Do men just give up on their children

[HollyIvy89]

Ex is re married and having baby with new partner. Unplanned. Both older than most to start again.
He has said to our child I’ll never take you to a competition again for their sport now I’m having a new child. Do men just generally just give up that easily on their ‘original’ kids? Is it that easy for them to ‘move on’ and relinquish responsibilities to do with their other children?

In my own experience, yes, both my own father, several step fathers and now the father of my own children. Not a good one amongst them.

He simply cannot cope feels entitled not to balance going to work and being a parent and all that entails because drudge work is for the second class women.

Fixed it.

I can think of a few, including my own dad who would get a new girlfriend every few months and focus on her kids, until the new gf would realise what a shit he was and he'd all of a sudden expect to us to go back to business and usual. One christmas we didn't get a card let alone a present from him. His new girlfriends kids got quad bikes, watches etc.

A family member had 2 kids with a man in and out of prison when they were babies. He got quite a long stretch when so the kids spent their formative years without him. When he came out, and the kids were in their teens, he immediately got a new woman, she got pregnant and the OG kids never saw their dad until baby was born and he then expected them to play older siblings in happy families with a father they didn't know, a women they never met. It didn't end well.

It's quite common, as most of us know at least one man who doesn't see his kids as his own choosing.

They don't usually tell the kids they can't be arsed though.

As a generalisation, yes. They often see children as an extension of the mother so when they lose interest in her, they lose interest in them. Even ones who seem like stand-up family men before the divorce.

My own dad was wonderful, very kind, massively supportive,funny, talented believed in me and was always on my side but then my parents stayed together of course and it was a team effort.

This is why it was such a shock to me that my ex could just walk away and abandon the kids. It’s a massive personality fault and incredibly harmful. And then, as I said, the married friends or those who have not encountered this behaviour almost see it as a failing of mine! I’ve not failed. I’ve worked doubly hard for those kids and I’d never, ever, abandon them.

Yes, it’s a crazy world when the mothers are blamed because in 99% of cases the mother sticks around. People have talked down to me about a “broken home” or saying things like “I don’t know why your marriage broke up but that’s your business”… It wasn’t anything I did!! My home isn’t broken, it’s still here and I bought him out, the only thing broken is the mind of a man who can cut off his children as if they are nothing.

me and my dad dont have a relationship, and unfortunately my teenaged daughters do not have a relationship with their dad. Both situations are caused by Laziness from the men's side only. No other contributing factors.
When I was married my husband was disinterested in our children. When he had days off work instead of us all going out together, I would take them out on my own while he rested at home lying in bed. After being out all day we would come home and Nothing was done, id have to start cooking..
I did explain to him once that if hes resting at home while im taking them out he could at least make some food so they can eat when they get home but no, was too much for him.
So yes we are divorced and in the 5 yrs we have been divorced he has seen them once a year for about half hour each time. At the start I kept asking him when he will spend time with them but as he kept making different excuses, one being be was too tired, ill or just wanted to rest) after a while I took the hint and stopped asking him, which resulted in him contacting them to see them once a year.
Men are not the same as Women, about the children.

My father is a classic example

He met and married my mother (they should never have met let alone married but that's another story)

They (read 'she') where desperate for children and lost 3 babies before having me and then my brothers (after trying for almost 8 years of marriage)

He was very hard working and a big man child who thought that my mother should look after him as well as us (and was most put out that he slid down the list of priorities once we came along-by god,where we blamed for that)

If he was left on his own with us,he would panic,flap,shout, blank us and claim he didnt know what he was meant to do with us (even making sandwiches was beyond him)

This set up suited my narcissistic mother who wanted to show the world (as it was good for her image) that she could do everything and revel in the 'I dont know how you do it!' from other mothers (she did the barest of the bare minimum)

If they had broken up,he would have seen us for a few hours every other weekend as hes scared of my mother-her word is law

If im being honest,given a fraction of a chance,he would have paid for us but not bothered to actually put the effort in-we wouldn't have seen him again

I went nc with the pair of them (due to her narcissism and his weakness) and I tried to make contact with him (as hes still my father) and was told to 'fuck off,i hate you and hope you die,i want nothing more to do with you'-his actual words (I was an adult at the time)

Im told that due to the 3 babies they lost,there was a higher than average chance I would have been born disabled

This would have pleased my mother as she would have given off the 'I've given up my life for her and im coping so well on minimum support' image

(its hard to explain but image is everything to a narc and she would have neglected me but put on a good show for anyone who looked at her,having a disabled child would have been a real stage show for her but no thought to my needs)

My father would have fucked off to the far side of fuck and just sent money (ill give him that,he would have paid and he would have been generous, she would have got the house and a lot of money on top)

I'd be amazed if he'd admitted to having a child if that had happened-he would have denied it to his dying day and found another mother figure for his needs and wants

As it is,they are still together (52 years) and he resents the hell out of his sons,grandchildren and great grandchild

They get in the way of his wants and needs

It's a very toxic set up

I think it can be a mix, despite being a hands on dad when we were together my ex barely sees the kids now, tried every trick under the sun to get out of paying for them and generally just messes with their time (saying he’ll have then then last minute not) I feel just to mess me up. He can’t seem to separate the kids from me and also not helped by the woman he had an affair with and left me for being a complete psycho, calling me, my new partner and generally interfering and making things harder.

my new partner however saw his kids every week, turned up whenever she told him to, pays a ridiculous amount to her (she doesn’t work they have multiple holidays and everything they ask for which I’m not moaning about but they do not go without at all) now because he cannot keep up with mums lifestyle the kids refuse to see him unless we are out doing something everytime, contact is dwindling, despite trying to talk to mum and kids he’s being ignored and it’s really upsetting to see. Mum basically is cutting him out, my partners mistake was not going to court to get contact finalised and now the kids are teens it’s pointless.

we also have family that have the kids every week, pay, help mum out when she asks and everyone kind of just gets along with it.

