Potential divorce advise

[YourCleverHare]

Hi, so I’m just looking for a bit of advice as I don’t really have anyone to talk to.
im a 38F been with my husband for over 20 years and married for 14. For the past 5-10 years we haven’t had a sexual relationship and the past year or two we don’t talk we watch tv in separate rooms and sleep in separate beds. We socialise together with friends but not on our own.
as I’m writing this it’s blatantly obvious that the right thing to do is divorce but my children are sitting there SATS and GCSE’s this school year and to see their parents go through a divorce would effect their studies/results. We pay off our mortgage in a couple of years and we are financially stable and have nice holidays etc.
what if I divorce and I’m even more lonely than I am now? And on top of being lonely having to worry about money as I only earn £24,000 a year. What if I never meet anyone else?
when I have brought a divorce up before, he refuses to leave the home and I don’t have anywhere to go with the children! Has anyone produced divorce papers and then lived together until it’s all gone through? I can imagine this to be a nightmare but I don’t think we have any other option.

I mean when I hear you say "what if I never meet someone else" I think - but you aren't with someone now..you are sitting in separate rooms. You don't have sex. It's far lonelier to be alone together than to be alone alone imo. What are you actually losing if you split up?

This sounds very lonely and miserable to me

i think it’s just the comfort of him being there. Iv never been single, I met him when I was in school so it’s very scary. Financially things will be hard and I worry that il won’t be able to ever take my children on holidays or be able to buy them things they want and need.
This sounds very shallow but I’m also really worried what people will think. Ridiculous I know!

Do you think ye could turn it around? Loneliness and money aren’t a reason to stay ever- and anyway surely you’re as lonely with someone there who doesn’t engage with you the way he did? BUT if you like having him there and feel ye could start dating and even loving again then it makes sense to try to bring things back

That sounds a really tough and lonely situation.
In my recent experience, I am less lonely, less stressed and have more responsibility since we separated and divorced.
I do worry about similar things to you, particularly as I get older, but I remind myself that the person I met and was with initially isn’t who I was with at the end and when I compare now to the last years, now is significantly better.
Yes there are more responsibilities and practical ‘jobs’ to do but in my reality, They were always mine as my requests or expectations for him to do them were never met.
I now know they’re mine so find that easier than thinking they’ll be done and let down.
You’ll be free to meet other friends and new friends and men on dates, some good some not!
Financially, it is worse but you are in a good position with half a mortgage free house and a financial consent order will provide for you both equally and consider the children.
You’ll also have child free weekends at times if he pulls his parenting weight!

Many people live together while divorcing due to finances
why should he move out just because you want a divorce ?

furst thing practically Is to understand your marital assets and then start thinking what a split could be. You may qualify for uc top ups or other help. Will there be enough assets to provide two homes? Can you buy a house with your share , will you need a mortgage, can you get one etc?

you can start to educate yourself on this and the principles of fission online. There’s lots of resources.

you make it sound like a presumption you will have the children …. What does your husband want in regards this? What would the children want? You don’t simply get to decide you want to divorce and he leaves and you keep the house and children.

ultimately there’ll be stages. What happens short medium term then what happens long term re housing etc. will th r house be sold ?

do your research, educate yourself, see a solicitor if necessary but accept you will likely be sharing the same space while you resolve all this

Your story is exactly mine. I know deep down it makes little sense to stay together but I’m scared of being alone too. I’ve decided I’m going to start doing a lot of things by myself (most of which I probably do anyway) and ‘learn’ to understand a potentially different life. Main thing I need to do is build a better social circle to help with concerns about feeling alone.
I read a lot of relationship/divorce threads and the bit that always resonates with me is that there is the potential for a happier life vs the emotional torture we currently keep ourselves in

What makes you think that it would have such a huge impact on the kids? Divorce takes ages and it's not unusual to still live together whilst it's going through. It doesn't sound like it would make much difference to your experience from how it is now. The threat of wasting 10s of 1000s in the divorce courts is helping us to stay amicable.

I had a friend while I was at school and think her parents were at this stage. Her dad had pretty much checked out from family life anyway. They ended up divorcing a couple of years later and her mum found someone lovely. I think my friend wished her mum had left earlier.

You're only 38 and have plenty of time to grow your earnings. You should also look at trying to save money wherever you can if you aren't already doing so. And discuss financial affairs immediately so he doesn't have a chance to squirrel money away anywhere.

I’m currently living with my DH and interested in this post as things with my DH have also broken down, similar to what you state, we share little interests, don’t sleep same room and tbf I think we are only together due to being trapped in same house with the children.

I don’t feel my DH respects me anymore, and wants his own life outside our marriage. I’m not aware he has cheated or anything but I’ve been victim to his brothers emotional bullying aimed at me. DH tells him it’s wrong but then carries on with him like nothing has happened.

OP what area are you from? Only reason I ask is I only have a very small amount of people I can talk to and I agree, it’s lonely!

It’s also terrifying as I’ve never lived alone either and I have 5 children, 4 of which have SEN’s, so if I was to go it alone, not only do I have all the upset of us going through that but I will be a single mum carrying multiple children, alone.

Our children are 13, 11, 10, 8 and 7.

Meeting anyone else for me sounds impossible, and the thought of my current husband going out and living the single life, meeting other women, also breaks my heart cos basically I’ll be the one left holding the children.

DH’s parents split when he was a child and I don’t think he ever got over it, I’m not sure if this is why DH is reluctant for us to separate as he refuses to leave also.

I been with my husband for about 24yrs and married to him for 21yrs.

A couple of questions:

How do you feel about your current husband meeting someone else if you were to divorce?

Have you looked into any legal advice?

Do you hold much control with the finances or does DH deal with this? Like my DH does..

Is it possible you’ve both got into a rut which you may need a third party, such as a marriage counsellor to guide you out of?

I feel your pain, it’s a massively daunting prospect and there’s a lot of uncertainty, but maybe in the meantime if your serious you could start doing some digging to find out where you stand financially, a lot of solicitors offer free legal advice and it’s certainly something I’ve been considering, you don’t need your husband there with you to get advice..

Let me know if you want to talk more.
Sending best wishes