Husband not looking for somewhere to live after I asked to separate

[MillyHilly99]

I told my husband a month ago I wanted us to separate. A long story, but years of financial and emotional abuse and then discovering his addiction to pornography. He didn't put up a fight or say anything other than "So you want me to leave?" I said yes easier he leaves the house than me and the kids (mortgaged house). However he's making no effort to look for anywhere to live AT ALL. Flats are few and far between so he needs to act quickly. I told him about a great flat that came up, but he's not bothered to go find out about it. Wat can I do? I'm looking for a house for me and my daughters but there is really nothing available. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

You say that’s the only thing you can do but have you started the divorce?

So

the house is a marital
asset regardless of who’s name is on it, legally he has as much right to remain as you do.

if you are the higher earner he could be awarded higher share of any assets which include also savings, pensions etc if there are any.

if he’s violent and you have evidence of abuse yi may be able to get an occupation order but the bar for this is ( rightly) high,

see a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Any solicitor will tell him to stay put

Agree with this. Contact the police about being scared and him being violent (punching the door). Contact social services about the watching porn in front of DC. Presumably the kids will back you up.

The thing is you then need to work very fast to get a protection order or similar (police and social services will advise) so he can't come back. He will likely try and it will be very hard if he's as abusive and violent as you describe.

By doing all the above you will start to have a record of his behaviour which you can use in the future to protect you itself from him in child custody battle etc.

If there is no equity in the house then that might be a good thing for you as you may not have to sell to buy him out and you can stay there.

@MillyHilly99 you have not responded to my question.

Have you instructed a solicitor?

That is the first step you must take.

Doesn't make them watch. Just carries on watching it in front of the children. I have daughters. Everyone says I should leave...not him. So I guess that's what I'll do. This is the end now

I don't know how to do that. It doesn't matter now you know. I shouldn't have posted here. I never learn

If by protection order you mean occupation order (the only thing that can keep him out of the house) a friend has just spent £18k on one that wasn’t granted despite documented abuse. The bar is very high, and it’s very expensive

Get some legal advice. Since he is dangerous I think it might be worth exploring with women’s aid/solicitor a non molestation order and alternative childcare. As a single parent you may find you are eligible for more childcare support with UC.

You can Google it. You just fill out forms. Getting divorced does mean you have to take action, you can’t just say it and it happens.

you seem quite…. Passive aggressive? That won’t help you. You are the only person who can do this. You are getting the advice you asked for, you will come away from this thread x100 more knowledgeable than you were before. Knowledge is power, not something to dismiss as you being bullied by mumsnet.

Please do what @Luckydog7 and I have said. It’s the only safe way forward for you and your children. Selling the house and divorce are important - later. But, for now it’s safety without your husband in the house that should be your priority. Social Services and the Police are the people to contact.

@MillyHilly99 people are giving you advice and you’re not listening. You’re so focused on the house situation. Yes you can’t make him leave right now, but people are giving you advice to reach that end goal. Stop feeling sorry for yourself as your kids need you :
• contact a solicitor
• Google how to file for divorce and do it
• Contact social services

Why are you not involving other agencies? Domestic abuse organisations have very strict guidelines about confidentiality. VERY strict. They will not tell your husband.
Children’s social workers will also help you.
If things are as bad as you say, they can help you. None of us here can help you to get him to leave. THEY CAN.
I think your reluctance to get support is going to make it a very hard and long process. How is he going to be able to rent with no income?

I would speak to a lawyer and come up with a plan. Don’t leave without speaking to a lawyer first. Explain about his anger issues, the children are afraid of him and abuse - that may mean they advise you to leave and it may not disadvantage you later. It might be he’s had legal advice not to leave, but I suspect it’s more like he will lose control over all of you if he does. Any thoughts on what you want to do about custody? Good luck xx

In which case he’s not going to be particularly motivated to put in a load of effort and start picking up the tab for all his own living costs. He’d rather sit comfortably where he is and string you along that he’s intending to move out. He’s not. He sounds like a truly terrible man and it’s unlikely that he’s suddenly going to start behaving reasonably just because you’ve asked him to.

So sorry you’re in this situation, OP, but you and your children need to get away from him, and the only way to achieve that is to make it happen yourself - even if that means temporary accommodation or a caravan, like you say. You’ll be able to think and plan so much more clearly once you’re out of his orbit and can breathe freely without all the stress and pressure of living in an abusive situation 💐

Yes people are giving her advice but some of it is wrong (not yours).

She is a victim of abuse. And English isn’t her first language so her responses may be being misconstrued.

Leaving is the way to get out quickly. You have a good income thank God so it is doable. Legally you can sell the house without his consent but it will be hard and take time. I suggest talking through your options with Citizens Advice.

Milly stop! You are only hearing one side of the advice you are getting. From your first post, people didn’t know the full situation.

People here will help you, and they are advising that there are things you can do as part of getting him out of your house.
Starting the divorce is one- google the process online for your country.
Tracking the abuse is another.
Getting advice on how to proceed from a domestic abuse charity would be good- they’ll help you get organised.

Assume he isn’t going to do the sensible thing, because he’s an abusive jerk. That doesn’t mean you leave. It means you have to work hard to organise him out. The law will be different according to where you live.

The only problem with posting here is that your whole story isn’t in your first post. So the “mean girls” will jump on you, and make out that everything is your fault.

You need professional help. See a solicitor, and start divorce proceedings.

There are other forums specifically about divorcing that aren’t as toxic as Mumsnet where you’ll get advice and won’t be attacked.

If you can post on here you can Google search divorce process

you can submit online. Or see a divorce solicitor
or speak to women’s aid who will point you in the right direction
and seek advice on occupation order

all things you can do rather than be petulant and simply say oh well ill move out than and shit down !

For the third time:

@MillyHilly99 YOU MUST MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A SOLICITOR.

No more like a non molestation order. I would hope that the police would tell him to stay away and he would do that but depends on evidence.

Woman's aid is a good shout too.

Non molestation order won’t get him out of the family home.

@abitbloodybrighteroverthere i don’t think it is that urgent she sees a solicitor- divorces aren’t legally complicated. Her time and money would initially be better spent on gov.uk applying for the divorce

Phone SS and the police they will remove him if he's violent around the children for their safety

She can start the divorce online, no need to waste money on a solicitor.

I think it’s vital.

The OP has no understanding of the legal processes underpinning separation and divorce in the UK.

She is communicating - and probably acting - purely on emotion, frustration and anger, and is in danger of taking steps that will not be beneficial to her or her children. Seeing a solicitor will take the emotion out of the situation and help her to focus on the necessary legal steps - without moving into a caravan …