Do men just give up on their children

[HollyIvy89]

Ex is re married and having baby with new partner. Unplanned. Both older than most to start again.
He has said to our child I’ll never take you to a competition again for their sport now I’m having a new child. Do men just generally just give up that easily on their ‘original’ kids? Is it that easy for them to ‘move on’ and relinquish responsibilities to do with their other children?

I get this. My exH doesn’t have much to do with our two, but my DH loves the bones of them. He treats them as his own and they love him too, but they want the crumbs they get from Dad.

I think that more men than we want to think only present as caring about children when they are with the mother of those children, whether or not they are the father.

They perform the role of the father in order to benefit from the relationship with the mother.

That's why they can so easily walk away. Their attachment to the children does not exist independent of the relationship with the woman.

DP was subject to parental alienation in regards to his now adult son (son is mid 20s and there split was when he was a baby, so a different time with regards to expectations in the court system). He fought it via the family courts as long as he could, and is still cut up about it now.

Via his hobby he is friends with a similar aged young man who is going through a tough time with his shitty family at the moment, and he definitely 'Dads' this lad, it is a running joke.

So not all men, but definitely some.

Do you know the worst thing about that? She's one of the lucky ones, because he does pay some maintenance. Have you seen the outstanding child maintenance bill in England alone? Absolutely disgusting.

I was reading something elsewhere yesterday where someone was showing their 'award' letter from CMS, she gets £1.12 a week for their child. It won't even keep the kid in juice.

I spent 40k in four years in court, defending ex application for 100% care. He was abusive to us all and continued during contact. He played the alienation, woe is me, sympathy card for years. He stopped bothering with DD as soon as court ended and he stopped bothering with DS when he was furloughed during Covid (and that was his actual reason). I regularly try to make arrangements as per the court order but he’s usually got random excuses “tired” “phonecalls to make” “looking for a new job” and sees him now and again for a day. He pays £6 cms.

My ex did, hasn’t been involved for about 12 years. On the surface saw them every other weekend and two weeks of the holidays. In reality that was for only one night, didn’t do any homework with them, no washing, no swimming lessons and holidays were always spent fright with constant texts from him or wanting to bring back early. He wouldn’t even take one to an emergency dentist one weekend preferred to wait till I was back from a night away and left her sitting in pain. Sat like he’d sacrificed his life and was the only parent on graduation day though!!!
his younger daughter has a very dad that seems to do everything with him.

my dh is totally different and was involved every day with his daughter despite the push back from her mum. I wouldn’t be with him otherwise

Yes, unfortunately. For some men raising a child is a chore , not a priority. Men usually more self centred than women, will chose convenience over commitment.

My ex is currently doing this to one of our DC, they stopped speaking to him when the affair came out and apparently "it makes him uncomfortable and sad" when they don't respond to his texts. So he is now down to about 1 text a month, never about them or asking about their life, just 2 sentences saying hes fine. The other DC has continued to speak to him and gets lavish gifts and taken to gigs. Ex is completely blind to the damage he is causing and I'm "bitter and mean" when I brought it up.

I've seen bad mums and bad dads some give up while living under the same roof just totally neglectful and disinterested. Mums are socially pressured and biologically more driven to look after their children but both can be neglectful and emotionally distant.

My DH dad stopped seeing him one he turned 5 years old. MIL always told him if he didn’t turn up to an arranged visit, then not to bother again and this is what happened, DH still remembers to this day waiting for him. This was in the days long before child maintenance and he never paid a penny towards his upkeep. He then went on to marry and have several more DC and lived his whole life in the same area. DH has siblings that probably don’t know he exists.

My ExH stopped bothering.

although to be fair one of them has autism and adhd and he couldn’t cope with her when we were together.

our son hates him because he had an affair and then was violent to our daughter.

Some men lose interest in the dc when they lose interest in their dm. It’s absolutely devastating because you can’t see it coming.

I have two different perspectives on this. Split from DD’s dad 4 years ago. They had a row in the summer. He told her not to come to his wedding (she was 12!) and didn’t see her for months. Seen her 4 times in 10 months (3 times at her instigation). He’s there for the new wife’s DC though 🙄

I’m in a new relationship. He split from his XW around the same time as I split from XH. He’s a very hands on Dad, has them 50/50.

Not all men, but some certainly do.

