Choosing a donor

[Tasha1994]

Hi, me and my wife start our fertility treatment next month. We just revived our consultation through. However don’t know how long between the consolation to the first attempt. Just wondering if anyone on here can tell me how we go about choosing our donor at the clinic? If any other couples have had to do this? As far as we know the clinic will give us options but that’s all we know.

Hi Tasha,

My understanding is that most UK clinics have small banks of donors who they have basic information about (height, race, hair and eye colour and maybe job and hobbies).

The alternative is to select your own donor from one of the big sperm banks and transport the sperm to your clinic. I think all UK clinics will accept imports from the two big European ones: European Sperm Bank and Cryos. Some UK clinics will also import from USA clinics: California Cryobank, Fairfax and Xytex.

The European ones have quite a bit of info about the donor, including baby photos, a hand-written note and an audio interview.

The USA ones have even more info including adult photos (on some profiles not all), long interviews that really give a sense of personality, essays, descriptions of family members, art/music they had created, etc.

I went for an American one because for me it was important to know as much as possible about the person who will be providing half of my child's genes, and being a curious person I know that if I was the child, I'd want to know these things too. But I do know not everyone feels that way - indeed a lot of people want to know as little as possible!

Thank you very much. We were hoping we would get to pick a more extensive profile because like you said we want to know the other half of our child’s genes.

I would also ask your clinic first of all what banks it is they work with to see if they meet your criteria. Also, the European sperm bank add a £500 mandatory pregnancy slot to your basket, all of which increases she cost dramatically. Dk Cryos add around €800+ tax to your basket. We ended up paying nearly £4K for three samples that is inclusive of tax, shipping and so on.

It’s all very expensive surprise. Make sure your donor is UK compliant which means you can add use non-anonymous donors.

Best wishes x

My wife and I had one pregnancy each with the same donor. We knew only the donor‘s age, height, weight and hair/eye/skin colour and are very relieved we didn’t find out more. If I had seen a picture or had more detail I think I would have the feeling of a third person being involved. This way we have nothing to think or wonder about and they feel 100% like our children. Probably other people feel differently, but it was the best way for us

We chose to go with a UK clinic so that any donor conceived child would have access to the donors' identity when they are older (if they so chose). That was important to us after reading up on the potential impact on a children of anonymous conceptions. We planned on being open with any donor conceived child about how they came to be.

We were given basic information about height/skin tone/eye and hair colour and basic characteristics. They said they would try and match what we were looking for and a donor who would match me quite closely. As it turned out a donor became available the day we visited the clinic as a couple pulled out at the last minute. Although she didn't match me in terms of colouring she did match my husband and it felt like serendipity to us.

We now have two beautiful children who look nothing like me and very much like their dad . I couldn't love them any more and am grateful to our donor and the couple who pulled out at the last minute .

I do have a friends who used a sperm donor from the US and got loads of background information on their donor and now have 3 children. Their donor will always be anonymous and I am not sure how they plan to tell their children but given they are both women the questions will surely come at some point. We have story books from the donor conception website which we read to our children which explains how a kind donor helped us make them but they are still too young to really understand it.

Good luck to you and your wife

Just a note to say that nowadays there’s no such thing as an anonymous sperm donor. I discovered my bio father via DNA testing. He didn’t want to be found as it turns out.

For goodness sakes, don't! You talk about choosing a donor as if it was an every day type thing to do. Either have your own child, adopt if you want to or do without. There are other things in life you know. Plenty of childless people lead quite fulfilling lives.

I predict there will be a heck of a lot of confused children in a few years.

I disagree @jessstan2

My life was soulless without my DC.

We're in Denmark and we've tried Cryos as (2 different donors on 5x inseminations) and we've tried the clinic's own sperm bank (once, just this Monday) and it has cost us A LOT. Just be aware it may not succeed at first so if you pick a donor that has an extended profile, while being non anonymous, it will cost you.

350 Euro just for the pregnancy quota, which you do get returned if you don't get pregnant/give birth, but yeah all together with taxes and delivery it cost us about £1.2K for just ONE straw.

If it had been successful the first time money wouldn't be an issue, but it wasn't.

Personally I'd suggest using Cryos or European Sperm Bank if you have a lot of money available, but if your budget is limited, then by God just use the clinic's.

From my own experiences I'd say, consider the needs and feelings of a teen or adult dc first, above your own feelings. You are choosing this but they aren't. So, for me (I'm gay and chose to become a parent alone) when looking at donors I wanted as much information available and donors who were happy to be contacted once the child reached 18. This was essential to me for my future child's well-being. I totally get the pp saying they wanted the donor to be as anonymous as possible so they felt like 2 parents not 3. I understand that urge but personally I'm not sure it's actually in the best interests of the child term.
Fww I eventually opted for a much more open co parenting arrangement with a local friend and I thank my lucky stars every day that I did. I'm single though so I know it's a bit different.