I think a lot depends on the reactions of the parents, the reason it ended if they can get on, future partners influence and pride a lot of the time!

I used to work in Family Law and this was very common IME too.

I was watching a film a couple of weeks ago and the father was bemoaning that it was sometimes hard to see his kid. He said 'Maybe Ill just sit this kid out. Start again with another one in a few years and he can come find me if he wants at 18'. (This is not verbatim, but the 'sit this kid out' bit was. I kept waiting for the person he was speaking to to get stuck in and say WTF are you thinking? But they didn't, just seemed to accept it as a normal thing to say. Sure, it's a film, but even so.

In all my years I have only known 2 women who get divorced and essentially abandon their kids.

An old ex boyfriend of mine from uni told me in the course of casual conversation that obviously a man was only interested in his kids if he was still with their mother. He said this like it was obvious, and common knowledge. (We split shortly after; I often wonder whether his wife who had 4 kids with him knows he thinks this way)

I think a lot of men think of their own children kind of like much younger siblings: that they’re all looked after by the woman of the house, but he has a privileged position in that she also provides him sexual services and access to half her earnings. The kids are cute little housemates he feels fond of.

But when he no longer has access to the sex, housekeeping & shared resources, there’s not much in it for him to see the cute little siblings anymore so he moves on.

I always said a lot of men see their children as their wife's hobby. Therefore when the marriage ends he no longer needs to contribute to her hobby, you wouldn't keep giving your ex a lift to her tennis lessons or cheer for her at marathons would you, so why support the hobby of her children any longer. But I like your analogy of younger siblings as well. The way I've had men talk to me about their children or the things my husband has told me about what's been said to him definitely fit in well with it.

yeah, for me the analogy is like an uncle. A lot of men post divorce become like kindly uncles. seems a low bar to me, but what do I know.

No, for me having my kids 50/50 was a non negotiable. Having them 100% would have been my unrealistic ideal (I would have loved the idea of my ex running off without a care).

Not that I want any more kids, but IF I did have another that child would be the same priority as my other kids. Different ways obviously and one is over 18 now but I would never, ever give up on my kids or want them out of my life.

I am already upset and worried about eldest going travelling for 6m + next year to Asia. Obviously it would be great for him but I can see myself annoying him by popping out to see him mid break!

Jesus. Deadbeat dads with zero self awareness - what a catch! 🙄

Surpringly large number do - then often go on to be great step dad or dad to next child with new woman - though if the relationship with new woman breaks down tends to be same pattern.

Others men move heaven and earth to stay in their kids lives.

I do wonder though when it's happened a few times with women why next woman thinks they'll be different.

What baffles is me is, as the above poster has said, not only that some women will go out with these men but that they will have children with him! I've seen a few stories in the news and social media about a man with 10 kids by 9 women and I'm just baffled by the second woman but wtf is number 9 thinking! There's men out there with more kids by more women than that as well!

'What baffles is me is, as the above poster has said, not only that some women will go out with these men but that they will have children with him!'

I guess it's because they believe whatever cock and bull story he's told them about how bonkers his ex is, and never lets him see the kids and blahblahblah. And she thinks she's different and she will rescue him and help him feel understood and they'll play happy families and blahblahblah. Very tedious all round 🙄

The reflections about some men seeing the kids as either their wife's hobby, or their much younger siblings, are really interesting. God, do these men EVER turn into responsible adults?!

If a man told me he had 9 crazy exes I'd think he was doing something to make them crazy or dating exclusively at secure facilities! I think you're right about 'changing him', it's a common trope isn't it in romantic fiction etc.

I agree with this.

And as for the showing up once a week etc, no-one has any idea how much this hurts the child. I missed my dad so much, didn't understand why I barely saw him anymore and then he continued to see us less and less. We adored him so much before.

But we weren't allowed to be sad, no-one tolerated us being upset about it.

I agree with this pretty much

men are generally interested in kids of the woman they are fucking
not all men of course - but enough to make it obvious this is true when you look at things

A lot of them seem to yes. Like they often seem to suddenly give up on their wife. Sometimes they just bugger off never to be seen again or don't bother to see their old kids. That's 'better' than the ones who demand 50/50 so they don't need to pay CM, but they clearly give no fucks about their children.

Ex DH’s dad left when he and his sibling were 13 and 11 to set up with AP and her two DC. My wonderful MIL would always say how shocked she was that he didn’t want to bother with them one he’d left as he’d been a great Dad.
He reconciled with Ex H when our three DC were small and his new wife had died and seemed to be regretful and interested in his ‘legacy’. But then he died shortly afterwards and we got to sit through a funeral with his ‘grandchildren’ sobbing and telling stories about how he was the best and most perfect granddad ever. 😑 . H was treated with suspicion and we could tell they thought he was after his Dad’s assets.
Oh and he left all his estate of £2m+ to new wife’s family. Nothing for exH and his sibling. Her DC were in his life and in front of him so they were his focus.

Reluctant to make such broad generalizations, but in my own experience many dads tend to be less invested in their children, less likely to make them a priority, and less likely to forsake their needs/preferences/desires compared to most mums. Whether they are with or separated from the mothers.

I would say an awful lot do whether by choice or by their ex being awkward. My cousin had one child by first marriage and two with his second. The first child was totally neglected by him. His new children did everything and the older one left out all the time. Was heartbreaking to see.