Not telling...

[SidneySquid]

I understand this is controversial, but has anyone not declared their child is donor conceived: either to their Dr, their family, or their child?

We are exploring embryo donation due to our son having an unidentifiable genetic disorder, and also I reacted badly to stims on previous IVF cycles.

We have been discussing who we would tell if we were fortunate enough to conceive. I sort of feel that the first person to find out should be the child themselves (in an age appropriate way) and I would therefore rather we keep their genetic parentage private and leave it up to them to tell people.

Would we encounter problems with this, or have you done it and regretted it? Has anyone kept it secret even from the child?

Absolutely no expert, but it really doesn't sound like a healthy idea.

I know from working with adopted children that the best way is when they feel they've always known- so it is just the narrative from before they can even understand. Personal social stories about their adoption from a very very young age and no big 'reveal'. In that way, I'm not sure what good it would do to keep it from anyone (including their doctor) if the reason is to prevent the child from finding out before you've told them.

If you wanted to leave it up to them to tell people if they wanted, then I can kind of see that that's fair enough with a child aged 10+. But for that to be a possibility you'd have to not tell the child until that age, which could cause them huge emotional issues. But if you're telling them from basically birth so that it's something they've always known and is never a huge issue for them to have to get over, then they're very very likely to just talk about it matter of factly to anyone - aunties, grandparents, TAs, bus drivers, shop workers!

If you look back at the history of adoption, we can see now how badly it effected a lot of children who were not told, which is why the advise is so different now.

Also, if you have it in mind to never tell the child, then beware DNA tests for the likes of Ancestory, etc. LOTS of families blown apart by these.

I think you are misunderstanding me: I’m aware of adoption and this is not really comparable.

My plan would be to use the age appropriate literature (eg DCN) so the child would be fully aware. I just can’t see a reason that my GP or family would need to know and therefore I’m asking on here for people’s experience in this regard.

I agree with Teamox. It is much better to normalise it from early on, rather than make an issue of it later on. There are lots of books available online to help children explore the concept of embryo adoption.

As I said, I intend to tell a child using the Donor Conception Network advised stuff in an age appropriate way, it’s other people I’m asking about.

I’m going to edit the OP to make this clearer:

Can’t edit the OP apparently

I think I remember why I stopped using MN - it’s like being in 1999

I’m no medic but would have thought your Dr would NEED to know - in my experience they often want to know medical family history.

@Geordieoldgirl do you know why? My son has a complex genetic condition and the only people who have ever asked family history are the Genetics Doctors. I can’t recall other than that anyone ever asking my family history for any reason.

I plan on telling my son, he has just turned 3 so not old enough to fully understand yet, I have told everyone else as I never want it to a secret in our house, I also have an 18m old from own egg so have to consider that too. I would never put him in a position where he told a friend/family member and their reaction was shocked/upset they didn't know, I would hate to have him feel that from someone else, as if it wasn't normal

I can't see why you wouldn't tell the dr? It would all be confidential after all. My son has asthma and before diagnosis, they asked was there any family history of asthma, what would you say in that situation for example?

I think if you plan to tell your child, then there is no reason other family members who have close contact with you and your child shouldn't know, for the reason that it may be difficult for your child if family members where confused, shocked or surprised if your child mentioned it. I think you sentiments are coming from the right place, it's the child's right to to truth and to have their privacy respected. Definitely the right way to go about it, thinking through possible scenarios now. My dsd's GP knows as questions around hereditary illnesses have come up and it needed to be explained.

If you don’t tell family but tell the child, you’re asking them to be complicit in a huge “secret”.

Then they either think it’s a huge deal or it gets spilled inappropriately.

DCN absolutely advocate for early telling and honesty. It doesn’t mean you have to write it on their forehead, it means you mention it casually early on and then it isn’t a big deal.

Also, DCN run workshops called Telling and Talking (outside of Covid times I guess). There are also “preparing for parenthood” classes in anticipation. I strongly suggest you attend this sort of thing to work out your own feelings before you get pregnant with donors and it becomes harder to talk it through.

Hi @SidneySquid I think I know where you're coming from.

Firstly hoping your son is doing well.

About the telling people - we're not planning on telling the grandparents until some time after a child (hopefully) is born.
Also not planning on telling anyone else with the possible exception of medical staff on a need to know basis. The psychologist in our clinic (in Spain) actually advised us to tell the child aged 7 or 8 but we prefer the approach of never having not known rather than a 'talk'. Donors are anonymous in Spain although there is always the possibility with DNA testing that a connection would be made when the child is an adult.
We'll order some books from DCN in the UK and they'll be just another storybook to read along with the others and when we tell them how babies are made (again pretty young) we'll add that some mummies and daddies don't have their own eggs or sperm.

