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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Why can't I just leave him?

6 replies

Imnotyourwife · 28/07/2026 04:38

I am struggling. I know it has to happen, but I can't bring myself to pull the plug. We've been together for 10 years. We have two beautiful kids. He desperately wants a home that's not like the one he grew up in (son of divorced parents and kinda unstable). However, I don't think we're good for each other.

For his "basic" need, his sexual preferences/kinks don't match mine. He wants a woman who 1. Likes to be degraded and 2. Who likes pain. I tell him that something hurts, and he tries to tell me that I do. He spat in my face the other night, and when I got angry, he was like, I thought we were enjoying our kinks.

Beyond that, he's been my biggest bully. I've been called every name in the book, a bad mom, barely a person bc I'm too sensitive and skittish, unattractive, etc. All I've ever done is ruin things in his life, blah, blah, blah.

I keep pushing the goal post, you know? I've told myself the next time he says this, or this...or the next time he hits me (only did it once, never again). I've talked to him about things he's said and he either doesnt "remember" or that I demonized what he said.

It's worse that he's started yelling at me in front of my kids. Then, he tries love up on them, and they want nothing to do with him, and I dont think he understands why.

He goes on these yelling tirades about how I make him hate his life, and how terrible it is that he has to deal with me, and expects everything to be normal two hours later after he calms down.

Yesterday, he exploded BAD and was sweet as can be today. Its this weird back and forth thats confusing as shit.

My mom has told me to leave him. His own grandma has told me to leave him. I hate weekends bc it means all day with him. Why am I struggling so much to actually do it when I feel in my heart its whats right?

OP posts:
Bahhumbug67 · 28/07/2026 06:10

I'm so sorry to read this. You deserve better. Can you contact Women's Aid or a local domestic abuse charity?

You should not be hurt during sex. It's not acceptable for him to spit in your face. It's not acceptable for him to keep shouting at you and calling you names.

If he's being horrible and nice in a loop, it's difficult for your brain to handle. Google 'trauma bonding.'

He's emotionally abusing you I think. Can any family members help you to get out?

Bahhumbug67 · 28/07/2026 06:11

Sorry, I've read it again. It's unacceptable for him to hit you too. That's getting to police territory for me via a 101 log.

Bahhumbug67 · 28/07/2026 06:16

https://share.google/LIfHIKJyOeYlLMZVh

Link to the Women's Aid website. It will help you to ID the abuse and patterns and you can reach out for support. Please take care. Xx

CoalTit · 28/07/2026 06:22

I think the answer to the question in the title is trauma bonding.
Oh, I see a PP already said that. Well, if you search "trauma bonding" in YouTube you get loads of people talking about it. There's a You Tuber called Lisa Sonni who might be helpful. She talks about what happens after you leave, because you don't magically recover from the damage he's doing to you.
He spat in your face and he hit you? He's really ground you down, hasn't he.

MarthaLovesLaughing · 28/07/2026 06:28

You ask the question "you know?"

No

I don't know

Never would I allow a person to treat me this badly and never would I allow my children to be involved

Get out. Just do it. Today

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 28/07/2026 06:40

You are being physically and emotionally abused.
Fear is a powerful driver.
Many people fear change... its uncomfortable in general.
Separately I do think you may be trauma bonded.

You need to leave- you arent even staying for the kids at this point. Even they think hes awful based on your post

One tactic I have which I will share in case its helpful is what I call Nike: just do it.
You basically just need to be 10 seconds or so where you are feeling brave and take a quick action.
Eg

  • click enquire on an EA house sale quote request form.
  • reply and set up a time
  • phone 101 and say hi - my husband hurts me. Go from there and log the abuse
  • research divorce lawyers and when you feel brave psych yourself up and click enquire.
  • when you feel brave phone women aid psych yourself up and just dial and say hi....
-enquire about therapy
  • tell a friend what's happening

These are "spring board" actions and you need to find a moment to start and then just carry on then after you think eeeek wtf have I done but youve started it and so it goes on

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