Child arrangements - full weekends or individual days?

[Starbuck80]

I split with my ex back in January 2025 and we are finally about to send of the Consent Order regarding finances. It’s been a tough almost two years with substantial post-separation financial and emotional abuse as he has insisted on staying in the marital home throughout and delaying sorting the finances so I could move out and establish a separate home.

We have two young children and the care pattern has been circa 70/30 during the school term and circa 60/40 during school holidays. He’s spent the last two years claiming we share 50/50 but it’s simply not true and I have parenting log to prove it. He’s just trying to reduce Child Maintenance. He frequently asks me to cover for him, travels extensively and often lies about having work appointments during his parenting time when the reality is that he’s out socialising (thanks Instagram Stories!).

Over the last two years, all he’s done is chop and change his days. He finds out how much he’ll have to pay in CM and then the next day he asks for more time with the kids, turns up once or twice and then stops as he needs to work. He messaged me at the end of the summer holidays to say that he had been given a verbal warning about his work performance because of all the time he had to take off work during the holidays 🙄

At the moment he has the kids one weekend day, Tuesdays and Thurs school drop off during term time. Understandably he wants those days in blocks when we’re in separate houses but he’s decided that those days will be Sunday, Monday and Tuesdays. I envisaged alternating something like Weds, Thurs and Fri drop off and then Sat, Sun and Mon drop off the following week.

I’m pretty confident that he’s trying to reduce child maintenance but I’ve also been thrown by him only wanting one day of the weekend. Surely it would make sense to have a whole weekend each time as it would enable both of us to take the kids away if we wanted or go away ourselves?

Sounds like he wants to be out socialising every Friday & Saturday night. I would stand firm on EOW and fixed week days.

He definitely wants to have it all his own way. Act like a single man, pretend to be a good father on a Sunday when noone wants to go out with him and pay as little child maintenance as possible. What a peach. Say no that doesn't work for me or the children.

Only having one day of the weekend, instead of two, doesn’t make any sense either if he’s genuinely worried about balancing his work and childcare

Come from the angle that the DC need full weekends with you to visit friends and family and get quality relaxed time together.

Why would the same 3 day blocks make any difference to child maintenance compared to alternating 3 day blocks?

Re half-weekends, my children did alternating Sat/Sun (as in Fri night & Sat one week then Sat night & Sun the next week), plus 1 overnight in the week (not concurrent with the weekend night).
This gave us both the opportunity to be with them every weekend, and to share the responsibilities and free time (weekend clubs etc).
We were flexible if one parent wanted to swap thingsl, or for either of us wanting to take the children away for the weekend or go away without them - although neither of us took the piss with this.
They were also with their dad for an overnight every week.
It meant they saw him part of 4 days every week.

(This was 20 years ago when EOW was more common)

It is important to be able to articulate not just what you want but why you think it is needed for the children and your relationship with them. Try not to get carried away with absolute statements or opinions. Weekends have a purpose for children, adults and families. Frame what your argument around this. Explain why it is important you and your children share the whole experience of the weekend. For example that you participate in whatever they do on a Sunday.

Your parenting log is gold here. I'd use it to show the actual pattern over the last two years rather than getting into an argument about his 50/50 claim. Put your proposal to him in writing with the reasons all about the kids, so whole weekends for trips and family, and the same fixed school days every week so they know where they are. Cafcass have a free parenting plan template that's worth filling in, or take it to mediation if he won't budge. Has he said why he only wants the one weekend day?

You're right to want this in writing and to keep it about the kids. Three things help with an ex who keeps changing days:

1. Propose one pattern, not options. Options invite renegotiation.
2. Give one child-focused reason. Leave out the Instagram, the work warning and the maintenance. All true, and all of them turn the message into a fight.
3. Add a review date. It makes saying yes easier.

"I'd like to propose alternating blocks: Wed to Fri one week, Sat to Mon the next. The children get full weekends with each of us and a predictable term-time routine. Can we try it until February half term and review then?"

Then stop. If he comes back with a long message about 50/50 or money, you don't have to answer every point. Answer the arrangement question only. Keep your parenting log going. A calm written proposal next to his changes speaks for itself.