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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided – all welcome! Thread #6

999 replies

kwick · 24/02/2017 13:13

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!

Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2832207--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided – all welcome!  Thread #6
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37
Pez82 · 18/03/2017 10:11

Oh and re Camembert, you cut a circle off of the top, lift it, put some honey and herbs, replace the top and bake!

HopingForALittleOne · 18/03/2017 11:26

Ooh kwick I used to live in the flats next to Bletchley park ( where there is also a community college randomly ) I love Bletchley park and the firework shows there are amazing.

I have no spreadsheets I just saved enough for either six gos or if I got pregnant sooner then money for maternity leave. Planning on moving up north now so trying to squeeze every penny for that. I also have folder with all receipts lol x

PhoenixMama · 18/03/2017 12:24

I love a spreadsheet but I did that (and temping) first time round with DD and it drove me crazy. It took 13 months to conceive her. I have to say it can be equally hard ttc in a couple - it looks simpler but there's two people disappointed every month. We're lucky in some ways. I'm holding onto that.

I'm interested in what everyone looked for when choosing their donors and what they went for in the end.

I wanted - first and foremost - non-anonymous. Then, someone smart, with red hair (which me & DD have, so I wanted us to all look alike), who seemed kind and thoughtful in their profile. Plus cute baby pics to be framed are always a plus!

witchmountain · 18/03/2017 12:54

Ooh, that's reminded me I want to got to Bletchley Park. The Cabinet War Rooms are fascinating too, would highly recommend them.

Phoenix I wanted non-anonymous and ideally uk based. I posted quite a lot of my thoughts on a thread that Hoping started - can't link from app but is called something like Donor sperm from U.K. or abroad? and is the same topic as this thread. It's such a personal thing though that I think many of my thoughts will seem irrelevant to you!

The reason London Sperm Bank don't use pictures is that you can google image search with a picture and if someone has submitted a picture to the sperm bank which they or someone else have also put on social media then it could make it possible for the donor to be identified before the child reaches 18. I personally think that restriction is a good thing, but I also understand why people would want photos.

I think we all know that we are setting our hypothetical children up for a gap, but how we think we'll deal with that varies. I do wonder, though I obviously don't know, whether even the amount of info you get from the least restricted clinics would be be sufficient to plug the gap if it's something the child is very preoccupied with. And also whether feeling there is a gap can be part of working out your identity when you're young, even when you have two biological parents.

PhoenixMama · 18/03/2017 13:25

Sorry I didn't mean to go over old ground. I was just interested in how people were making the decision.

witchmountain · 18/03/2017 13:41

Oh sorry, that wasn't meant what I meant at all Phoenix! Just in too much of a rush to go and copy and paste. I actually welcome the opportunity to talk about it, it's going to matter to all of us! I will go and corral some of my previous thoughts when I get a min.

StorkAhoy · 18/03/2017 14:24

kwick welcome to Milton Keynes, and enjoy Bletchley Park!

Re donor selection, it's a recurrent topic on this thread, of course it is! Personally after spending hours, and hours, and hours (days, literally days) gazing and rereading, and sifting through profiles, the decision was taken out of my hands when I had to move my first ivf up by a month and had to use my FC sperm bank as there wasn't enough time to order any in! There was only one Caucasian donor left at the clinic after the summer rush, so I had him! It worked out brilliantly as my donor is an obstetrician. Hair colour didn't matter to me, all us kids have various hair colour and my nephews include blonde, brown and red! I wanted a graduate and got one.

Someone on here has a wonderful view on donors, if I recall correctly it's all about how she had great expectations of who they would be and what they would be like, and as she went through multiple cycles and changed donors it simply became about swimmers that worked! I love that.

HopingForALittleOne · 18/03/2017 14:57

witch did you mention you worked for civil service? Me too and I've also done war rooms ( I used to work in building above them)

I forgot about that other thread I'll see if I can find it and do link phoenix.

I think it did show people have personal reasons for picking a donor. Funny enough I think I ended the thread confirming I would use ESB and then I've ended up using LSB.

Partly because I thought the personal notes would be lovely but after reading so many I realised some donors didn't say much or put much thought into it. The family trees were all quite similar as well which in the end made me think didn't need it really.

Clincher randomly was that a few donors I liked had had chlamydia in past( they did test as clear now but confirmed had it in past) I shouldn't be judgemental but I thought I would have so little info about donor And i didn't like that the bit I had would be their paternal father had had chlamydia. Weird reason I know .

