Anyone else felt overwhelmed after buying a home post-divorce?

[NewBuildWonderings]

Just purchased a home after renting for 3 years after divorce; feel exhausted, sad, zero enthusiasm for home decor, thought I was doing the ‘right’ thing by getting back on the property ladder but just feel overwhelmed and so weary of making all the decisions myself, all the paperwork, the snagging… I chose to buy a 4 bed home, wanting to keep the option for my daughters to visit/stay if/when they need to… I really thought long and hard about that and it was-is so important to me that they had somewhere to stay but now I feel I have all this house to look after and it feels too much.
Anyone else been through this and found their mojo?

I did the opposite from you. I bought a tiny one bedroom cottage so I could free up cash to support the DC and have less cleaning to do!

They still both stay, despite it being cramped. It’s very cosy and really as they get older it’s only Christmas. I will probably be going to their house for Christmas soon…

Give yourself time to settle in. You have made a huge adjustment to your life. Give it a year before making any further decisions. It isn’t irreversible if you decide the house isn’t quite right for you.

I bought a smaller place but it all needed work - on balance I wish I’d gone slightly bigger as the kitchen and bathroom / rewiring / plastering would have added value and cost around the same.
I was tired from selling my old place so I did find it overwhelming at first and there were some hard times with handymen. It dragged on and was depressing to come back to the mess. If I could afford it I would hire a firm to do it all at once.

@cartagenagina that sounds wise; and I seriously considered a smaller place but thought I’d weighed up enough that I could keep my options open - it came down to there was no right or wrong, I just felt I had to get back on the property ladder and out of the rental. Now of course I’m missing the familiarity of the rental and ugh! I don’t want to have a grass is always greener mindset - got to focus on the positives of where I’m at - thank you for replying

thank you for sharing @kiwiane - I found the uk housing market is just full of a lot of ‘projects’ and soulless new builds - hard to find a perfect home. I guess I need to focus on what I do now I’m here and make the most of it; it’s all up to me… that’s the bit I find hard, not having someone to bounce ideas around with and share in the figuring out.

Have you got a new build op? (User name assumption!) if so I wouldn’t worry too much about maintenance. Pay for a snagger to come out and do the snagging for you, they’ll do a report, hand it straight over to the developer to sort for you.

New builds are very low maintenance past the snagging stage, I know it’s not the same but DH travels for work months at a time, we have a cleaner every 2 weeks, and the house always feels clean and organised, I’ve never felt overwhelmed by the size even when on my own. Took years to decorate but looked fine in the meantime.

I think new build is a great choice for low maintenance.

Yes op - 2 years ago I was in your situation and so depressed about it all. Felt totally overwhelmed by the responsibility of doing everything on my own and no one to talk to ( copilot was very helpful and it never gets bored - I talked to it for hours about boilers and double glazing ) I also had no skills. 2 years on I own a massive tool box and feel a sense of pride and happiness about my home. It’s all mine and no man will ever taking from me.

you will get there op. But it is hard at the start . Feel proud at every step !

do you garden op and is there a garden? I actually did that first as that was what I knew

I remember being in tears the first time I had to put flat pack furniture together on my own, I raged and swore at my ex, the screwdriver, the planks of wood, everything! Now, I’m a dab hand and wouldn’t think twice. It’s a learning curve but the feeling of independence is worth it!

Yes @carbdisminds - good detecting 😉. I bought a new build… wasn’t my sole focus but no chain complications and it’s a blank canvas plus energy efficient and hopefully low maintenance like you say…
I think I give myself a hard time with all my decisions… I have to keep reminding myself of why I bought this place after a 3 year search, no house/location is perfect, just got to make the most…. Thanks for sharing 👍

it’s encouraging to read your post @Wish44. Well done for finding your way with all that.

