Advice pre break up

[Zoe4654]

Hi, this is my first time posting here and am hoping for some advice (please be kind)

I have been with my wife over ten years and we have two children together aged 4 and 6. The
marriage has gradually deteriorated and I haven't felt much kindness or care from my wife for a long time. The relationship isn't toxic and we get on fine for the most part, but there is nothing there romantically for me anymore and I don't think there is for her either.

To make things worse for the past two years I have been in love with somebody else. I haven't acted on these feelings and have tried to ignore it as much as possible and focus on my wife but our relationship isn't working and I've realised the kindest thing for both of us would be for me to end it as soon as possible as living a pretence is really taking a toll on my mental health.

We both earn fairly decent money and have a mortgage together which is due for renewal in about 18 months, at which point she could hopefully buy me out and I could hopefully get my own place (having saved between now and then). We would need to continue to live together until that point which I know won't be easy but I can't see any other choice.

Essentially, I want to make this as easy as possible on her because I know this is ultimately my decision not hers and she isn't asking for her entire life to change. Those of you who have been through something like this what could your (ex)partner have done to make things easier on you? I will take on any advice as I really don't want to make things any worse for her than I already wlll do.

Also any advice on how to live together whilst separated and how to make this easier on the children would be really appreciated.

Thank you

I have been in your shoes but I was the wife. Neither myself or now exDH were in a position to buy each other out, so we lived together, separated, for a long time. It took it's toll on my mental health. But the good news was that our DC still had the benefit of 2 parents! We obviously explained the situation but life for him carried on as normal.
You need to bite the bullet and tell your DW what your intentions are. No time is a good time. You'll feel relief that it's out there. Then let the conversations over finances flow from there, when she's ready. Don't forget that you've been thinking about this for a while, it might come as a shock to her. She will ask if there is anyone else. What would you do if you deny it and she then wants to try again? Would you be willing to try again and forget this OW?
If you go ahead, get legal advice as I'm sure she will. If you are honest and fair, there is a good chance you can co-parent and even have an amicable divorce.

@ItsNotLoveActuallythank you for replying. I know she will ask if there's anyone else and my plan is to be honest as I think that's the best way forward in terms of being fair to her? We have a big family event coming up in a couple of weeks so my plan is to tell her after that

I think if you haven't acted on your feelings for someone else I'm not sure I would tell her tbh. I am working my way through a separation, still living together at the moment but very much separated.

Split was initiated by me after many years of being unhappy. Latterly in the relationship I developed feelings for someone else, which I did not act on. I decided not to tell my partner when I asked for a divorce because I didn't think it would be helpful for our future co-parenting relationship and I felt the focus would become all about that, this sense of me having a grass is greener attitude etc. And honestly the other guy is not why I'm leaving. He is a symptom not a cause - I only ever developed feelings for him because of being unhappy at home.

We've been going through break up therapy and have really developed a better understanding of each other and why the relationship broke down. And I am so glad I didn't say anything. It would just hurt him and bring in jealousy and bitterness which ultimately serves no purpose but to assuage my guilt. So if you do want to tell her have a think about why, and is it really in her best interests if you already know you want to leave?

If you wanted to save the relationship id tell her though.

For how to survive, just hunker down, keep communicating, try to be kind whilst holding on to boundaries. It will be shit but you'll get through.