Also I thought might be (?) easier to for child to establish an ongoing relationship with paternal father should they both want to in future if in same country.

Finally I went for characteristics similar to my wider family - nothing is guaranteed but would be nice if some of same looks came out.

Hope that helps but bear in mind it is personal and you may change your mind as time goes on too xx

Pez82 · 18/03/2017 15:50

Funny that you mention this hoping because I had the same reaction to the chlamydia thing Grin

The donor I chose was actually the only one who (in my view) wrote a lovely note addressed to the future child, this really won me over!
Criteria for me was white European donor (continental like me Wink), blue/green eyes (we're an 100% blue eyed family) and then I looked at family health history and any creative skills was a big plus too. I didn't read the personality tests or looked too much into physical appearance, I just went with my gut feeling. I did my 3 IUIs with the same donor and was thinking of switching but since I'm moving onto IVF I decided to order one more vial of the same donor (I got attached to him and so did my family) - his samples have always been really good so I can't really blame his magic potion for my failed IUIs.

I think it was on thread #5 that we had a long chat about donors. If I remember well there was an animated debate about intellectual background Wink

Just 5 hours before my first injection 😱

witchmountain · 18/03/2017 15:58

This is the link to Hoping's other thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2756989-donor-sperm-from-uk-or-abroad

The other posters are interesting too, but to avoid a weird conversation split over two threads, here's what I said over several posts:

In the end I decided the priority for me was a donor who was likely to be in the U.K. when the child reached 18 in case they wanted to try and contact them, so I used a clinic based here (London Sperm Bank) and narrowed it down to donors who were either British or who sounded completely settled here. Obviously there are no guarantees that they will still be here in 18 years time, or that they will welcome contact at that point, but I thought it increased the chances!

Once I started looking I found I wasn't too bothered about appearance - I look nothing like my sibling so I was fairly relaxed about the resemblance thing. It also struck me that if I was having a baby the 'normal' way with a partner, I wouldn't screen him out as a potential father based on his family's medical history, so I decided not to worry about that - at least they are screened for the serious genetic stuff. The only thing I did try and avoid was allergies, because I don't have any and I find it hard to imagine a life without pets. But if the clinic hadn't listed that as an attribute it would never have occurred to me!

So in the end I just picked someone who, based on the clinic's description, sounded nice. In a way I would have liked to see something the donor themselves had written (you don't get that until later), but even that's not really a substitute for meeting someone. And it's not like me or the future child/children have to have a close relationship with him if we don't want to.

I know what you mean about the information, it's there so you feel responsible for using it!

Talking about this is reminding me of my thought process - one of the other things I considered was that a donor conceived child might want to try and contact half siblings (the HFEA has a register to facilitate contact if both parties want it). I'd like to have more than one child so they will hopefully have a sibling anyway but if they did want to meet others then again it might be easier if they were in the UK.

Another thing that impacted my choice was how I personally felt about using the information - I was quite uncomfortable about picking based on lots of information. Partly because I didn't like the idea of trying to select certain physical/health attributes to create the 'ideal' baby. And partly because I felt like if I picked based on personality traits I'd be creating this fantasy that the baby would turn out be a particular type of person and I thought if I had less preconceptions then I'd be more likely to just wait and see what they are like and give them a bit more space to become themselves. Those are both quite personal things though and I imagine other people would think completely differently about it!

Oh, one other thing. I also wondered whether knowing they had a donor from another country/culture would feel like a gap that was harder to fill. Although I also think that maybe finding your own identity always involves feeling like there is something to fill in. I have one parent from another European country and we didn't have much of a connection there because of the cost of travelling and the dynamics of the family relationships. So that's probably a personal thing too. Though I have to say it doesn't matter now - that 'gap' is just part of who I am.

witchmountain · 18/03/2017 15:59

Oh dear, that's an epic post when it's all combined into one, sorry!

witchmountain · 18/03/2017 16:01

There was indeed an animated debate about intellectual background Grin Sometimes it's hard to get across what you mean when you're not face to face!

witchmountain · 18/03/2017 16:03

Hoping have never been a civil servant although have done projects in public sector as a consultant in the past.

Bear1980 · 18/03/2017 17:11

I have really just started looking and I do like the baby pictures from ESB and being able to hear the donors voice. I like the handwritten notes although have to admit they have caused me to disregard some donors that I may have otherwise chosen because they were so short and lacked thought.

