Will I regret leaving?

[nonjeneregretterein]

Been with DH for 15 years. Married for 10. We have one DC aged just 6.

Bascially we have grown apart and I don’t think we’re making each other happy. I’m not happy, but I think DH would simply continue as his life is pretty comfortable. No major abuse issues, but we do have different views on money, housework, sharing the load etc which causes some tensions.

I stray from staying for ease and lack of upheaval for DC, and wanting to call it a day.

I think if I do call it quits, DH wouldn’t respond well. He has the potential to be difficult/cruel, especially when it comes to DC. This is what’s holding me back the most. I have to admit, I hate the idea of not being with DC everyday. I am by far the primary carer, but I think DH would fight me for his “entitlement” and would want 50/50. I worry about the impact on this on DC. Can’t bear the idea of them being thrown into more conflict.

I would like to Co-parent happily. Would still be happy to do Sunday lunches, odd day out etc. But I don’t think DH would. Perhaps I’m being unreasonable or unrealistic about this and unfair to him that he could just walk in to being friends.

I just wish I had a crystal ball to see how it all turns out. And whilst I think I would be perfectly happy on my own, will I regret it when I’m older etc.

Does anyone have some words of wisdom? Thank you.

Hopeful bump

Who knows... it depends if you think you will be happier on your own/with someone else.

The bad stuff:

• Divorce is messy and expensive
• You will have to run your house on 1 income not 2
• You will only have kids half the time
• Xmas and kids birthdays are rubbish (generally)
• No support/safety net
• Dating is a pain
• Financially worse for kids

The good stuff:

• Do what you want with house (decor)
• Free time with no kids to do hobbies
• Your own space
• Meet someone nicer

Call me negative but you probably wont split in great terms and wont be doing Sunday lunches and days out. It all depends how you are as a person - for me, while I hate (yes strong word) my ex, I do love the idea of the family dynamic - if I got ill or lost job I am not on my own. No being on own for part of Xmas, having kids around all the time.

I’m ten years later on than you. I didn’t leave - I wish I had as nothing got better - I thought if DS was older it would be better but I don’t think so.

Can you make life happy for yourself within that family framework?

If you can then I would stay.

Make time for things that are joyful for yourself. Assume DH does the same.
Divide chores more evenly and be content with how he does them.

It seems like you value security for your DC6.

Suggest to DH that you invest in a 2 bed flat. It could make living more separately easier later.

If you think splitting is inevitable, I think now is the time to do it. I’ve heard many stories of older kids taking it much worse.

That said, I think you should do everything you can to salvage it/make sure it is the right decision. Eg suggest counselling etc.

I split when mine were 3 and 5 and if it was going to happen, it was the best time to do so. They are totally unfazed by it (now at least, who knows when they get a bit older and get sick of splitting their time between two houses). But DH was the one to do it, which he did by blindsiding me and shacking up with his OW. I’ll never understand why he could be so cruel, and I’m always left wondering what life would have been like if we (he) just tried harder. Unfortunately we’re on terrible terms but we’ve tried to hide that from the kids.

Even with the best will in the world, chances are you’re not going to be on best terms with your ex but you need to set give yourself the best chance of achieving that by being as amicable/respectful as possible (if you do decide it’s inevitable).

I took the decision to leave when ds was 3, and found that ex demanded 50:50 for exactly one week. He soon discovered that caring for dc took all his free time, stopped hm playing golf/going to the pub, and never mentioned it again.

I found the relief of being free, no longer walking on eggshells, being able to parent calmly and consistently was absolutely the best thing for me and ds. I worked full time and bought us a home.

Yes, money was tight but the relief was overwhelming. Ex quickly found someone else to cook/clean for him and I had to deal with a year or two of her wanting to "play mummy" but that passed and we settled into co-parenting fairly amicably. DS benefited from a secure settled home for 15 of his 18 years of childhood. He has a good if fairly limited relationship with his dad. They talk about motor racing and occasionally have lunch together.