Donor sperm questions

[MehMehM3h]

Hi all, I may be asking personal questions so I apologise in advance!

Our first cycle of ICSI failed recently and the consultant wasn't optimistic re trying again - we have MFI and he reduced our chances to 20-25% of it working. He even suggested thinking about donor sperm.

So my questions, if anyone has gone down this route, how did you decide to do it. Did your partners struggle with it? So far Mr Meh is ok with doing it as he doesn't want to be the reason I never have a child/experience pregnancy etc. I don't know how I feel about it. My initial reaction is that I do not want to have a baby that isn't my husband's...I just don't know if that's short sighted or not.

Did anyone else feel like that - did you change your mind? What made you change your mind?

Thanks for reading

You could try talking to the Donor Conception Network. They have loads of members who are happy to call you and discuss and loads of literature you could borrow. I have 3 children conceived via donor sperm - 8, 8 and 3. I also had an initial panic about a child that isn't my husbands; but I never think about it anymore as they are my husbands. DH was fine with this method of conception from the start and has never really questioned it - although naturally it was a blow when we found out (non-obstructive azoospermia with no sperm found following TESE). We discussed it the other day, we never think about it anymore except in the context of making sure the kids know about and understand it/know we are open to talk about it etc. For us, having these gorgeous 3 healed all the original pain of infertility almost immediately and, like I say, our only concerns now centre around the children and hoping that this doesn't cause them an ounce of pain in the future. Obviously everyone is different. Hope that helps a little and sorry you are going through this.

we talked about it and had it in the back of our minds as 'Plan B' and DP suggested we use the donor at a point before Plan B was required. Its like it took a bit of time to percolate and settle.
The way we looked at it was that we were both making the decision to have a child, as you would with both of your genetics. DP was there at every appointment, doing my injections (IVF), holding my hand for egg collection and embryo transfer. Much more involvement than bog standard 'bang one out, fart and fall asleep' situation! He was there at every scan, every midwife appointment, birth, and I don't see how anyone could doubt he is 'less' of a father - other men might be able to impregnate some woman, any woman, but might not be such a great dad.
If its any consolation though, I had reservations about what it would be like post IUI and thought that might be a bit weird (but as 'luck' would have it, we didn't even do IUI).

I think the natural instinct is to procreate with the one you love, and so if you don't want a baby that isn't 'your husbands', maybe best to sit with it for a bit and see if your thought patterns change? using a donor isn't for everyone, and if you even feel a bit icky about it, you don't want that potential child to grow up sensing that ickiness.
Families are put together in lots of ways. Its just another part of who DD is - doesn't define her, and she is 'more than' her genetics, for sure. Her and DP have a great relationship and she adores him to bits.

Also reckon the DCN is a great resource to try and tap into. Check out Olivia's blog on wordpress too.

There is s child of donor conception in our extended family. The "father" was not comfortable with the idea. He went along with it and has been a fabulous father to donor child. He has however found it very difficult to get his hea around and it's like a constant reminder of his infertility. The mother has suffered from poor mental health since the birth which is 10 years now and is still unable to accept she didn't bear a child naturally and it isn't her husbands. The child is lovely and perfect. The parents have brought her up to be lovely and precious individual. However as individuals there are on going issues and depression. Ssubsequent pregnancies of friends and families have not been well received and they have alienated themselves from family and friends for long periods of time. They have continual grief which counselling has not been able to help. As a close observer to them I would say if either of you have any doubt then do not do it. It really has been very distructive to them.