Emotionally abusive seperation

[Daisychain88]

In the process of a seperation. Been messy for 10 years of my married life. Started of with silent treatment for minor issues that could extend to months sometimes. Absolute mental torture. Id beg him to talk to me and he would watch me cry and still not talk to me. I would end up being blamed at the end for the sake of peace I'd say it was my fault. Was desperate for the connection.

I got fed up after I'd say 8 years if this and the silent treatment no longer bothered me, he used isolation by taking my kids out and excluding me on occasions he felt unhappy with me, he also has been physically intimidating on a few occasions but not actually hit me. These were for reasons such as me consoling my son because he was upset with his dad. He felt I had taken my sons side and then he got physically intimidating as a result.
I later learnt this falls under domestic violence and emotional abuse falls under it aswel. After 9 years I realised this stuff I was experiencing has a name. I had brain fog and couldnt think straight most the time which all relates to why I felt this way. Always on edge and walking on egg shells. Criticised everyday.
I stayed because he was also nice and did things that were meaningful but it would never last long enough and also because I always felt like everything was my fault by default because I'd been conditioned to think that.

My present situation is i am now separated. I distanced myself from his abuse and he got fed up 1 day he left the house without notice and sent me a message to say pack ur bags and leave the home. I have 2 kids by the way. So I told him I can't do that I will be picking up the kids as normal from school and keeping their routines protected. He has been at his parents for 3 weeks since that day and we split the kids on a 50/50 basis.

The abuse is still present and he is in full control of finances. The house is under both our names. But i was a SAHM since I had my 2nd child and unemployed. So fully dependent on him. He pays for the bills & mortgage.

He has recently asked me to leave the property so he can host a party at the home. I feel so uncomfortable leaving . He wants the house to himself for 8 hours with the kids and his guests. This has made me so uncomfortable.

Can anyone advice me please? What can I do?

What you do is:

1. Start divorce proceedings. You need to issue and make an application for a financial order so you know financially what your position may look like. You will need to understand the financial position including how much equity is in the house. Does he have savings? Do either of you have pensions?

1. Apply for benefits if you havent already. See if you are entitled to anything. You might be even if in the same house as him if you are living separately.

1. Think about your future not his. You will likely need to get a job to secure some income for yourself. Will you need childcare to manage this? Do you have any plans?

1. He cannot require you to leave the house, even just for a party. So feel free to say no to that. But you may want to discuss his long term plan for the house.

Good luck. It will get easier.

PP nailed it! Sorry it’s come to this but you’ll be happier once you’re properly separated.

Hi,

Yes it is time to get formal. Get proper legal advice. Do not leave the property, as he can maximise on that.

However do you have a 'safe space' within the home, your own room?

It is time to split, properly, and live under the same roof while you do it. The rules for this are -

• Take responsibility for avoiding contact with him. Do not speak to him, do not read what he sends you more than once, do not go over allegations that are rubbish. You need to protect yourself from someone who actively seeks to disarm and harm you.
• Get away from him - out of the room, in another room, living room in your bedroom, long baths, long walks etc.
• Let what he says go like water off a duck's back. He is hurtful and incorrect. Do not engage with it, as it is like smoking crack - it will hurt your insides.
• You're financially on your own now, so it is time to get a job. Can you start somewhere? I do care work, I really enjoy it and there is always plenty of work, it is massively flexible because they are always short and if you get into a nice place of work with a nice team, its super.

Your new life is just around the corner now. You will be away from this man soon.