What happens then? Do you think 'ok that's a cool fact' and move on? Or do you come together and raise the kids as one big blended family? What if the other family don't want to? I think there's a lot to consider here beyond just the 'should I dig in to this or not'.

How would you find out?

No no no & no

I would have to find out and deal with whatever comes next.

I would fast forward and make a decision in the best interest of the children. You'd want to know, wouldn't you, if it was you?

If they are siblings... You'll figure out what you do with that info.

If they aren't, you move on.

There's a lot of comments in here from people who obviously aren't parents to DC kids and it shows.

I'd find out, and go from there.

You're not raising children, you're raising adults, is the way I always think about it. And one day, adult to adult, you'll have conversations with them about their conception and can you imagine if you said "oh well we always wondered if Sarah's parents used the same donor and you were half siblings.." your child's first question would be "why didn't you find out?"

You don't run off and play big happy families with donor siblings, and the idea from some posters that you do is ludicrous. You just find out, and then integrate that info into your lives.

Your child potentially has a half sibling as a friend, though they don’t know this. They also potentially (more than likely) have many other half siblings they’ll likely never know about. They’re at risk of meeting these siblings inadvertently throughout their life and will potentially form relationships of varying nature with them. They have no real autonomy over any possible sibling relationships. On top of not knowing whether or not they have siblings, your child also doesn’t know who their biological father is.

Interesting. There’s a family in our school group with a donor-conceived child. They are very open about it. They have information on half-siblings and they all meet up once a year. I assume it’s a box you can tick on a form. It’s nice for everyone. (They don’t have info on the donor.)

DH and friend are both incredibly height, build, ethnicity, eye colour etc

What is the significance of this?

I suppose you need to decide what your end goal is. Do you want the children to have a sibling relationship if they are siblings? If not, then it is kind of cruel to find out and then keep it from the children, or find out and then deny them a relationship.

You also can't decide this alone. The other family will need to be on the same page. And if you do both decide to tell the children they are siblings, you will also be telling the world that their fathers aren't their biological fathers. That's a lot of adult stuff to impose on small children.

Not OP but just to touch on a couple of points you made:

The significance of both men being similar is that some clinics don't give families needing donor gametes much of a choice in terms of who they use, but will try to match the physical characteristics of the intended parents to the donors. Alternately, in clinics where you do have more of a choice lots of people choose to use a donor like them physically.

With regards to the comment about it being a lot of adult things to put on a child - if you frame it like that, then perhaps it is. But the conversations are a lot more nuanced and age dependant - and the advice these days is for parents to bring their children up always having known they were donor conceived. It's not a shock if you tell your child "hey remember how mum and dad needed help to have you? Well the man who helped us have you also helped Bob and Sue" in an age appropriate way. If you sit your kid down at 18? THEN it's a shock.

That's how donor conception works.

We're open about it with her.

There's hundreds of thousands of kids that don't know who their father is....

Thank you 👍

Similar to @Teapot13. My gdt is donor conceived. Many of the kids (sibbies) are in touch with one another. I’ve spotted books being passed from the oldest to the youngest, toys mailed at birthdays and zoom calls.
The children live mainly in North America. Although the parents know the full number of siblings not all families stay in touch.
She will grow up as an only child yet she has many siblings. It’s really lovely to see.

'There's hundreds of thousands of kids that don't know who their father is....'

Other kids also have it crap so it's ok?

That’s disgraceful and very dismissive of the challenges of being donor conceived. You really should educate yourself for your child’s sake. You don’t know what it’s like to have an anonymous parent, waiting until 18 to find out who they are, hoping they are still alive. Not knowing how many siblings you have and whether you’ll even find them all. It doesn’t protect a child to have their parent or siblings identities withheld from them. This is why the law was changed but it doesn’t go far enough. Donor conceived people didn’t consent to having anonymous parents and siblings.

Instead of asking RPs you should go ask some donor conceived people, I bet they would all tell you to follow up on your suspicion that you may have found a sibling.

I have no fucking clue who my dad is. So don't tell me about that.

No, I'm just saying it's not unusual.

She will be able to find out her bio dad if she wants to.

And don’t tell me about being donor conceived. You sound pretty angry about not knowing your dad yet you’ve chosen it for your child. There are organisations that can help you find who he is via DNA testing.

I'm angry that people make assumptions. I don't want to know my dad, he raped my mother.

She knows she's donor conceived, she knows DH is her dad, it not her bio dad. She knows that families are all different (for example her best friend lives with her Nan, her other friend lives half at dad's, half at mums, cousin is adopted etc) and she will have the opportunity to find out her bio dad.

I'm just trying to work out if we should pursue this niggle or leave it :(