How sympathetic should I be to STBXH?

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

We're separated. I'm in the house - and organise everything for the DCs. (Oldest at uni, youngest stays with him a couple of nights a week)

He owes me a significant amount of money - things we agreed to get for DC. I asked him for it again today - and he said he was struggling with his mental health.

I know he's working ridiculous hours - and won't have said anything. I also know (from DC) that his sleep is really disrupted. So I am trying to tell myself that I should be sympathetic. But it's hard.

His anger and moods affected me and older DC's mental health massively for years - we separated because he wouldn't/couldn't change, or acknowledge the impact.

So all I could think was, you didn't care when it was us. And if you had, we wouldn't all be in this situation. Oh - and how come you were able to go away with your mates but can't send me the money you promised...

Feeling both a horrible person - and completely justified. But now I can't raise the money - and that's affecting my mental health.

No sympathy for him at all.

His mental health issues do not prevent him transferring you what he owes, it takes seconds on an app. He’s taking the piss. On this issue I’d have no sympathy at all, he owes you he needs to pay it now.

It sounds like he is manipulating you OP because he knows you are a kind and considerate person so he’s taking advantage of that. Raise it again with him til he pays up.

No sympathy. He is not your friend. You have a million things on your plate and you are dealing with them, he is leaving you to do it all and in the lurch with money he owes!

No sympathy.

None. Parenting responsibilities are relentless and never ending.

His behavior here is evidence that you need to get a financial arrangement formalized instead of relying on his cooperation.

Presumably if he’s working so hard, he’ll be earning lots of money. Mental health is not a reason not to pay what he’s agreed to. He owes you this money . Remind him he agreed to pay it and you paid for whatever it was for DC on the basis of that.

Are you paying all mortgage and bills on the house? Is he contributing and then paying rent elsewhere? Does he pay cms at all?

Wow. Thanks everyone! I did think about saying that doesn’t stop you clicking transfer does it, but that would NOT have gone down well.

He does give me money for the house & DCs. And he’ll always say he’s happy to give me whatever is needed- but this isn’t the first time there’s been an issue.

And he does earn much more than me (though he would point out he has to pay for his own place).

I guess where I’m coming from is if he’s contributing to a house he’s not living in and already paying a share or cms plus has his own rent to pay he’s not necessarily being unreasonable. I guess the devil is in the detail. Depending on how much he earns bs how much his outgoings are. On the face of it he might be selfish and undeserving of sympathy or on the other hand working loads of hours to keep afloat. Difficult to know here

what’s the plan for the house? Will you buy him out or sell and split? Ultimately the goal is to financially severe ties

@millymollymoomooHe’s more in favour of keeping the house going long term than me. Youngest just starting A levels, so we had talked about keeping it at least until they’re done. But recently he suggested carrying on longer term so DCs have a family home to come back to.

And another thing. DC is staying there tonight. He’s landed a meal out on her at the last minute with people she doesn’t know. She had college work to do - but doesn’t want to tell him that (or for me to). Jesus.

It’s often mentioned that clean breaks are preferred are here. There is a reason for this. Removing financial dependence and entanglement removes potential points of conflict, stress and disappointment. With children stuck in the middle of things. It would seem to me you are both headed in that direction and your children are involved. If you aren’t there already. It will get worse.

It’s unclear from your post as to what money he is regularly giving you and what money he now owes you. It’s not really clear what you mean by sympathetic. Do you mean give him more time to pay, write off the debt or send thoughts and prayers?

You have 2 posts which avoid whether you have agreed to keep the family home until your youngest finishes her exams. You might not want it as much as him but have you agreed it is the best thing for you and or your daughter. You are living with the consequences of that decision. It must be your decision and you need to live with it.

You also need to formalise your financial arrangements with him and keep it as simple as possible. He should give you child support, you are entitled to this. Anything extra needs to be part of the agreement to continue owning the house but also recognise that this an expensive option if he needs to fund his own place as well. What can you both afford? And what are you both willing to pay for? Once that is agreed you should expect him to set up a standing order for the agreed amount. If he doesn’t do this, then you will keep rolling back to this position. But that will be something you have knowingly agreed to.

It’s not really about sympathy. It’s about you asserting your needs and taking ownership of your decision. Then living with the consequences. That is what your daughter needs to do in relation to going out for a meal.