Help or Advice appreciated

[frankie2026]

Around 6 months ago Husband got caught drink driving…. Announced he wanted a divorced…. Went on a drunken bender… left after scaring child and smashing furniture up. All my fault apparently.
Came back for a court appearance, decided family meant more to him, gave the impression we were getting back together…. Went on another drunken bender…. Smashed the house and furniture up and left. Child aged 12 stopped talking to him. In the meantime he came for all his belongings where child didn’t want to speak to him. He lives nearly 200 miles away.
He came back to visit with his parents and was on best behaviour. Child softened and rebuilt relationship up again. Even going to stay with them for 2 nights which child said was too long. Contact remained with them both.
Husband came back for job disciplinary where he lost his for drunk driving Whilst on school run. He stayed again giving us all the impression we were going to make things work. He went back to his parents and we all cried. We’d been sleeping in the same bed, telling each other we loved each other and doing the deed. It felt natural and loving. Genuine.
Came back up again and got nasty left again after 1 day. We had an argument in the morning when I wanted to know what was happening with us as a couple and a family. He said there was no us and walked away. He left again but his last works to me were to eff off. Our child heard that and wasn’t impressed. Husband was drunk again and had more alcohol for his journey home to his parents house. Since then child hasn’t wanted to speak to him. Parents have asked if they can come and see child along with child’s dad at the end of the month. Child is not keen. I don’t want to see husband as he was so cruel to me. What the heck do I do? Husband claims I’m manipulating child. Child is just really fed up of dad and his drunkenness, nastiness and cruelty to me. I’ve gone no contact with husband but he finds a way to send messages blaming me for everything including reporting him to the police, ruining his life and not taking responsibility for his actions. Any help or advice would be appreciated on how to handle this horrible horrible mess

I think, deep down, you know that he has an issue with alcohol that really needs to be addressed. Until he is able to recognise that and take steps towards getting help, it’s difficult to see how things can change for the better. I know this must be incredibly difficult for everyone involved, but I also think your child’s feelings and wellbeing have to come first. If they don’t feel ready or comfortable seeing him, I think it’s important to respect that and not put any pressure on them. Hopefully, in time, he’ll be able to get the support he needs and potentially work towards rebuilding that relationship.

He does! He was hiding it and drinking in the morning. I suspect he drank at work too ( his colleagues suspected it too but kept quiet even though they knew he did he school run) He doesn’t have a problem apparently…. His parents don’t know he’s sneaking alcohol into their house and discarding the bottles. He was a fantastic day but with a mix of ADHD and Alcoholism we’ve lost him

I'd listen to your child. He's got a huge drink problem which put your child at risk when he was doing the school run. Or did his job involve driving children to school? Either way he can't be trusted. If you know he's still drunk driving I would definitely be reporting him.
If you want to agree to see his parents separately to talk to hem then that might be worth doing so they can understand how bad his problem is. At the moment you seem to think they don't know because he's hiding it. Are they aware of how badly he frightened his child smashing up furniture? If they can acknowledge his problem and accept it's not a good idea for him to be in contact then I might be open to supervised access for them to see their grandchild.
You may need to get legal help regarding his access, as he is still the father. Were social services informed that he was drink driving on the school run? Did the police get involved when he smashed the furniture up? You need to make sure you have all the evidence that he's a danger to your child in case he applies to court for access. And you need to make sure you can show you're protecting your child by keeping him out of the house if possible.

He worked a a police officer so lost his license and job

social services were involved initially and then police did have some involvement but I protected him. Stupidly