How to survive living together 4 months into Divorce...

[Brentinger]

....any ideas? It's slowing but surely driving me mad. STBX won't engage in any discussions about separate living arrangements, has stopped paying any bills (I cover them all), takes the kids less then I do and does little to nothing around the house. It's been 4 months and it's starting to affect my mental health. Kids are 3 and 6 for context.

My brother has been living with his STB ex Wife for over a year since they separated. She refused to move out and rent while the buying her out process took place and it’s dragged on for ages with at least another 2 months in sight.

It’s been rough tbh. The vibes are weird and it’s not like a home - probably for both of them. They spend weekends apart and she sleeps on the sofa. They mostly just keep things civil and ignore each other.

She’s getting money out of the house, I have no idea why she couldn’t just be renting somewhere for the last year and let everyone get on with their life, including the children who are very confused that mummy and daddy said they were getting divorced a year ago but nothing has really changed that much except I see nanny and grandad more at the weekend.

Poor guy, at least I'm not the only one. It's rough on the kids because they don't understand what is going on, as you rightly mention.

Is the divorce rumbling on? Just keep going with it and look forward to your freedom!

Do you need to sell the house?

Have your kids been told what is happening OP? In my brother and stb ex sil’s defence I don’t think either of them had any idea it would drag out this far but I do wonder if it would have been better to wait until there was something concrete to tell…although of course children pick up on vibes that something is wrong.

What happens at the weekend?

Me and exH lived together for around 9 months until everything was finalised. We had separate bedrooms thankfully and loosely agreed what our custody days would be and tried to stick to that from the go. On ‘his’ days with the kids I would make myself scarce and vice versa. We still ate together as a family most nights. Our kids are older though and understood.

Why isn’t he paying the bills? He’s still obviously responsible for those? Have you had mediation? I would recommend trying if not and bringing this up. What’s the long term plan? Where are things at with the divorce?

The advice is generally for both owners to stay in the home until buyout agreed and finalised, it can unfortunately take a long time especially if someone drags their feet. I was on it and moving things forward at the soonest opportunity and not letting exH slow things down too much, he tried.

Yes, told the kids this summer. It's weird living in limbo and my oldest is starting to be affected by it, whereas he wasn't before.
Weekends we usually take one kid each for a bit and then I have them both - or I work (job involves some Saturdays). Same during the week, with little/no time to myself. I'm shattered!

Suggested birdnesting from January onwards but unsure how I feel about that seeing as this would now mean 2 places to clean/tidy instead of one. Plan is to buy out in the long term, if the terms of finances work out.

Have you not looked at finances properly yet? Nesting is fine as a short term arrangement while you sort out who buys who out but it’s not a long term solution for living your life happily for most people. Can you afford a place on your own?

I wouldn’t do the nesting. It blurs boundaries too much. What if he brings a woman to the house during his time?

I don't want to do it either and can afford someone else, but he can't - so I would have to help him out (just started working for the first time in years in a relatively low paid job). In terms of long term finances, it all depends on how much childcare I have to pay - where we live, even with a 50/50 split, the higher earner has to pay. Hence being unsure of being able to afford the place long term.

You don’t need to help him out at all! He can rent somewhere, it’s not your responsibility to house him. There will be a financial order so ultimately a judge will decide but don’t let him convince you that he needs to have an equivalent house to what you are currently in. Very much sounds like you are better to sell, take 50% of the equity each - you can buy a new place and he can do whatever he likes with his share of the money