Need advice!!

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Stbxh is pushing hard for 50/50 but his job makes it completely unworkable. Has anyone had this?

He's out of the country for at least 10 days a month minimum, the schedule changes all the time, no 2 months look the same and it's a nightmare for us to plan our lives.

To make it worse, we use a co-parenting app to manage the schedule and he just updates it without any discussion or agreement from me, I find out when things have changed rather than being asked. He's essentially deciding when I see my own children.

We're due in court but it's only a fact-finding hearing. realistically nothing gets resolved until the new year. There's also a history of controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour throughout the relationship which is part of the court proceedings. Police have been involved but it hasn't reached the threshold for prosecution, which doesn't mean nothing happened.

Solicitors have been useless. basically they say some judges go with it, some don't... Feeling like I'm doing this alone.
Has anyone successfully argued that a parent's unpredictable work schedule makes 50/50 unworkable? Any advice welcome, I'm exhausted.

I’ve not been through it myself so hopefully someone will come along soon who has

hoever, my experience from friends /family and on this is that while he’s probably unlikely to get 50:50 due to his work situation you could end up having to be very flexible with his shifts and Rotas to accommodate more time when he is here and available . It’s quite possible that going to court won’t really change the situation much, they’d say use an app to communicate which you already are - the whole point of which is he doesn’t need to speak to you to get agreement -just enter in information there. And it’s often the case in here that people are expected to accommodate changing rotational patterns .

how old are the children ( or child) ?

if you genuinely don’t think this is in the children’s best interests you simply need to build your case around that - stability, minimal disruption, ability to do sports and clubs etc . But I’d say be prepared for a judge to order you to have a lot of accommodation to his schedule .

is this maintenance related ? Or control ? Or does he genuinely want to parent ?

Thanks so much for you reply, I've had similar feedback from a solicitor that I may need to be very accommodating. BUT another solicitor said that at the moment courts are favouring stability and the parent that can offer that. Sometimes giving 100% custody to the stable parent. He is also abusive to the kids, but it's low level stuff, they miss out on stuff to get at me, shouting, unrealistic expectations of them, getting at them all the time, ignoring their feelings, rather than unsafe.

He is doing this 1) to not pay me a penny, he is a very high earner and 2) for control, he is coercively controlling and abusive and I'm getting help from a domestic abuse charity on that.

I guess I am wondering how other people who were married to say oil rig workers, drs, pilots- where their shifts can be very changeable co-parent with them, what can I offer him? 35% flexibility knowing the kids get 65% stable with me? As set days wouldn't work. He will have to heavily rely on his parents, which he already does as well.

How high does he earn ? If it’s over I think about £155k he’d still be liable for some cms even with 50:50

how old are the children ?
hopefully others who have personal experience will be along. I’d post in relationships too as you will get people there who have navigated this

Thanks so much, I'll pop it in there as well

He's on about £190k at the moment, kids are 6 and 8.

Ok so 50:50 wouldn’t necessarily absolve him from child maintenance. This can be claimed above 150k ish through court

make sure you claim

keep all responses fact based around providing stability etc but offer regular contact.

Even with oil rig workers etc they are expected to provide their schedule as soon as soon as they receive it and usually it’s a very stable pattern which your ex doesn’t have.

Presumably you make it part of the order that he takes and collects the DC to parties and regular activities when they are with him.