For most women, their children are the centre of their family/relationship and they are the priority.

For a lot of men (I can't say most), the sexual relationship is the centre and the children are just related to that. They will be a good enough dad while in a sexual relationship with the mother.
Once that breaks down they will move on to a new relationship and then the children related to that take priority. Often doesn't even need to be the man's biological children, they can be great stepdads while ignoring their own children.

Same here.

I have seen all of it, so a couple who split but had a completely lovely friendship, they worked in the same building so we saw them talking and arranging stuff. In fact the man was technically a step Dad but saw his bio child as no different so had both children.

My friend who has been through court several times, spent over £100k on just trying to get 50/50 and the Mother trying her damndest to not let that happen. Hand on heart he is great, caring, loving, never bad mouths her to the children despite the fact that she is literally unhinged. As they are 10 years post divorce the children now see her for the mad woman that she is but again, he will never say anything about her. She even involves her parents in everything and they are just as unhinged as her.

I know a chap who walked because his ex wife used the children as weapons. Collection time was 12, the child could tell the time but she would change the clock to make out Daddy was an hour late. Cue distraught child waiting in a window. Then once with their Dad him trying to show the child that the correct time is actually 12 and Daddy wasn't late at all. His child ended up a complete emotional wreck after 2 years of this sort of behaviour and he believed it was best to stop seeing him.

I have heard other men just walk and never look back. There are obviously dynamics at play, the ex is part of that.

My DH dad had an affair and left him & my MIL when he was 14. Last time he saw him was at his grandmas funeral (his dads mum) he went to shake his hand and his dad looked him up and down and walked off.
We didn't attened the wake but my MIL heard what he did....and gave him a backhander Eastenders style outside the pub.
DH on the other hand is a fantastic dad. We have 4 boys and he has shaped them into the young men they are today. They all love him dearly. For fathers day this year the eldest 3 are all chipping in to take him to Rome as he's always wanted to go. He has no idea and I can't wait to see his reaction.

I think it depends as to whether the father has a second family or not.
Those that don’t keep breeding with anyone who comes along, tend to be much better fathers.
Just a generalisation I know.
You cannot be a great father to 2 or more different sets of children with different mothers, it’s physically impossible.
I know of many, many adults with divorced parents where their father has gone on to have children with other women and every single one of them has or had a strained or non existent relationship with their father.
Those who did not have other children tended to fair better.
Thus can also apply to step children. Men putting them before their own children.
Maybe this is also down to the type if person you are. Maybe those who are better parents do not want to damage their existing children by having more children with other women,
I know posters won’t like this view and defend to the hilt their decision to have children with these men, but from my experience it is fact.
I have heard awful stories from these adult children. I can’t think of any adult in this position who doesn’t have bad experiences.

I don't know why it's not a crime either.

It should be. No wonder many young women don't want kids now.

I agree, if both parents decided to stop caring for or financially contributing to the child then what! Not paying CM should definitely be a crime.

Single mums get slagged off so much but they're the ones who haven't abandoned their child. It's gross.

I just want to make sure I've understood this post correctly as it's such an interesting take. Are you saying that the dad should 'obey' the ex's orders with regards to his personal circumstances and relationships, so that he can see his children?

I believe a lot of men assume their job is done once they have procreated, so that their genes continue. If the relationship breaks down, that's OK, they have done their bit.
Much like lots of the animal kingdom.

Hmmm yeah....I dated someone who told exactly this story.

As I got to know him better, I started to suspect that just possibly this didn't only happen because his ex was a heartless bitch, and just possibly her side of the story might be markedly different...🤔

No, men don't automatically give up on their children. My DH is still going out with our adult sons to pursue their mutual interests, and it's now extending to grandchildren.

I have the same experience. Despite this having gone on since we met many moons ago, I am still always shocked by how my husband‘s father will never see him/meet him in public/invite him over/come in for a drink because his “new” wife doesn’t want him to! It’s been this way since my husband’s teenage years when his father met the wife. Unsurprisingly, this man also treats our daughter the same. He has no other children/grandchildren/step-kids/step-grandchildren. It is very much his loss.

My own father has been an absent father since I was born so my parents’ divorce changed nothing when it happened in my 20s. I also feel very little for him, like he is a stranger. He has actually reached out recently as he is sick, but I just cannot magic up strong feelings for someone I essentially don’t know.