@Geordieoldgirl as it happens we won't have the medical history of the donors. We do know they screen for many genetic disorders and rule out carriers of more serious ones. And not that it's a good thing but many people aren't sure of their own or their (ex) partner's family medical history.

The attitude in Spain towards donation is in some ways more open - for example there is no requirement for implications counselling although I do think there should be.

I can imagine my parents coming out with some clangers about the child's 'real parents' so we prefer for them to get to know the child as a person in their own right, not just a 'donor baby'.

I don't think the GP would need to know. One of my DC was thought to have a genetic condition so their parentage was discussed as myself and DH required blood tests etc. For our other DC this topic has never come up.

I think you may come unstuck if the child discusses what you have told them with wider family. Are you worried they'll not accept the child?

I think you need to be prepared for multiple medics asking you questions about your health to see if it have any bearing on your child’s health. It’s very standard throughout pregnancy and if your child is in NICU. It means you either lie and let the medics assume your child has or could have inherited something (and why would you do that?) or else you are honest and then it’s on your records and fed back to your GP as part of your birth report.

Have you spoken with DCN or a counsellor about this @SidneySquid? While you may obviously chose not to tell strangers or people you don't see very often, I think the advice is that by NOT telling important people in your child's life (eg. medical professionals, your child's primary school teacher and very close friends or family) you risk your child feeling like it is embarrassing or a big secret (in a negative way).

Not telling could also come back to bite you - if family felt deceived by finding out later, if they did family trees/genetics in school and your child let something slip/felt uncomfortable, if there was a potentially hereditary medical issue etc.

Once they are old enough to understand, you can have the discussion about secrecy vs privacy and they can still make up their own mind whether to tell new people or not, eg. in the older primary years or secondary school you would no longer tell their teachers, it would be up to them.

With mine I'm working on the principle that on the one hand it's largely his information to share as he wants to; but on the other that if he starts chatting away about it at some point while he's too little to have much idea what he's talking about, I'd prefer that people close to us have some forewarning so they don't react in a way that might lead him to think it's a big deal. So I feel that our close friends and family, and the staff at his nursery etc, need some awareness so they can react helpfully.

I think you should tell your gp, and actually I'm sure the clinic you use would share this information anyway. I've recently had my nhs screening for downs, Edwards and pataus. One of the questions on the form was about ivf and donor eggs. They wanted to know either my exact age at egg collection or the donors age. I think if you tried to keep it a secret from health professionals it could be a detriment to your child. Are you sure you have fully thought about donor eggs? Because it feels a little like you want to use them and then pretend to the world you haven't. Has your clinic offerer counselling?

@SidneySquid hope DCN resources can help with your decision. Do you feel it's more complicated as you have a child already?

I'm hoping to become a parent via donor, hadn't thought as far ahead as telling teachers, in a way it makes sense for the early primary years if they are talking about families although some teachers I know are quite gossipy. My instinct is I'd prefer not to but will need to discuss with DH.
I want to have the future child's origins as normalised as possible. Lots of extra considerations.
@Mseddy I can't imagine that a clinic would be permitted to tell anyone's GP about IVF or donor treatment without consent. Hope the screening went well.

@LividLoving those Telling and Talking Sessions are still going on via Zoom or similar.

Why would you not want to tell family/HCPs? You need to be proud about your decision and that in turn will instil a sense of pride in your child. You wouldn't want them to feel their origins were a secret would you?

On the flip side, if your first child has genetically linked issues, do you want those who know about this to think you’ve been careless and selfish and having another with potential challenges?
Agree with @Cally70

There is no way I would discuss my child’s parentage with his primary school teacher!

I think what you’re proposing is reasonable OP. But I think you might need to tell medical professionals in some instances.

Thank you @daisyoranges the primary teacher scenario is one I wasn't so comfortable with and DH and I discussed after I posted here a few days ago and he wasn't keen either so good to hear from another poster who wouldn't plan on sharing with the school.

@fallfallfall I suppose it depends how much people know about the genetic condition and the likelihood of it being passed on. To be honest people judging the OP as careless or selfish like that could do one, but if OP felt the need to justify their family plans to some people they could say they had IVF to create embryos without the condition.

I understand your desire dor a child to hear it from you first. It is their history and story. My family do know and so does our little one. He’s too young to ‘get’ it yet but it isn’t a secret. And he will have heard it from us first