Help me have the conversation

[OrchidRosetta]

This week I read on here about a husband wanting his freedom and the op asked for advice. I’m in a similar situation but not about the sex part. In my life, husband is having a mid-life crisis, or depression, or something. Work has not been going well and lots of problems. He went back home to his parents for 4 weeks. I felt abandoned but knew that it was what he needed. He travelled a bit when he was there. I don’t have doubts at all about another woman or sex. We spoke every day.
But….since he’s been back he says he enjoyed being in his own. Thinking about himself for a change. No constraints from work or family life. We have always been good together and have had a good life. But this year all changed. Since he’s been back, I have avoided any stress, or real conversations about what he wants. Even when he says he wants to go off again. I need to know where I stand. No plans for Christmas, no plans to meet up with friends or occasions. He doesn’t want to see anyone. I feel like he is here because he doesn’t want to hurt me or our teen. But it is hurting. I tried this week to bring it up but he had to leave early so didn’t. I don’t want to rock the boat, but I do think we need to have this conversation. I know if I bring it up he’s going to say I’m stressing him, and nothings wrong. But there is! How to do it? How to start?

”I'm raising this talk because I love you. I need to know where you’re at. Are we all in or not.”

Likely he’ll not want to talk. Shut me down. Then we stay like this for another week or weeks.

help me not antagonise, but find out what the hell we’re doing.

Text him? Ring him? Wait for him to be home? He’s currently away for work. Should be home tonight.

Sorry, didn’t realise it was so long. Please don’t just say LTB. I want this to work- 20 years marriage. But does he? That’s what I need to know.

I think you both have to confront the problems in your marriage for the sake of your child. Neither of you owes the other a relationship and it would be pointless to try to compel the other to stay if they don’t want to. I know that isn’t easy to hear. But the only way to stay together is if you both want it. And the only way to be happy is if you both want it.

However you both have a responsibility to your child. As parents you should provide stability and your presence in their life. He is not doing that if he is skipping off and not dealing with his depression. You are both not doing it if you are pretending there is nothing wrong.

It would be one thing if his “break” resolved his MH issues but it hasn’t. He is saying or at least implying these issues are situational. If that were the case ultimately he will need to change his situation. However if he has not sought treatment he doesn’t even know that. He is making your life and your child’s life intolerable because of that.

It is also important to note that whilst low level MH problems can be dealt with through things like exercise and diet, a serious illness needs medical intervention.

If there is a problem in your relationship you need to address it. For the sake of your child.

I agree wholeheartedly. I just don’t know how to start, or say it. I don’t want to belittle or pressure him, and want it to sound like love.

Is he around at the weekend? If there is a bit of time where your DC is occupied and you can speak to your DH in person then I would ask if you can talk about something important. Then just say as you have said here that you want to focus on your DC and your relationship, and to do that there are some issues that need addressing. I would clearly state that you don't intend to belittle him or pressure him, but things need to be raised.

Then go into the points that need addressing. His mental health is not being addressed nor is it improving on its own. Unilaterally deciding to leave for weeks at a time is destabilising for your DC and not something that's acceptable in a respectful relationship. Set out what you want him to do, rather than ask questions of him. eg he needs to get appropriate mental health support. If he needs to be away from you and your DC then that needs to be planned and agreed in advance.

If he can't manage to listen to that sort of conversation without becoming difficult and antagonistic, or shutting down and refusing to engage then you may have to take action yourself to protect your own mental health and provide a stable situation for your DC.

I would make plans for Christmas etc assuming that it may just be you and your DC that participate.

You’re walking on eggshells and protecting his feelings, but what about you? It’s a horrible place to be not feeling safe or secure in a marriage. Truthfully, he sounds selfish. You felt abandoned whilst he travelled a bit for 4 weeks, yet he can’t make plans or talk about the future now he’s home?

seems like he’s avoiding the elephant in the room.

sorry editing this as it may sound harsh, I’ve been in a similar situation and know the feeling, it just bugs me how men can just up and go for space, leave for weeks yet if a woman was to do this which I’m sure is a lot rarer, there would be uproar x

Again, I agree and I appreciate that you’re not bashing him. It is absolutely the elephant in the room. And yes I know it’s not good enough for me to feel like this. In all our years, normal ups and downs, I never felt like it is the beginning of the end. I wish he’d make a stand one way or the other. And whilst I know I can make the stand- im clear in my mind that we have a good life together. I feel like he’s throwing it all away because HE can’t cope.

Get yourself ond step ahead. Go to a solicitor and get an idea of what you can get from the divorce. Then present it to him as a done deal.

Of course he enjoyed a few weeks of no domestic responsibilities- wouldn’t we all! Heck, I’ve just been away for a single night for work and have loved having one evening off from cooking and laundry and tidying, and one morning off from getting everyone breakfast and doing the school run.

But as a responsible adult with a family, you can’t live life as a care-free bachelor. And if you really were separated, I assume he couldn’t just live with his parents, but would need to sort his own accommodation and all the housework and mental load that goes with that. That’s why most men don’t actually leave their marriages until they have another woman lined up, and those that leave without that often fairly rapidly realise the grass is not always greener and the carefree bachelor life is actually pretty empty.

So I’d approach it more in the sense of how can you arrange things so that you BOTH get some time off, eg you each have the odd weekend away or short holiday, either alone or with friends, and each have some time to yourselves each week. You can also point out that your teen will be an adult and likely be gone in a few years, and then you will both have far fewer responsibilities at home and more flexibility.