Does the anger dissappear?

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I am currently still living with my ex but already divorced. Our house is on the market but he isnt pulling his weight so it is a bit of an unfair set up at the moment with me doing the vast majority of the work. One of the many reasons for the divorce was him not pulling his weight in all aspects of our life so this wont change nor do I expect it too.

The problem I have is I feel very angry and bitter about the whole situation and I am really worried I will feel this way even when we part ways. My mum was very bitter about her divorce til her death and talked/ranted about my dad quite a lot. I dont want to be that person.

We are recent empty nesters so I will only have to have minimal contact with him in the future. I stayed far too many years and I think thats why I feel so angry. Part of me feels angry with myself for not putting myself first and divorcing him sooner. I waited until the kids moved out thinking I was doing the right thing for them. I now see this was wrong as I have spent half my life with someone who never had my back or respected me. Its been a very lonely and loveless marriage.

I expected it to be hard whilst we are living together but what i want to know is once you get your own place is it easier to move on and forget about them or does the anger and sadness stay for years?

I cant afford counselling as I am a low earner but I do read quite a lot of self help books/podcasts so I am happy to work on myself and reframing it.

Does anyone have any tips on moving forward in a positive way? I am spending far too much time thinking about how much I hate him.

None of us can tell you how you will feel when you’re finally living apart. I hope you can cast off the sadness and anger but don’t expect that to happen overnight. It might take a long time given the length of your marriage. Go with the flow. Give it time. Read the books, lean on friends & family.

You might look back with deep sadness that you gave your life away for far too long but hopefully you’ll put that down to experience as you press ahead. Leave it in your rear view mirror.

You might feel sad that all your younger dreams of the happy ever after has come to nothing. All hope is gone but the days ahead will foster new dreams and experiences. You’ll be freeee!

You might feel massive relief that finally you are in charge of your new self and don’t have to think of him ever again.

My suggestion is that you block him from
absolutely everything; your phone, social media, shared anything & everything. Start that today. Let there be no access to you and your new life. Seize the power.

Go below the radar whilst you take stock, create some head space, heal, rest and find out who you are. Not wife, mother, support network! You!

Many swear by a very sensible woman on Instagram. She puts everything into perspective and is very helpful.

Look for: rebuildandrisewithAwbria

Keep the faith, You’ll be fine.

My anger got less, but there is still some there if I think about things (it’s been 7 years approx). I dont dwell on things though, I can’t change it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. It has given me lots to think about and focus on.

Have you heard of Chump Lady? She says that you have to get to "Meh".
Easier said than done, but she has a whole community, support emails and podcasts for free, so might be something there that helps.

Thank you Purplecat. I suppose its unrealistic never to feel anger if you think about it but hopefully in time I will learn not to dwell on it like you and hopefully I will be thinking of it less with distance between us.

Ah thank you. I will look her up.

You haven’t mentioned if you have kids? My anger continued whilst he had the freedom to live his life how he wanted whilst I was always the main carer, but I changed my attitude to feel privileged for my relationship with the kids. The best way to stop the anger is to improve tour life - I have a brilliant new relationship so that really helped

Yes i have kids who have both recently moved out for uni/work. I do have a great relationship with them both and his relationship with them is strained because you reap what you sow.

I suppose that is part of the big emotion I feel because when i told the kids I was divorcing him they said they wished i had done it years ago! I had no idea they felt this way. It just seemed never the right time with school and college exams etc. I know I hung on with the best intentions but I feel a fool.

I have no intention to meet anyone else but never say never. I just wouldnt want to for a few years as I need to find myself again.

One of my children said that they never want me to find a new partner. They said that I am such a people pleaser that I would let someone make me small again. I am working on the people pleasing (perimenopause is helping with that!).

That’s exactly the right attitude- to find yourself and find happiness for yourself. If a relationship happens it happens but you certainly don’t need it. Find things you enjoy, one of them being not to have a third child to look after!

sounds like you have made the right decision, and the anger should fade. You can’t change the facts, but you can change your attitude to the facts.

Every time you think you’re a fool just remember it was you being a great mum. The best even! And now is your time to settle into the easier section of life- the one that involves life as you want it.

