Advice on how to actually separate

[Toilettalk]

Hi I need some advice.

I need to leave my partner… he’s shown some abusive behaviour in recent years and my mind is made up. But I feel completely stuck on how to actually leave.

for context, he earns a lot of money. I don’t. He’s threatened to stop paying the mortgage on our house (5050) and threatened that if I get solicitors involved he’ll basically deliberately bleed me dry. He knows I have little money of my own. I do work full time but our lifestyle decisions have been based on his income and my contributions leave me with very little.

every time I try and talk to him he blows up, calls me nasty things, threatens these horrible things and leaves the room.

ive got lots of support in family and friends but I just can’t see how to move forward without it feeling like I’m dropping a grenade. I have a 30min call tomorrow to get legal advice but I’m just feeling so worried I’m pulling a trigger

anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice on how to move forward? I cannot work out how to get him to have a calm conversation with me. He’s so avoidant despite it being obvious that we can’t go on like this.

we have two small children 💔

Are you married ?

No

Ok so assuming if in England /wales, you don’t have the same rights as if you were married. Essentially you own a home ? If so if that’s held as joint tenants you own 50% so you’re due that share of any equity . He either needs to buy you out or you sell and split.

if the mortgage is joint and you are both named, it’s joint and several which means you are both 100% liable . If he stops paying the mortgage company simply expect you to. They don’t care who pays it just that it’s paid.

depending on child arrangements he’ll owe you cms. Have you worked out

equity due
your income
the cms contributions to see what financial position you will be in ?

can you claim uc? Can you buy with a mortgage ? Will you need to rent ?

ehen you say he’s a high earner, his high? That might make a difference to whether you’d have any chance of being allowed to stay in the home currently ( you won’t be awarded higher share)

Might be worth having an appointment with citizens advice? They can advise you on things like housing options/maintenance payments.

Do you have anywhere you could go and stay with the children? Sometimes you just have to drop that grenade and move forward.

And I agree so ruined you just have to drop the grenade. It’s never going to get easier. Most likely these are idle threats used as a form of control

Thank you.

He earns higher than me and our monthly mortgage payment is more than I earn a month. Agree it’s control. He claims he’ll do 5050 childcare although given I do 99% of it now, I’ve no idea how.

i earn too much to claim UC. I do have family and friends I can stay with. But it’s more just being brave enough to take the plunge. So scared of it being the wrong decision and what like looks like on the other side