What’s likely to happen?

[ChaosManaged]

I have posted here before about my marriage/seperation. In summary, my husband has significant MH and physical health problems. In the past 6 months alone he has had a breakdown, attempted or threatened suicide 3+ times, had a couple of seizures, been agressive and psychologically unsafe infront of 2 DDs (both under 10), abused alcohol, driven impaired, threatened to kill me in a therapy session etc. His actions have jeopardised his career which he has had a break from since earlier in the year but pending a review panel, is due to return to in November.i suspect that it is more about losing full pay rather than feeling recovered.

to summarise, it’s been an absolute shit show.

Due to his agressive behaviour I was forced to leave the family home with kids one day quite suddenly. Eventually he moved out and I moved back with kids. MASH teams, police, school all aware. Advice I had was he can’t be unsupervised with kids and if I am supervising (there isn’t an easy other alternative) it should be in a public place. We have reached some pattern of him seeing them once a week for a few hours but I have had to be very firm with boundaries.

My ex is now miraculously ‘all fine’ despite some still concerning behaviour from my POV. He is now putting considerable pressure on me to put house on market as ‘he needs to move on, buy his own place with bedrooms for boys’. He is moving into a rental property we own in the next couple of weeks so adequately housed for his current needs. I have a solicitor that has said it will all take a while, and I have submitted application for divorce.

My question is what can I expect in terms of shared custody and split of assets. We have one property (family home) which has about £500k equity, flat with £100k. I am the higher earner (100k v 70k). NHS pension for 20 years each. My husband thinks he is coming out with 50:50 split but I can’t see the courts giving him overnight custody of the children so presume I would be afforded more assets? I would be happy to sign over rental property to him which is sufficient for his needs if he doesn’t have kids overnight and affordable, but I recognise this leaves me family home which has significant more equity (but a very significant mortgage too). I recognise pensions needs to be taken into account but does anyone know how this might go?

just to say, I don’t want to come across as grabby but my children are hugely traumatised by what has happened and what they have witnessed. Their home is their safe space and I just want some stability for them for a while. I have started to sow a seed with my oldest about a new home.

TIA

IANAL but I think you might be in for a shock re assets split. You are the higher earner, presumably with the highest pension pot. He has significant issues which may well negatively impact on his earning power. He also may recover and therefore be granted some nights with the children. You both need a house that houses them as well as you.

It's too complex to advise here. It will come down to whether your children are deemed at risk. For that, there will likely be a section 7 done, psychological assessments etc...

A lot will come down to cafcass recommendation.

As for the financial order, you can look at coming with an arrangement out of court using mediation or pay £50k to a solicitor to fight for you.

The outcome again depends on the above, but ultimately, it will mainly come down to needs being met and income/income potential.

I agree with the above. But he’s entitled to a share of all assets inc pensions. What that share is will be determined probably based on professionals recommendations re child arrangements but in principle you need to think of 50:50 split if everything then start building a case as to why you need more ( especially as you earn more )

Has he kept his job ?

Also you don’t have to hurry at all, you can ignore and delay for a long time with no penalty. My ex delayed for 3 years, even with my solicitor pushing court dates. So don’t accept the pressure.

Shockingly yes.

I don’t know how much difference will be in pension pot. He is older, been working longer. Both in NHS pension schemes

Appreciate its complex but some of the health issues have been happening for years including fatigue meaning he has fallen asleep whilst caring for kids, and alcohol
abuse documented since 2021 (although allegedly tee total for 4 years). I will never know as was all done in secret.

Am I being naive by thinking he has a hell of a lot to row back on in terms of trust in caring for the kids again. Will the courts plan his living circumstances for what he needs at the time of the divorce (so if unable to have kids overnight, 2 bedrooms are sufficient), or if he could ever recover (in which case he rattles about in a 3 bedrooms property potentially if he never gets well enough to have them unsupervised)

You need very good advice and representation. Far too much complexity.

For example, If he can get better, then at some point he can have the children. If he can’t get better he doesn’t have a long term career or income.

The other issue is how strong your position is with 50% of the assets = c300k and with an income of £100k per year and a top notch pension. That a lot of met needs.

Sadly not in London! My current mortgage is half my monthly salary for a three bedroom house!

You both need to obtain a CETV from your pension scheme .... will give you cash equivalent transfer value. Likely it will take a long time to get them so get onto it now.