Just unbearable

[Lollipopslu]

I am going through a divorce. He was caught cheating earlier this year, although he still denies the affair and blames me for it. We have a young daughter.

Recently, he told me that he is free to do whatever he wants because we're getting divorced. But in reality, that means I'm left taking almost 100% responsibility for our daughter. I'm happy to look after her, but his going out almost every night makes me feel sick and disgusted.

He's a teacher, so he comes home from work, does his schoolwork, makes his own dinner and then sneaks out again. I've asked him to move out while we sort out our finances, but he refuses. He has a free family flat available. He wont leave until finaces are sorted. But his teacher pension valuation is taking forever, i live in limbo watching him go out night after night. How come someone behaves like this after what has happened? I know there is nothing i can do legally until divorce is done but living like this is just a hell

Teachers pensions are currently moving from Capita to Tata. I’m sorry to say you might be waiting a while.

Can you do an interim settlement with another stab at equalising it once the pension amount goes in?? You could be waiting a very long time otherwise.

Poor you - he is deliberately making life awkward

my suggestion is to think of things you could do back - but only think them

so he gets home and cooks his dinner - whilst you slip out the house until bedtime leaving him with DD

announce that you are having. A clear out on Saturday ready for the move and then throw all his best stuff out if he doesn’t help

like I say - think only / model best behaviour because you have a child but go to town on the ideas to make his life hell

I’m sorry this has happened. Men can be idiots.

You need to separate the things you can control from the things you cannot.

You cannot control the fact he had an affair and you need to make peace with the fact you will likely never know the details. I’m sorry. It is what it is. And he wants to go out because he doesn’t want to sit around all evening with his ex.

You maybe could force him to move out, but that would be hard and difficult and if there’s an endpoint (finances) maybe just work towards that.

You can force a more equitable split of care for your child. I’d suggest outlining whatever long term custody arrangement you have in mind (50/50 or he has her alternate weekends or whatever) - and just moving to it now. So nights he has ‘custody’, he needs to cook and do bedtime etc and you are free to do as you please. I would strongly advise on these days, make plans, go out, go to your room and watch a movie. Be unavailable.

Because soon enough he’ll move out and you will need to get used to times without your child and building enough activity in that you aren’t sat around feeling sad when she’s not with you.

I am sorry to hear this, it sounds very tough. Could you say that you appreciate that your relationship is over but he is still a dad and surely wants to keep a relationship with his child ( and should be doing 50% of the parenting including cooking children’s dinner and putting them to bed)?

What is his ultimate plan re your dd? 50:50?

keep an absolutely detailed diary of his comings and goings and interactions with her.

who made her breakfast, who got her dressed, who did homework with her, who did the school run, who made her dental appointment? Whether he was there eating dinner with you both, or ate alone when he could have spent time with her. Also the nights he went out, and whether this was before her bed time.

at the same time, text him to ask him to do things, put her to bed, whatever. Hopefully, he will answer ‘no’ or ‘why should I?’, etc. be rigorous and friendly in your requests, and point out that she is sad and missing him

so you will be using this time well to build up a picture of his parenting This will hopefully ensure you keep family allowance, and that he doesn’t get 50:50 unless you want him to.

if you do want him to get50:50, and if he wants it, present him with interim findings in a week or two and point out that as you are doing 99% at the moment, he needs to get his finger out or it won’t happen.

Thanks, all. Sorry, I should have been clearer about his teacher's pension. He has received his pension CETV, and we're now getting a PODE.

We're trying to explore offsetting against his pension, as his pension CETV is three times larger than mine. The location of the family home is perfect, just 10 minutes away from my daughter's school. I've looked at other properties nearby, but it may work out better to keep the family home and convert the mortgage to interest-only, etc. He wants a clean break, with me buying him out upfront, so we'll see how things work out.

As he's a teacher, he's always busy with work and, apparently, his affair. He hardly does any childcare. He once told me he couldn't spend time with our daughter because it took him ages to make his own dinner! He hardly ever cooked before, either.
Anyway, I've suggested that she stays with me during term time and with him for most of the school holidays, unless I'm taking her away on holiday. However, he wants to have her from Friday afternoon until Monday morning, which I'm not happy with. I suggested that he has her from Saturday and brings her back on Sunday instead. That way, I can make sure she gets her homework done and is ready for Monday. More importantly, she can walk to school on Monday morning rather than having to fit around his schedule, as his workplace is an hour away each way and he starts early. Anyway she wants to see dad whenever she has got time or Sundays. She started secondary school this year and is really busy with school stuff.

