What happens to the paid-off marital home if we divorce?

[WhatCanIDoHere]

I'd like to know what happens to the marital home in this situation if you divorce.

Jointly owned, both our names on the deeds. Mortgage is fully paid off. DH works; I haven't worked since having children and am 24/7 carer for 2 ND teens (both under 18). Both receive DLA and I get Carers Allowance. I have no money in my own right other than Carers Allowance; everything else is jointly owned. I have a few years of pension contributions from a previous job, but we've been working on the basis that I would benefit from DH's (generous) one, which I would get a large % of if he died.

If we were to divorce, would we have to sell the home to split the value of it between us?

DC would really struggle to cope with another home. They have some quite specific needs and this house meets them all. It's very unlikely I could find another house which meets the same criteria. We couldn't rent since one teen has violent & challenging behaviour which includes property damage. (Yes, we are having help for this and it is gradually improving but it is not likely to completely stop any time very soon.) It would be impossible to buy a house around here with 50% of the money from the sale of this one. We don't want to move away from the area due to friends etc for the DC.

I have no idea how splitting marital assets works in a situation like this.

@WhatCanIDoHere so does dh not believe in the condition?
is it something there is clear nhs diagnostic input for?

I am very sorry for you indeed. It sounds like your children are severely disabled and that you alone have and do bear the burden of this alone. Sadly the statistics for men being unable to cope with severely disabled offspring and abandoning their care to the mother are shocking. Such men can and do have a life outside the home whereas the mother very often bears the lifetime responsibility and care of the kids with no or few days off and no prospects of personal financial security.

You need legal advice and very specialist legal advice at that. Your situation is unusual but not unique. You need to find a lawyer who specialises in complicated situations like this. You have no earning capacity possibly ever and your husband should have been contributing to a pension in your name too.

You should think about what evidence you need to prove your case - medical diagnoses, police involvement, neighbour complaints, school exclusions. Evidence of future prospects or lack of them for your children. Is there generally available info from the support group you mention; guidelines for treatment of the condition etc.? Pull it all together.

Statement of what daily/ weekly life with your kids entails. All that you do and are responsible for.

Pull financial info together too - all assets pensions, savings info. Monthly costs of running the family etc.

Best of luck. And don’t be disheartened by postings here that show a poor or cynical understanding of severe disability and ignorance of the law. You need a specialist family lawyer - even a generalist won’t be any good. It’s a false economy not to do this. Maybe ask for recommendations from the support group discreetly/ under new name. Such a specialist may also be able to help you negotiate with the authorities for more support.

OP apologies in advance but finding it hard to fully sympathise with your position. You have been vague about what conditions your DC suffer from and seem tone deaf to the working single parents juggling special needs DC and who have no choice but to also undertake paid work.

Not to mention the many parents with their own health issues who also have to drag themselves in everyday. You’ve been extremely fortunate in one respect being able to be a main carer for your DC that’s fully provided for without that added pressure and the logistical nightmare of undertaking dual roles.

Things however can and do change. You seem to want the house and pension. What prey tell does your husband get? The way you narrate, seems not much. That’s not fair or reasonable and whilst starting point is 50-50 and you whilst you may have case for 60-40 or other split, the only needs you seem to really articulate or care about (and know I’ll get likely pile on) seem to be your own from a hammock point of view.

Buy a bungalow then! That’s an impossible way to live. Do your DC go to school?

@Soontobe60 ? No. Of course they don’t. They just control everyone.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn DH believes in the condition (he was fully involved in the assessment process) but his family don't. The assessment was done privately, but in accordance with NICE guidelines and by an organisation that the NHS commissioned to provide training on this condition to those who were going through NHS assessment ie very reputable. My child's diagnosis has been accepted by both NHS & social care practitioners. DH's family, though, would swear that black was white if it gave them a way to get at me. DH knows the theory of how to handle the condition but can't/won't do it in practice.