I actually signed up for a short diy course for women which was fun but did leave me feeling I don’t want to mess up my walls! Might need to bring in some help…
And I became a dab hand with the mower at my rental house; just have grass here right now too… I did used to garden and grow veggies but feel a bit clueless about what to do with my patch here; it’s like my brain is done with making decisions; I think there’s also some resentment overhanging from my married life - where I put a lot of energy into home projects only to have to leave it all behind and now feeling a bit what’s the point? That’s not what makes a happy mind… at least not for me.. but I guess there’s a balance to be struck between making a place feel like home and knowing that this time I get to choose if/when I move on.
its just the being brave and making decisions…

It’s good to read your efforts paid off @Cairneyes just got to keep trying right? I did feel a sense of achievement when I got the tv and wifi set up and working when I moved in…. Got to focus on the small wins and make a bit of progress every day rather than expecting to land in a perfectly coordinated place from the outset. I’m not even sure it’s perfectly coordinated that I want… possibly because I put so much effort in to setting up our homes as a family and for me it’s not the stuff that creates happiness but the things you do with your time.. if that makes sense;

You don't need to rush. I bought a place last December and haven't done anything yet. Just let it be till are inspired. I had a tree cut down yesterday which cost over a grand so everything will take time or money

I like your wait and see approach @Doggymummar Need to learn to give myself a bit of a break… I feel the weight of other people’s expectations and questions and also want to be set up so that I can get on with living life but there needs to be a balance… and then I come back to not having anyone to chat to about it all… I need to get my head round seeing that as a bonus not a drawback. Oh life and it’s rich pattern

Turn this on it’s head. Instead of thinking you have nobody to bounce ideas off, you don’t have to compromise with anyone.

I know some posters are very anti, but I find ChatGPT perfect for this kind of thing. And the upside is, you can ignore its suggestions and it won’t sulk for a week!

Congratulations on buying your new home.

If it's a new build I'm guessing it's actually mostly OK and perfectly livable without you needing to do anything at all.

Make sure the essentials like the utilities, insurance etc are all sorted. Then just take your time. Perhaps just think about 1 room at a time.

The garden can wait until Spring. A few vegetables and flowers in pots in the Spring would be a start. If you fancy doing anything sooner stick some daffodil, crocus and snowdrop bulbs in now for some prettiness in the new year when everything is drab. It won't take more than half an hour and will start the making it your home feel.

Yes you’re right @cartagenagina - just got to keep catching any negative thoughts, breathe and pick one thing to do next 🤓

Another vote for taking your time. If your home is weather proof, has hot and cold running water and some form of heating, you are all good.

You now have the luxury of just pleasing yourself. You could just halt everything and wait until the urge to make any change for your own comfort and safety appears.

There is no one you need to please other than yourself. And ChatGPT or Copilot or whatever is absolutely your friend here. Listens endlessly, can make surprisingly useful suggestions and above all never complains.

Bliss.

Yes and yes. Except I had 3 years stuck living and wfh with my ex, while the house sold. I've put it down to an adjustment period. I've been in nearly 6 months and dearly love my new home. I feel so safe and peaceful, both dogs are happy. We've had one hell of a productive summer in the garden, and I haven't even begun to decorate the inside. I still have boxes everywhere (my ex failed to nook any removals for his stuff). I chose a 3 bed so my girls could each have their own space when they visit from uni. I had a good 2 months of imposter syndrome, where I've felt that I don't deserve this place, that it's too big and I've been "greedy" for wanting the outside space. I regularly panic about taking on the mortgage.
I try to remind myself that I can/may choose to downsize in the future, and that paying the mortgage is like renting my own place. I've moved to a completely new area, and am starting to put down roots and get to know people.
I won't truly know which feelings are 'real' and which are anxiety/panic/adjustment until I've been here for at least a year what I do know is that I breathe a massive sigh of relief when I open the front door and come home 🖤

Yes - I have been in my house just over a year now. It's still in much the same as it was a month after I moved in that everything is unpacked but I've not even put many pictures up yet as they remind me of the home I left. Overwhelmed by the thought of doing anything to it.

Give it a year. See all four seasons out and let yourself settle. I would also recommend enlisting the help and enthusiasm of your married friends who are sick of their husbands and wish they had the balls/financial ability to leave and start again. They'll be right behind you with a screwdriver and cheer you on when you need it, living vicariously though you and envying your position.