Overwhelmed by where to start

[FuzzyYellowCat]

Hey all- I'm at the point in life where I know divorcing my husband is the right next step for me and our Son. The back story is, I met my husband when I was 18 and got married at 24 and we have now been married for 12 years. We've gone through 2 miscarriages and now have a 5 year old Son. The marriage started off great for the first few years but then I began to struggle with my mental health and I knew the reasons why but didn't feel brave enough to open up about it to my Husband or mental health team. Long story short I was raped at the age of 17 by 2 men. I only disclosed this to my husband and the mental health team 2 years ago and have now been getting the help I need. I feel like I frauded my husband in to marrying me as the version he knew and fell in love with was the version of me which was masking and putting on a pretence. Along with this there have been a number of things over the years which he has done/said which do not sit right with me. E.g. selling my car to use the funds to buy himself a big fancy car. I now no longer have a car in my name and he owns 2 cars both with personalised plates with his name on. He has belittled me when I have mentally struggled and whenever I try to calmly speak to him about how I feel it results in him shouting/swearing/punching holes in the doors. He has a short fuse and often shouts and swears at our 5 year old Son and I can see the damage this is causing. I am now in a place mentally where I can see what is good/bad for my Son and I. Since disclosing to professionals about my abuse from when I was 17 I have been put off physical touch from my husband which has been enhanced by his actions and behaviors. We jointly own our home and we also have another property which we jointly own which was his Dad's however he passed away. We also have joint savings. I work part time and have no savings of my own. My mum is terminally ill and I feel overwhelmed by how and where to start with bringing our marriage to an end. My husband won't be willing to work together on coming up with what's best for our son. He will want to go after assets and money and a part of me wants to just say fine have it all but at the end of the day my son and I need a home too. I did bring up the separation conversation once with my Husband about 2 years ago and his response was "you're not getting anything" and I said, as long as I have our Son then that's enough. Then recently he mentioned he would want 50 50 custody however he wouldn't be able to make that work as he would need to rely on childcare as he works full time. I want to feel happy and sage and I want the same for our Son. My husband can't see that he has his own issues he needs to work on and sees me as a mental nutjob but I am mentally in a good place and feel like the 3 of us deserve more than this.

I don't know where to start. I know if I bring up the topic of divorce it will escalate in to a fight. I know I need to be prepared for him to make me leaving difficult and I don't know how to prepare myself. I have a feeling he will want to keep the house but where does that leave my Son and I.

Hi there, OP. We're sorry to hear what a very difficult time you've had. We just wanted to bump your post for you. Hopefully someone will be along soon with some advice.

You need to go and see a solicitor. And see what you are entitled to which is certainly half the house you are in now. He can't keep everything. I would see a solicitor before I brought up the subject of divorce again.

You’re not entitled to half. You’re entitled to a fair share . That may or not include the inherited property ( although I personally always think inheritance should be excluded they are not automatically)

ultimately settlement will consider the assets available, your ages, the ages and needs if any minor children, your earnings and earnings potentials ,length of marriage ( and cohabitation). It won’t consider blame or fault.

do you have a good view of those things? Do you have a good understanding of needs, ie housing and affordability ?

there are lots of online resources which talk through the divorce process. Alongside that there are online resources which talk through the principles of fair division - there is no calculator though as each case unique.

educate yourself and see a solicitor to advise and go from there

First step is see a solicitor and talk it through. Don’t discuss any of it with DH up until you are ready to send the petition. Don’t discuss money with him if he’s going to be abusive, let the legal people earn their fee.

Thanks for your reply Mossyfox- I did see a solicitor just over a year ago and the advice I was given was to try and talk through finances and arrangements with my Husband to come up with a joint plan. Obviously he doesn't want to separate so will put up a fight as i tested the water with him over a year ago. It resulted in him saying he's happy to see his son once a week or every other week and that he has no issue with us living in a bedsit! I know I will have to be prepared for a fight and need to get my finances in a better place.

Thanks Cartagenagina. I'm definitely going to keep things quiet and will have to go down the legal route! I hoped i could break away peacefully for everyone's sake but I know that won't be doable!

I totally get it millymollymoomoo that it needs to be dealt with fairly. I actually don't want the inherited house out of pure respect for his late Father. I do understand housing and affordability aspects, it's just so daunting not having my own funds to make changes quickly. I will definitely do my research and have a plan. Thank you for replying to me.

Do not speak about leaving or finances as either of these will put you in a situation that will be at best uncomfortable at worst in grave danger.

The starting point is 50/50, everything can be settled with the help of a solicitor.

When I talk fairness I mean fair using the principles of law not moral.
it is often best to try to discuss finances either the other party, using mediation if possible but this is not always possible

do you understand your overall assets? Do you earn? What are your housing needs? Are there assets to provide for this? What will you live on etc etc. these are what you need to understand and think through

I work part time and Husband works full time. We have one rental property which is mortgage free and we jointly own the home which we live in which has a small mortgage. My finances are tied up in the assets. Housing needs would be a small home/apartment for my Son and I. There is more than enough for my husband and I to have our own homes and 'start a fresh' but i know he will want to fight for everything. I'm hoping to compile my own folder with copies of certain documents and statements for myself. My fight isn't even about focusing on what he has done/said and I purely want what is best for our Son. I do have the option of living with my parents but my Mum is terminally ill and the last thing I want to do is dump my drama in to their lives and be a burden on them. It has taken me years to get to the point to feel mentally strong enough to make the decision of ending the marriage and I'm currently having therapy to help my mindset and nervous system.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond to me!

I'm sorry you're going through this. My strong advice is to get a good solicitor and be prepared for the long haul but know you will get there. Lean on them for the legal support you need. They will carry the weight of the process for you but get clarity on fees and think about how you're going to fund it. Think about moving into separate properties sooner than later as do not underestimate how difficult it will be living together under the same roof whilst separating. Perhaps get your ducks in a row before you are ready for this. I thought the difficult decision would be deciding to divorce, but the actual process has knocked me for six with how obstinate and difficult he's being. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it does take its toll living together and dealing with a difficult spouse. Good luck.

Thank you Flyingdvds, I hope you get to have your own peaceful sanctuary soon and I'm sorry you've had your own difficult journey with this. I know that although I have funds tied up in assets I need to seriously save my own money aside in order to set up a place for my Son and I and that I'm going to have to take it step by step. I've allowed my boy and I to put up with this for too long. The thing that has hit home the most is seeing my mum fade away. Her and my Dad are very much in love and were just starting to enjoy life together and then she was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer. My Dad has been an absolute angel in terms of caring for her. They've always had eachother. My husband hasn't been able to show understanding and love through my tough life moments yet I've been able to show up for him. I don't want to waste more years like this. Knowing one day it will just be him and I and our Son will be grown up living his own life. It's clear we can't love one another in the way that we need. He makes me feel so on edge.

I hope things for you feel brighter and lighter really soon!

I can empathise with you in terms of having loving parents and knowing that your own relationship is over. I'm sorry about your Mum...must be tough going through this at the same time. Just get yourself prepared for the process and know that it could be 1-2 years before you have your own home for you and DS, but that is better than burying your head in the sand and still being in the same place in 3+ years. Get the legals on side to know what is fair for you. Don't set any value or anything in mind until you know. A general rule of thumb is 50:50 split but what is more important is that your own and your DH's needs are met.