@RedRock41 you are right, I have been deliberately cagey about the DC's conditions because a couple of them would be immediately outing. I have at least one family member who uses MN who might search for it, and I wouldn't want them to know.

It's sadly very common for parents of children with this condition to have to give up work in order to care for their child, even when they're a single parent (lots of them are), which usually means living in poverty on benefits. The unusual thing in our situation is that I was already a SAHM so I didn't have a job to give up, and that DH has been able to provide financially for us. I currently spend ~135 hours a week on caregiving and running the home (though I have very low standards so I don't do much of the latter!). It would be very difficult to add a job on top of that as things currently stand, and my workload would obviously increase if DH and I separated.

NC as outing but I got 70% with severely disabled child as judge decided dc needed stay in house & I could get mortgage for lump sum.

I have read of a court case where the mum got 100% house as the dad of disabled child moved abroad and paid / did nothing and mum was on benefits only.

Future contribution and dependency can shift the dial and usual ‘rules’ may not apply. 50:50 and 60:40 is pretty common when parenting is expected to end at age 18 it doesn’t really take into account where one parent is a full time carer longer term and cannot rebuild by taking on more employment etc

Legally you cannot make him help with dc or live locally. He can make you allow contact but you can’t force him to have any if he doesn’t want to. So don’t assume you can rely on him for future help.

Social care are more supportive of single parents as they know you are all that is between the child and expensive residential care so you may get respite hours. Social workers are very used to dads walking away from disabled dc when parents separate.

Do look up specialist solicitors or direct access barristers in this area. Don’t take advice from non specialists everyone around me told me I had no chance of getting what I did. Get all the financial info together before getting advice as otherwise it will just be generic advice not specific.

Do use a benefits and CM calculator to see what you would get as a single parent
some mortgage companies will consider benefit income and CM. You need to know if you could raise a lump sum.

It can make sense to delay the financial side until a pattern of care has emerged as ex’s often promise to do their share of disabled childcare but then don’t follow through. This can build evidence that housing needs may not be equal.

While not without drawbacks shared ownership properties where the rent portion is paid from carers and UC may be an option for you. This may be better than giving up a share of the pension for house equity especially if you aren’t going to be able to downsize in future.

Dont underestimate the expenses and maintenance of a big house especially if its an older house.

Once dc get benefits themselves a lot of this can get taken by adult social care & parent carers often see a big financial drop at 18-20. So financially you need to work through different scenarios throughout your lifetime not just base it on what you will get now.

You will need to evidence your dc needs and future dependency on you eg any reports or social care assessments can be useful.

No, they've never been to school so far. One DC has a place for next year, which I'm fairly hopeful will work out. The other DC is, I suspect, unlikely ever to cope with a school or similar institution. The majority of children with their condition are unable to access school-based education.

@Portabello2000 thank you, that is really helpful.

Most responses are predictably ignorant of both the law and the reality of parenting children with significant needs; thank goodness you've had a couple of well-informed and helpful replies. Please heed their advice and consult a specialist solicitor.

It sounds as if your DH's family are a big part of the problem, and if he would be willing to put better boundaries in place with them, i wonder if things would be slightly easier? I hear you, though, about the fact that he just can't parent DC in the way they need to be parented (we have a similar but less extreme dynamic) and I don't think there is a proper fix for that - it's so corrosive in a relationship when you can't coparent effectively (and I suspect that's why so many parents of disabled kids break up ) I do know a family with 3 ND teens in which the parents still live in the family home but they are separated, have separate bedrooms and are essentially housemates and coparents, they do some stuff together with the kids but lots separately as well.

I feel for you and I hope you have supportive people to talk to in real life as well as online

It could be DH would like to escape and letting go of the house is a price he thinks worth paying? Or his family do?

It is an argument to say both parents have future responsibilities to disabled children and one will meet that by care and the other by working / funding a new mortgage.
its no different role split than what often happens when people are married.
Future contribution is on the list of things judges are supposed to consider