Not sure who I will choose in the end but had the same thoughts as others, if I had a partner I wouldn't do such detailed screening so will go with who feels right in the end.

pickle162 · 18/03/2017 18:32

I narrowed down both my donors my hair colour and skin tone... 2nd time round, I narrowed down to 3 based on this but the grey eyes made me interested in my current donor. I got his extended profile for free so thought hey we'll get some more info but not really bothered....but then I read it and knew it was right. I LOVE his letter to future babies and he lives in the same down as my sister so (if works with him) will nice to feel some connection

Eek pez good luck with injections, I'm strangely excited about starting mine in 6weeks 3days Grin sure I'll be 💩ing it when it starts! Let us know how U get on?

HopingForALittleOne · 18/03/2017 19:43

Good luck pez with injections xxx

witch I'm so sorry I'm sure I read the other day on a thread someone else was a civil servant oops sorry xx

I'm debating now I think it's worked (!) whether to buy some more for future siblings.... so many what ifs, I could meet someone, I could pay for vials and storage and then not get pregnant on those trials, I would ideally want three so would I buy enough for two more or would have I have two with same father and one with another donor. I'm not going to rush into any decision but interested to hear other people's thoughts/ plans for any future siblings x

INeedNewShoes · 18/03/2017 19:57

Hoping - I'm undecided on this as well. Any future child of mine will be my DC1's full sibling in my view as I don't see DC1 as having a father, though I don't really know how to explain what I mean by that.

If my baby turns out to be stunningly beautiful, maybe I'll be swayed into reserving some more vials from the same donor Wink (assuming this donor is still available) but then I haven't looked into whether the sperm degenerates over the years.

pickle162 · 18/03/2017 20:18

See with uk donors- as you are one of the pregnancy slots of the 10they can have. You can get more sperm at a later date if you wish as u r still classed as one family. Obviously the dude has to consent to coming back in but apparently not usually a problem.
Realise my grammar in that sentence was appalling...hopefully it made sense as too tired to re-phrase.

Got my invoice today so was able to reset my overdraft to £0 and just wait till pay day and put the money aside ready 😊

Pez82 · 18/03/2017 21:09

1st injection done! The needle is so thin I didn't feel a thing. BUT, I was struggling to push on the plunger in order to see the liquid and then pushed too hard and lost a bit of the fluid!!!! I feel so bad about it! Has this happened to anyone else?

I'll definitely do it better tomorrow

CautionHormone · 18/03/2017 21:23

Shoes - I didn't break it open, I had to eject the test stick and that's what I saw Grin I know I shouldn't of looked, really, but curiosity got the better of me and all that... You're right though, I can't wait until I get my Smile. I haven't got it yet, which is frustrating me as I feel as though I've missed it, or maybe haven't even surged, but never mind. I'm on CD17 today, so seems a bit late Hmm

Pez - good luck with your injections!! You'll be great!! I can only compare it to when I had to inject myself with blood thinners, and that wasn't really that bad at all... Its like the dentist, the thoughts so much worse!!

Hoping, that's what I'm thinking of doing too. Should my future donor be successful, I'm definitely thinking about storing some away for future children. I like the idea of my child having a full sibling, but I totally get what Shoes is saying too, about seeing littleshoes as - essentially - fatherless (for lack of a better word!) because I think that's exactly how I'd feel... Who knows?!

I'm a bit worried because my HFM spots haven't completely gone... A bit worried about my surgery on Wednesday?! I know it's a long shot, but I don't suppose anybody has any advice on how to get rid of HFM spots do ya? Grin I feel better in myself, it's just the spots!!

CautionHormone · 18/03/2017 21:25

Oops I didn't see your post Pez cos I took so long to write mine, it was a cross post, sorry!
I have no advice but I'm sure it's ok. It's going to take practice! Flowers

pickle162 · 18/03/2017 21:32

Sorry caution HFM is a virus so u have to let it rub its course. Keep yourself well creamed up so don't get any scarring

Well done pez sure it'll get easier as u go along. I may be calling on your advice in 6 weeks x

pickle162 · 18/03/2017 21:38

Run not run!

pickle162 · 18/03/2017 21:49

Jeez blooming autocorrect RUN not RUB!!! Envy

witchmountain · 18/03/2017 21:51

Yes, Pez, happened to me the first time. Don't stress, it will only be a tiny bit, and it's not like the doses are precise, 150 is just a round number. Have a Star for getting the first one done!!