Just found evidence

[cornettotrilogy]

Anyone awake for a hand hold? I’ve been up all night and I’m driving myself crazy waiting for someone in my family to wake up so I can tell them that I’ve discovered my husband has been cheating on me.
I woke him up, presented him with the evidence and told him to leave (which he did). I don’t know the details yet. I’m almost certain he was trying to minimise and lie in the little he admitted to before he left. DD woke up and overheard. She’s devastated but back asleep for now.
I think I feel totally detached from the situation, or maybe ‘numb’ would be a better descriptor. I don’t know.

@cornettotrilogy Some words of advice OP. I was shat on from a great height after 26 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. To say I was shell shocked is the understatement of the century. So firstly, don't believe a single word he says. Not one single word. Secondly, don't get into semantics with him. It's a waste of energy and (see point number 1) he'll only lie. Thirdly, don't start asking him the ins and outs of a ducks arse, such as how often did they have sex, was she better than me etc etc. Because I guarantee you will want to ask those questions, but you will only drive yourself mad for no good reason. He will lie and most of all he doesn't care. Lastly, I am so sorry but you will get through it.

Why are you discussing another thread on here. It’s against the rules and irrelevant?

It’s pointing out a pattern. You are attempting to derail another thread. I don’t believe it is against the rules for them to mention it, you just can’t make a thread about a thread.

The moment I read your comments I too checked the username and thought the same as the other poster has. It’s clear you aren’t here in good faith. You don’t happen to live under a bridge and need a lot of feeding, do you?

@ImDoingItImDoingDoubleDenimI’ve just done an advanced search as it all feels off. This person only started posting on MN yesterday, and they’ve posted a LOT in that very short space of time. A good chunk of the comments across multiple different threads are clearly on a wind up.

i wouldn’t be surprised if all their posts disappear within the next few days as a previously banned user or something.

@Tillow4everyou’re probably right.

it’s very tiresome.

So sorry to hear it OP - I can only echo others on here. Don’t waste energy on asking ‘why’ - the answer is ‘because he could’. And don’t take it on yourself, you have done nothing wrong - I wish I’d known/understood that when this happened to me years ago. No reason for you to feel humiliated because you have been lied to and cheated.

It’s hard because you don’t stop loving someone overnight, it takes time for your feelings to catch up with the reality of what’s happened. But don’t allow him to minimise it, blame you, or say he’ll change. This has probably been going on for longer than you think.

I hope you are getting family support, your daughter will be fine in the end but she’s going to have her own emotional journey to work through. Just do your best to support her and reassure her that she is loved by both of you.

So sorry OP. Many of us have been through it but you can and will come out the other side. You will have a great relationship with your DD and yes a different family, comprising your chosen friends and relatives.

He has repeatedly shown you who he is, believe him. As you say having your life partner gaslight you is an awful way to live, it makes you feel like you are losing touch with reality, I used to say it was like living on a wobble board where the ground beneath is constantly shifting.

Try to minimise your expectation of answers from him, you won’t get accurate ones.

Please also know that men who behave like this do have something missing in their soul. As someone said on another thread recently the gaslighters and the cheaters are often the cup -half -empty types. I bet your DH behaves like this, as he has some internal discontent eating away at him. All an OW does is provide an opportunity for them to temporarily reinvent themselves. For a while they can pretend to be a better version of themselves.

The family and life that you offered him was good, but he does not deserve or appreciate it. You did all you could.

Focus on yourself and your DD now build happy memories, you can start now. Order some new cushions, and bedding, watch a film with her, get a pet you’ve always wanted. Small things that symbolise better chapters to come.

Have been in a similar situation to you OP.
Take every day one at a time, extra hugs for your dd and any other kids you may have.
💐 for you.

These messages are lovely. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. I’m going to try to have something to eat soon and my DD is out with friends and bringing a friend home for a sleepover, so I’m glad she seems to be coping as well as possible.

I forgot I have another tip regarding your DD. She will take her lead for coping from you.
I have one friend who was broken by her husband’s infidelity. She said repeatedly and daily for years that he ruined her life. Her now adult children still say the divorce ruined their life.

I said that it wasn’t what I had wanted but that the impact on us would be minimal as he was rarely around anyway. My now adult DC both say the impact was minimal.
Even though it’s tough on you, you can manage the damage. DDs friend sleeping over is a perfect start, showing family life goes on!

Also OP you may get more support (albeit quite forceful) if you ask MN to move your thread to relationships rather than the divorce section.

You are obviously one of those posters who will always find some way to blame and berate the OP rather than the cheating husband/partner, under the guise of 'won't someone think of the children'.

OP has just discovered damning evidence of her husband's infidelity and acted in shock. She didn't set out to upset her daughter.

my albeit adult dc heard about my husband and other women in arguments which i didn’t realise they had , it happens. but they would have wanted and been told the truth anyway , i know OP dd is only a teenager but they aren’t stupid. Wishing you well OP its tough, but it gets easier bit by bit, im a couple months down the road and doing better, still have bad days but overall recovering.