Help on accepting major changes after divorce

[Brentinger]

2.5 months into divorce here and looking for suggestions/help on how to accept the inevitable major quality of life changes : downsizing and potentially losing the family home, feeling lonely, major financial losses (big tax hits where I live and probably child support as the higher earner), how on earth to get to sleep at night and in general when this will all get better. I'm holding it all together on the outside for the kids and my job, but stressed and a bit depressed on the inside. I asked for the separation so knew this was coming but not quite this bad.

I feel like I am doing all of the right things but with the summer holidays almost over, back to school soon and still living under the same roof with no solution for the future, I'm really struggling.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sorry but are you mum or dad and do you mean you are the main breadwinner? I know it's all horrible at the moment, but having gone through the same (I left, had to pay for the husband and eventually all the kids came with me and he stayed in the marital home) all I can say, take it one day at the time, and it will get better 🙏

Hey OP. I'm sorry to hear this. You're in the trenches now. It most definitely does get better. I remember these feelings- the loneliness and sleeplessness especially. I met a wonderful man and remarried and had another child. i never looked back after my divorce albeit my ex never really moved on and continues to make co-parenting difficult... the loneliness eases and you find youerself with a new lease of life once the hard bits are over (eg moving out) i never reallt worried about the financial side as its only money... it was a struggle for a wee while but for me, so worth it. try not to worry. you will get through it. counselling helped me and lots of supportive friends around

Mum - the one who has always worked FT with good career, unlike STBX. Glad to hear you have a positive post divorce story. It feels so big and impossible right now!

how old are your DCs?

6 and 3

Are you having mediation to help you work out finances/ child arrangements? What are the options for being able to live separately? It must be incredibly hard to still be living under the same roof

Treat this as the price you have to pay. Look to the future. Many women on here will be able to tell of their peaceful lives rebuilding after divorce.
Yes it can be frustrating and galling to think how much more you have given and how you have been left holding the babies but count your blessings. You have your children and a good job. Imagine how much harder it would be facing your future without those two things.
I am in my 60s so know lots of women who have been through this. I have a friend who had probably the worst DH ever. Abuse, violence, drugs, gambling. She had a hard few years when her DC were small then things got better and better. She remarried at 50 and has a wonderful life. Other friends have gone it alone and are contented now.
So don’t let resentment poison your future. I wish you all the best.

I had some counselling when I was going through it. It helped give me clarity and focus on the way forward.

I think it's important to understand that however much you know you are doing the right thing, there is also grieving for the life you thought you were going to have. This doesn't mean however that your new life can't be better. It's just different and it takes a while to get your head around it. It gets easier as things drop into place.

other pp have summed it up well!! It’s really hard if ex-H is a arse, esp with children. It will be more than a decade until you’re largely free of him. But it’s totally worth it. I’m another who rebuilt a much happier life. I also found therapy very helpful.

Down sizing with young kids isn’t too bad. They don’t care and you can make it cosy and YOURS. Choose something near your support networks (if any), a good playground with space for ball games (really helpful if downsizing means no garden - it’s an easy way to keep little kids cheerful), a good school. Consider dropping to 0.8 fte for a bit if you’re struggling.

It does feel like that. But I promise you, you'll come out of this (no matter how long, for me it took ten years till my youngest turned 18 two years ago) and you will look back and go "How did I survive that??". And you will feel at peace and you'll KNOW that no matter what life will throw at you in the future, you will be able to deal with! Sending you lots of hugs, strength and belief in yourself - you absolutely CAN do this! 💪💪💪

Thanks for all of your lovely and positive responses. I've heard that the first year is always rough and gets better over time. Being in limbo is the hardest since we have not talked about living arrangements, custody of the kids or finances. Perhaps it's time to start getting that ball rolling rather than keep the peace at home.

I remember this all too well. It was about a year ago for me. I really struggled with guilt and periods of regret at asking for the separation. The sleeplessness and anxiety were awful.

The worst about my split and still is, is going from caring for my daughter 24/7 to having to let her go to her dads 50% of the time. This will always be hard and I’ve accepted that is ok for me to find it hard.

now it’s been a year I look back at being with me ex and I can’t believe I was ever with him, ever liked him, ever slept with him! I honestly don’t think of him at all any more. I don’t miss him, don’t wish he was around - nothing. You will get here too.

I don’t want to get married and have a new relationship and I’m so happy being on my own. It’s very liberating and I find myself really seeing all the small but brilliant things in life - I beautiful sunny day, silly things my daughter says, enjoying the whole of the wardrobe… I’m just really loving my life’s

my ex still is able to upset me easily and knows exactly which buttons to push - so I try and have as little to do with him as possible.

although your DC spend time away from you - this happens with all DCs. Just earlier if you divorce