Advice on how to actually separate

[Toilettalk]

Hi I need some advice.

I need to leave my partner… he’s shown some abusive behaviour in recent years and my mind is made up. But I feel completely stuck on how to actually leave.

for context, he earns a lot of money. I don’t. He’s threatened to stop paying the mortgage on our house (5050) and threatened that if I get solicitors involved he’ll basically deliberately bleed me dry. He knows I have little money of my own. I do work full time but our lifestyle decisions have been based on his income and my contributions leave me with very little.

every time I try and talk to him he blows up, calls me nasty things, threatens these horrible things and leaves the room.

ive got lots of support in family and friends but I just can’t see how to move forward without it feeling like I’m dropping a grenade. I have a 30min call tomorrow to get legal advice but I’m just feeling so worried I’m pulling a trigger

anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice on how to move forward? I cannot work out how to get him to have a calm conversation with me. He’s so avoidant despite it being obvious that we can’t go on like this.

we have two small children 💔

Are you married ?

No

Ok so assuming if in England /wales, you don’t have the same rights as if you were married. Essentially you own a home ? If so if that’s held as joint tenants you own 50% so you’re due that share of any equity . He either needs to buy you out or you sell and split.

if the mortgage is joint and you are both named, it’s joint and several which means you are both 100% liable . If he stops paying the mortgage company simply expect you to. They don’t care who pays it just that it’s paid.

depending on child arrangements he’ll owe you cms. Have you worked out

equity due
your income
the cms contributions to see what financial position you will be in ?

can you claim uc? Can you buy with a mortgage ? Will you need to rent ?

ehen you say he’s a high earner, his high? That might make a difference to whether you’d have any chance of being allowed to stay in the home currently ( you won’t be awarded higher share)

Might be worth having an appointment with citizens advice? They can advise you on things like housing options/maintenance payments.

Do you have anywhere you could go and stay with the children? Sometimes you just have to drop that grenade and move forward.

And I agree so ruined you just have to drop the grenade. It’s never going to get easier. Most likely these are idle threats used as a form of control

Thank you.

He earns higher than me and our monthly mortgage payment is more than I earn a month. Agree it’s control. He claims he’ll do 5050 childcare although given I do 99% of it now, I’ve no idea how.

i earn too much to claim UC. I do have family and friends I can stay with. But it’s more just being brave enough to take the plunge. So scared of it being the wrong decision and what like looks like on the other side

Hi all, re-igniting this thread in hope of some advice.
current situation is - I’ve told him I want to split (not married) and I want to sit and have an adult conversation about how we do it. As expected he hurled a load of nasty things at me. Told me if I dare get any solicitors or court involved it’s ’war’ and he’ll destroy me. Threatened to string things out until I run out of money which won’t take long. He’s a much much higher earner than me.

he’s told me he’ll settle for nothing less than 5050 but he needs time to find an au pair or a nanny to help. This is devastating to me, our girls are young. He works long hours and travels a lot so I’ve no idea how he’ll make it work.

i feel absolutely stuck, I know he can’t dictate. But there is no reasoning with this man.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How do I move forward? Just go ahead and instruct a solicitor? I can’t just move out, he won’t ’let’ me take the kids and no way am I leaning them, just feel totally trapped!

any advice? Please? X

Yes. You have no options but to instruct a solicitor.

If you feel unsafe, you leave with the children without telling him.

So sorry you are going through this.

I think you'll have to stay put in the jointly owned home while it is on the market. You might need to instruct a solicitor to force the sale if he doesn't agree to sell. You are jointly liable for the mortgage, and it will impact you both equally if he stops paying his contribution and you fall into arrears.

Regarding childcare, even if you were married, he'd still be entitled to use nannies etc for his 50/50 time. It's the financial side of things that are trickiest because you are not married, and that fact you have kids means you are in quite a vulnerable position from that point of view. If you have them equal time, he won't need to pay CMS.

If he's actually best placed to provide the stable home environment, or buy you out of the current property, is there a world in which the kids spend more time with him as "resident parent", which might allow you to buy or rent somewhere a little smaller or within your budget, or have additional time to restrain/up skill etc to improve your earning potential going forward?

An hour's advice from a solicitor will be money well spent. Do you own the house as joint tenants, tenants in common.

Thanks. Were joint tennants and yes understand my position being unmarried. I do 99% of the parenting, he travels a lot, works very long hours so I can’t imagine a way in which he could do the majority share and nor would I want that. I can make things work on my salary if he were to do 5050, I just don’t know a way to move forward without it going nuclear.

Any mention of court or speaking to a solicitor triggers him having been dragged through it as a child. But I feel like by threatening me he’s giving me no choice

Im confused really

what do you think you need solicitors for? The only thing youre due is 50% of the house and cms so there shouldn’t be arguing or fighting in the sense of asset split. It’s just a question of what to do with the house - ie one of you buys the others 50% share out or you sell and split equity 50:50

then decide child arrangement ( and cms)

why is there talk of going to court etc ? You should only need that if you can’t ultimately agree the house ( ie buy out or sell)

in the meantime you’re most likely going to have to stay in the house together - unless he’s a danger and you try for an occupation order

I totally out of my depth on what people do in this situation to be honest!

thus far our entire family life revolves around him and his job, so I can’t see how he can come to a set pattern of childcare. I don’t want to be in a situation where he is inconsistent and not sticking to the plan. So I feel we will need a legal contract of some sort.

He won’t sit down with me to come up with a plan, every time I try it ends in a nasty argument; so I guess I feel like I need some sort of protection when he’s threatening me. I’ve spoken to a solicitor who advised given the kids are so young it would be rare for a court to rule that they would spend 5050 with him if childcare is required. But he is adamant we don’t go down that route and therefore I feel j have no choice but to let him do it, despite knowing that’s not what’s best for the kids

In reality if his job pattern is variable a child arrangements order won’t force him to a regular pattern - often they simply expect you to accommodate that and be flexible around it - and it won’t force him to stick to it ( ie if he doesn’t show up). It’s not great but that’s how it works. It will force you to make the children available not him to have them

if he wants 50:50 ask him how he intends to do so. Sat you won’t stop him but he needs to explain and demonstrate how that’s going to work in practice .

make notes of every time he renages or changes something. He may over time realise it’s not feasible. Don’t fight him now - just ok where will we both live and how are you going to change your pattern to accommodate?

once he realises he has to organise pick ups /drop offs /can’t go out etc he may change. If he steps up great, if he doesn’t then it demonstrates 50:50 won’t work

is he agreeable on the house ? That could be a long battle if he refuses to engage

New thread created.

Sorry, meant to add a new thread! Ignore. Will pop a new thread on.