Just found evidence

[cornettotrilogy]

Anyone awake for a hand hold? I’ve been up all night and I’m driving myself crazy waiting for someone in my family to wake up so I can tell them that I’ve discovered my husband has been cheating on me.
I woke him up, presented him with the evidence and told him to leave (which he did). I don’t know the details yet. I’m almost certain he was trying to minimise and lie in the little he admitted to before he left. DD woke up and overheard. She’s devastated but back asleep for now.
I think I feel totally detached from the situation, or maybe ‘numb’ would be a better descriptor. I don’t know.

Oh jeez so sorry. How did you find out. This is likely to be just the start of his bullshit so be prepared.

If you’ve spent any time in here you will have seen many of us have been here and there is lots of wise advise on those threads.
Yes he will first try to minimise. Then blame you. I’m sorry. I remember the need to get him to admit the truth and wanting to get more details but in the end what does it matter? You know he’s a cheat and the trust is gone. Stay dignified and be happy he has left. It’s harder when they refuse to go.
Will you be OK on your own?

You need to check out The Script! He will grudgingly tell you lie after lie, minimising his behaviour.

How old is DD? What’s your housing/financial situation?

Hold tight, you will get through this and happier days are ahead. 💐

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. You must be in shock.

I'm glad at least he had the decency to leave when you asked him to.

I hope when you talk to your family they give you the love and support you need and deserve.

Thank you - I’ve just spoken to my mum and now the tears are coming! I feel so humiliated.
Of all the ways to find out, I found a love note in his wallet. What a cliche.

People still write love notes?
Did you suspect before?

DD is a teenager.
I’ve been feeling like I’ve been going crazy for the past year or two. I knew something was off. I want some details to prove to myself that it wasn’t me going mad. The outcome will be the same, though. It’s over.
Finances wise, it’ll be tough, but I’ll have to make it work, I guess.
And yes, I’ve read so many threads on this forum and I hope to be prepared for when I have to speak to him today. Any advice about what to do/say and what not to do/say?
Also, just to be transparent, I’ve changed my username for this thread.

One thing I would do when you’re in a calm state which might not be today, obviously, To ask him looking him straight in the eye, Why didn’t you just leave? If I loved somebody so much, I would move heaven an earth To be with them. Why didn’t you just tell me and leave and be with her if she’s everything you want in life?

I wouldn’t even wait for an answer, but just plant the seed that if he was really in love with this woman, he wouldn’t have been wanting a dual life. Not because you want him to stay now, but so he can leave now knowing that you know that this is not the great love of his life And he’s just burnt down his entire life for thrills and cheap fucks

The day of discovery is the worst feeling, needing answers is what makes you keep going and then the anger hits. Be prepared to only be told the bare minimum! Then you’ll start to put the jigsaw pieces together and things will become clearer. Don’t let him back into the home if you can avoid it, once the trust is broken it’s almost impossible to move forward. Just talk calmly about practicalities for now. Give yourself time to absorb what you’ve discovered before making any decisions and make sure he’s aware you are now calling the shots not him.

Your poor daughter.

Your daughter shouldn’t have had to hear that

Whats done is done.

Oh op. It's devastating. Worst pain I've ever been through.
I had my cheater back in 2024 and he's just done it again, we are going through divorce now.
You need to take really good care of yourself.
You'll have moments you hate him and moments you desperately want him to come and cuddle you and make it all better. Its awful but you'll survive.
I'd caution on asking too many details. You'll want to. It'll traumatise you.
Have a read of chump ladies book, it's an amazing help.

Thank you, everyone. I spoke to him on the phone and I still think he’s lying. He says he didn’t have sex with her, it only lasted a month, and ended over a year ago.
l’ve asked him to stay away from the house and I’ve just taken the ring doorbell off the wall so he can’t watch me coming and going.
The note said…
Happy anniversary (name)
I can’t wait to share my life with you
Your (name) x

Of course, but have you any empathy to add for the OP. She deserves it too. Both the mother and daughter are about to enter a significant period of grief and neither of them are to blame for it.

If it only lasted a month, and finished a year ago, why has he still got the note in his wallet, and what anniversary occurred in that short time?

That’s what I said.

Hang tight to the two things you know. You didn't cause this and he's a liar.
Those are the only two facts you need

You need to protect your daughter more. How on earth did she ‘overhear’ such a damaging and traumatic conversation? That’s awful

This is good advice, in my unhappy experience.
I have done better when, after enough evidence to show me I was being deceived/used I made a conscious effort to detach from the urge to confront him or try to get to the bottom of x, y or z.
Once I knew this was someone completely comfortable lying to me about a vast array of things I knew I had to focus as far as I could on making the best life I could for myself and my child. Very different from what I thought it would be.
Unfortunately the first time I was in this situation I didn't handle it well but a long time later with a different deceiver I managed myself better.
Reaching out for help is really important. Samaritans are happy to hear from you at any time, its more than a listening service for the suicidal - 'whatever you're going through' is what they say.
I also found my GP, the Freedom programme and Alanon could help me. They first time I went through this I didn't have Mumsnet. If I had I don't think I'd have made such a mess of things.
Good luck, I wish you strength. Have a hug 🫂

We can't protect someone from something we have no prior knowledge of though can we?
Do you think it's possible OP's husband caused the overhearing by raising his voice? Do you think he deceived OP because he wanted to protect his daughter?
'Scream quietly or the children might hear'? (There was a book about domestic abuse with a similar title - this is abusive behaviour).
I'd like to believe your heart went out to the teenager and you momentarily forgot the bigger picture.