He initially said he would move out, but I suspect he's changed his mind and now wants to stay until the finances are sorted. Before I told him to move out, we'd discussed a date for him to leave. However, I assume he felt threatened by the situation and ended up involving the police, etc. Just mad...

I think you’re onto a nonstarter with your idea for custody arrangement sadly. You need to adjust to the idea that in this new world he will need to step up. And based on my experience of slack dads who get divorced, they usually do. It is unsustainable you having to monitor her homework when she’s been with him for the weekend - he needs to do it, and if it doesn’t get done when she’s with him, dob him into the school so they can raise with him. The arrangement you have outlined is that you are effectively parenting his parenting which is clearly what you’ve done when you were married but won’t work now you are not.

He’s entitled to friday to monday. He’ll learn to cook meals he and she can both eat together. And she can manage a slightly longer trip to school one day a week.

“he still denies the affair and blames me for it.”

What, it’s your fault he had the affair that he denies having? Some men are just too much! From his POV, he is free to do as he likes as far as relationships are concerned - but you need to sort out exactly when you each take responsibility
for your DD. You should have the right to go out, too - he might have skipped out on your marriage, but he doesn’t get to give up on being a parent, particularly if he wants your DD at the weekends when you are properly separated. Of course he’s being unreasonable at the moment, because he can - maybe you need to see a lawyer to speed things along. This current situation is unsustainable for you and your DD and things won’t settle down until you are living separately.

I’m also curious that you are cooking separate meals for an 11 year old. Mine are 8 and 9 and we’ve been on same meals for years now? By the time mine are in year 7 they’ll even be taking a turn cooking some meals themselves!

I think you’re focussed on micro things you can control to be honest like him not cooking for her. With her an 11 year old he’ll absolutely figure it out. From your first post i assumed it was a little kid with doing purees and whatnot which requires more involvement!

Just a word of caution re pension. This week I was awarded 61% of my ex husbands pension (he got none of mine) - as recommended by a PODE. Not a teacher one, but NHS, worth about £280k CETV. The offset figure was fuck all comparatively so it’s worth your while thinking about other solutions when you get a little further re the financial settlement.

He was originally happy with my proposal because he knew he wouldn't have the time to look after her during term time. Now, for whatever reason, he seems to be using this as leverage. Surely he is entitled to seek more time with his daughter, but the question is whether his suggested arrangement is actually what is best for her and working for her.

Exactly! He thinks his affair was because I was not making him happy etc so somehow it's my fault. He still denies it, which makes the whole situation even more frustrating.

I think the problem is that he can barely look after himself, let alone take care of her!

Do you mind me asking what value the PODE put on your ex’s pension? His CETV is around the same amount, so I am curious how different the actual value turned out to be. My main priority is to keep the family home until my daughter goes to university, or at least until she has finished her GCSEs, as the location is ideal for her schooling

The offset figure was something like 85k which of course is a vast amount of money but not compared to what I will receive upon retirement from it which is very decent. I also initially wanted to keep the house - I have three secondary age kids. But we’re going to have a happier better life in a smaller house with a good lifestyle. For me, it took time to reach this conclusion. You have to weigh up what’s right for you and your kids. I know it isn’t easy, and all the unknowns make it harder. As the process goes along you will get more concrete answers and there will be less moving sand. This helps with decision making, and will help you mentally separate from him and what he does too.

Can anyone explain to me what PODE is?

Pension on divorce expert. It’s typically considered necessary if the pension is over 100k and/or public sector.

Thank you. That's really helpful. I'm a little confused about the £85k offset. If the CETV was around £280k and you were awarded 61% of his pension, did the PODE calculate that £85k was the equivalent amount of house equity you could receive in exchange for giving up your entire pension share? That doesn't sound fair if offsetting is the preferred option

It’s a 44page report. The cash equivalent is never going to be what I would get in retirement. Those are the figures though, it’s all very accurate. It’s not about fairness to what you prefer, it’s about fairness at retirement age. That’s what the pode is looking at. Your solicitor will be able to advise more precisely, but personally for me the pension is not something I would give up for such relatively small equity. It’s all about making the choices that work for you, your family, your life. Hope it’s not too long until you get yours back and I expect it will make a lot more sense then when you can put numbers on a page and look ahead.