Husband not looking for somewhere to live after I asked to separate

[MillyHilly99]

I told my husband a month ago I wanted us to separate. A long story, but years of financial and emotional abuse and then discovering his addiction to pornography. He didn't put up a fight or say anything other than "So you want me to leave?" I said yes easier he leaves the house than me and the kids (mortgaged house). However he's making no effort to look for anywhere to live AT ALL. Flats are few and far between so he needs to act quickly. I told him about a great flat that came up, but he's not bothered to go find out about it. Wat can I do? I'm looking for a house for me and my daughters but there is really nothing available. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Honestly? I think if YOU have asked to separate, you should be the one looking for somewhere else. I did.

You will have to file for divorce asap if he won’t move out voluntarily.

All you can do is make decisions for yourself, look for somewhere else to live and you move out instead. It’s his home, you can’t force him out if he doesn’t want to go.

I’m not sure why you think he’d be keen to leave the home you both own? It’s a faff, it’s expensive, it’s disruptive, he probably doesn’t want to see less of the children. File for divorce, agree to sell the house, manage as well as you can for now.

Why should he?

I wouldn’t leave.
you’ll need to file for divorce and follow due process of financial settlement

are you expecting him to pay the mortgage while you live there ?

A lawyer will tell him to stay put. Really, why should he leave?

"So you want me to leave" after being told you want a separation. Doesn't mean he has agreed to leave. Why should he leave his home and kids because you have the ick?

No either he left or me and the kids and then the house would go up for sale. We agreed it would be easier for him to find somewhere, but it seems he doesn't want too. I'm looking for somewhere but houses are few and far between. As I said he is financially abusive and it's me who pays all the bills including mortgage

You can still put the house up for sale while you’re both in it. See a lawyer and get the ball rolling on the divorce. He may not leave; I wouldn’t bank on it. Neither would I waste more money on renting.

You can't make him leave so either you leave or you continue to live together and start divorce proceedings. Many separated couples can't afford to live separately until all finances are settled.

Put the house up for sale now, it takes time to sell, and may light a fire under him.
Either way, you'll need the money from ths house for your next one

Yes he said he was going to leave and allow me to sell the house . I got my hopes up I guess thinking my children could get free of his relentless bullying and abuse. My youngest is scared. He doesn't pay anything towards the house. I work full time and have to leave my children at home with him and it makes me sick every day. He punched a hole in the door a few weeks ago because my daughter asked him for a blind for her bedroom. I don't know what you mean he gives me the ick (English was not my first language growing up). But we are scared of him if that's what you mean. I think you're right though. It's his house too even though I bought it. I should never have put his name on

You mean I shouldn't waste money or renting? If I don't we could be here for many years. I can pay rent and the mortgage perhaps

OP if you have money for rent and mortgage see a solicitor and consider getting an order to get him out of the house. Please be careful how you go about it though if he can be violent. I think selling could be a lot more difficult if you leave him in the house and completely unfair if you are paying for everything.

He agreed to move out. It was my house. I have paid all the bills and the mortgage but he convinced me to add his name . My children are scared of him.he won't pay the mortgage if I move out. But I think my neighbour is selling a caravan and that's the solution then. Or maybe if I try I can pay mortgage and rent . Thank you. Everyone says he should stay and me and my children should leave. I guess we saw it the wrong way. I just want my children protected

Have you instructed a solicitor, @MillyHilly99? That is the first thing you need to do. They will help you clarify all the legal aspects of your separation and divorce.

It is important that in your meetings with them you include all the details you have given here. Be sure to take all paperwork relating to finances and mortgage.

I amm sorry about your situation. Get professional advice a solicitor or Women's Aid asap.

Issue is I can't allow my children to continue with the abuse. Also there is no profit in the house. As others have said I should move out with my children not him . I know of a caravan I could maybe buy and that's the solution then. He watches porn in front of my daughters. I can't do this anymore

This is the only kind comment I've seen here thank you, I contacted the equivalent of women's aid in my area and the woman who rang me knew my husband. We live in a very small rural place . I feel like I've been trapped here for so long. I've been trying to leave for years. I'll figure this out thank you

Don’t leave the house until you’ve spoken to a lawyer. Unless you are scared for your safety of course.

If he is the kids’ main carer then will he want to be resident parent ie have them most of the time?

He said he would leave

The watching porn in front of your daughters is child abuse ans illegal. Contact social services. I would also speak to women’s aid ans the police. He sounds as if he has the capacity to escalate his violence (re punching holes in doors). Your children are being abused and are scared. Yes, you need a solicitor, but you also need to have him removed for the safety of your children and you.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but when it comes to divorce it's important to remember.

That what someone says they will do and what they actually do, are often 2 very different things.

I have been in contact with the equivalent of women's aid. I have documented every abusive thing he's done for the last few years. When the UK had a very cold spell a few years ago it was -5 degrees and he made us stand outside as punishment. I've tried to leave for so long. My children and I will go to a caravan as everyone says it should be me to leave not him. That's the only thing I can do.

OP I have massive sympathy for this but it seems like you’re viewing the decision of divorce as the end- but it’s not I’m afraid, it’s near the end, but not the end.

have you registered the divorce? It takes 20 minutes online, you only need a copy of your marriage certificate. This kicks off a 16 week cooling off period, you can use this to put the house on the market and agree a financial settlement.

you’ve lived with him for this long, another 6 months feels like forever but it isn’t. You are highly unlikely to be able to get him out of the marital home prior to the payment of financial agreement, and women’s aid etc can’t help with this.

how does he watch porn in front of your children, can you explain? not turning it off when they are present or forcing them to watch with him?