Divorce still at decree nisi after years, seeking guidance on pensions

[Ifallelsefails]

We were married for 13 years when I left. - domestic abuse. 18 years later the divorce is still sat at Nisi, I'm the respondent. Family home sold & profit split 50/50. 1 child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex. He works for prison service - 35 years & counting. I worked from leaving school to 50 but then ill health struck & I'm on benefits.

He refused to attend Marriage Guidance Counselling towards the end of the marriage and during the divorce process he refused to attend mediation for finances. He's the sort of husband that likes to be in control of everything, his way. We did Form E's in 2012, solicitors involved on both sides, he wanted us to keep our own pensions but I wanted 30% of his to even things out. Nisi was granted in 2011 but he caused so much grief with contact & let DD down at every opportunity, 4 years in court about it - he just lied the whole time and I only realised the Nisi had been granted in the midst of it all, last year. I've been traumatised by him no end, we'll have been married 30 years this year.

He sacked his solicitor when I wouldn't agree to keeping our own pensions and that's where things have sat for 15 years, he's done nothing. We're both early 60s so I want this sorted and done with - it's abuse just doing nothing.

Has anyone been in this situation or can offer me any guidance please?

He knew I wanted a clean break divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour (of which there was plenty) but he couldn't allow me to divorce him because people would have found out the truth. So he stopped that happening and then stopped the divorce where he was making his point - his pension.

You can have half the profit from the property, and you can have the child but if you think you're having any of my pension you can fck off - that's how I interpret the behaviour. He didn't stop the divorce officially he just left it hanging. I now understand that either of us can apply for the Absolute, which he probably thought I would do anyway out of anger, severing the pension along with it, no doubt. But it's taken all this time to go back 'there' and now I know why I couldn't do that for all those years. I put my DD any myself first because inviting him back into my head is something I can't afford to do for my sanity. So he can stay in his lane and hopefully drive off a cliff while I narrow this down.

She hasn’t done anything to get anywhere! It’s down to a judge no matter what! I don’t think you are hearing me …

@Ifallelsefails no fault divorce has been around for a long time now! You don’t need to accuse him of anything. Judges award pension sharing all the time! You are completely wrong and need to take strong action. I don’t think you can DIY so see a decent solicitor next week.

It sounds like you need someone to help find the value you would have been awarded 18 years ago, and then get the net present value of that amount in his current pension account - to not get more capital he has added in the years since you split but to get the benefit of your share growing in that same period. So splitting out the 2 elements.

shocked by some of these comments. MN always telling women make sure you’re married, you are sacrificing your own career doing the bulk of raising children, working part time etc. So why are people calling OP a gold digger for wanting her share of his pension? It’s perfectly reasonable. The fact its carried on so long is on her estranged DH. This could have been sorted years ago. As PP pointed out, had it been paid 18yrs ago, and invested, it would have grown hugely. So why on earth is it fair it’s capped at when they separated. He should have sorted it out, so if he ends up paying more it’s all his own doing.

Are all the posters here different to those advising women to get married for exactly these reasons? I wasn’t married to my ex, but had 2 DC and he has recently asked me to ask my pension provider how much its cost me being part time for a number of years when kids are small, as he would like to put it right. I have never asked for it, as I know legally I cannot, but he’s benefited hugely from me picking up all the child rearing the last 22yrs whilst he went overseas to work and never had to worry about leaving early to collect DC, or having to say no to travel due to no childcare. Many women are affected by having lower pensions, and marriage is there to protect against that. So don’t get you all calling OP a gold digger. Please explain.

@Zanatdy In a divorce, ALL marital assets are on the table. She cannot pick and choose and neither can ex. They need to crack on and she needs a forensic accountant if he’s hiding anything. When you are not married, it’s entirely different and there’s no marital assets! What a partner does is up to them. If their pensions and assets are £ millions, they are not your assets. Within a marriage, they are on the table. You might have a generous partner but marriage, at the moment, affords better protection for most women. If you split, as not married, you get what you have and is demonstrably yours. This might soon be £ millions but many men do benefit from childcare when they aren’t married and can still walk away with far more money precisely because they didn’t do childcare and also keep all their money.

You need legal advice. People are telling you what they think should happen, and what they think is moral. The law is law not morals.

@LifeBeginsToday It doesn’t take much research to understand marital assets! How they are divided is another matter. Not dealing with this is ridiculous and the lawyers need to buck up.