Ease off the self help books if you can, I used to be a self help addict (worked in a bookshop and ended up reviewing a lot) and honestly most of them aren’t for the average person who’s distraught as they explain as if to someone who is fully rational and able to process everything, you could read them a certain way and drive yourself mad while absolving yourself of anything that happened thus feeding into bitterness. A neighbour was an addict too at the time and talking to her was like psychology one oh one, everyone was abusive, she had boundaries about the tiniest thing, she was angry and on edge about the world.

best of luck op

Even if it was a bad marriage you will have to grieve it. Your feelings of all sorts will come and go. Good days and bad. one day you it will just be a memory . It’s a journey . Good luck op. Also don’t be sad about not separating sooner ( unless there was abuse) separating brings its own set of problems and they might have been worse - I currently have a teen being manipulated by her dad and I can’t intervene as not there and it’s awful.

I'm 3 years down the line since he announced he was unhappy. He moved out initially and continued to pay for me to live in our home.
I discovered he'd been sexting randoms for years and had an intense emotional attachment to his HR person!
I left the home and moved into a rented house he moved back to our home and it sold in July. Equity sits with conveyancer. He lives in a rented room.

Its a mess, I'm livid that he lied to us all for so long and continues to lie with the attitude of I can do what I want.
We were married 32 years I got through breast cancer and worshipped that man. He has destroyed our family.

I am very sorry you are dealing with this. I think that was part of my worry about seperating. He treated both our children really differently and I was worried how the one he was tough on would cope if he had to be with him part of the week.

You are right that their are challenges on the other side of seperating if you have children at home. I hope things get better for you wish44.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Its so devastating for such a long marriage. I think everyone has given me some great advice on here and I hope some of it helps you too. Look after yourself.

My friends mum never got over it, it was utterly tragic, they divorced in her forties, and she died in her 80s. She never had a serious relationship again, although a few short ones, and every single time I saw her she went on about him, she literally wasted half her life bitter. It was hard for her kids to deal with. Christ it was even hard for me to listen to, and everyone jist viewed her with pity.

i don’t have advise, other than you need to put every effort you can into being forward looking, about the now, the future, and come to terms with the past, your marriage felt like the right thing at the time, you have children from it, it didn’t work as you wished, and it’s ended, and now it’s a new chapter.

don’t live in the past, and make it your future.

That is so sad and I am determined not to do that to my kids. My mum was like that and it was very upsetting to be around her.

To be honest I have too much good in my life (hobbies, interests, lovely kids) to ever be completely consumed by it forever.

My mum had nothing. No interest in life, massively depressed and no real connection to her kids. Heartbreaking to see someone waste their life like that.

It depends on the circumstances of the divorce, but if it was ugly, the short answer in no. My story is that I was married for 30 years. Two kids and two grandchildren. She started cheating and had to go. Its been 4 years now and i'm with a wonderful girl now, but i'll never get over the anger I hold for the ex. Besides the cheating, she did some horrible things. Our son has cut her out of his life forever and the grandchildren don't or won't ever know who she is. So no, i'll never get over the anger or bitterness. Stinks to hold something like that forever, but its the truth.

Everyone's different but my anger was absolutely white hot for about 4 months then died down a lot. Plenty of other emotions in there too, of course.

Best advice for anger and any other emotions is to get them out, but safely. Writing for 5 mins a day in a notebook only you will read sounds pointless but omg it made SO much difference. Doesn't have to make sense, you don't have to reach any conclusions or "get over" it. Just get the feeling out. Eventually it calms down but as others have said, I still feel it at times. I certainly still feel a lot of sadness at how hard it was being married to my ex for so long.

Look after yourself. It's a tough time but undoubtedly worth it. 💐

Thank you emerald! I have been reflecting a lot and realised that I have more than the marriage to process. I had a traumatic childhood and I am realising that I actually sought out a partner that would repeat patterns of my childhood. Add that to being an extreme people pleaser who didnt leave soon enough I think I have been suppressing far too much emotion. So the fact I can feel the anger is probably a step forward in a weird way.

I will have a go at putting my thoughts on paper.

Been a long time divorced, and he’s been an absolute dick ever since. I absolutely hate him, even more than when we divorced because of his behaviour since. I don’t think it will ever go away, he’s not likely to stop being such a dick anytime soon. However, I can keep that in a box, bitch to a few selected people, occasionally, but it hasn’t held me back from finding happiness in every aspect of my life, I don’t dwell on it, I’m better off in every way and an enormously grateful for that.