A bit of context… my husband has ADHD, and I have bipolar. I’ve just gone back to work after our second child. My husband struggles a LOT with the lack of time to himself. That’s got much worse since having the second (my eldest is 5yo so he’s quite easy, it’s not like having a baby and a toddler).
We did couples therapy 2.5 years ago when we were deciding whether to have a second (or to end the relationship). We worked through our issues but they are still here and back in force second time round.
I got postpartum psychosis and PND after my first and was unwell for 15 months. That took a huge toll on our marriage. I had to go to a mother & baby unit for 2 months and live at my mum’s for another month. My husband leant into work as a way of blocking it all out and coping.
today is my baby’s birthday. My husband didn’t mark it in any way. He also didn’t say a word on my first day back at work. He is I think also on the spectrum (the psychiatrist who diagnosed his ADHD thought so but we didn’t agree at the time two years ago).
I do 90% of the childcare and managing the house. We do split chores, in that he does the bins (when he remembers) and the dish washer (when he remembers). His work is his top priority; after that it is resting on the weekend.
I’ve come to realise how introverted and self absorbed he is. He shuts down very easily and is ALWAYS on his phone.
we aren’t intimate at all and we usually sleep in separate bedrooms as he doesn’t like being touched by accident in the night & he does snore sometimes. Right now I don’t want to share a bed with him to be honest.
i have very angry feelings towards him and I feel incredibly lonely. We snap a lot. For me the last straw was his refusal to do any pick ups and minimal drop offs (Fridays only). There is no recognition or awareness of my career (I am not the main breadwinner but I earn a very good salary).
he has refused to go on holiday this year as it’s too difficult with a baby apparently. He’s also turned me against some of my family.
I don’t know whether to bother with therapy again - he made promises there about getting a coach for work and also starting individual therapy but those things never emerged.
is this 1>2 kid transition just incredibly testing or is this the end of the road? How do I know I am not getting unwell, ie anger and frustration being an up episode? I will discuss this with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Thank god I’m still under the perinatal team.
any help much appreciated, from those who separated and from those who didn’t!