Divorce still at decree nisi after years, seeking guidance on pensions

[Ifallelsefails]

We were married for 13 years when I left. - domestic abuse. 18 years later the divorce is still sat at Nisi, I'm the respondent. Family home sold & profit split 50/50. 1 child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex. He works for prison service - 35 years & counting. I worked from leaving school to 50 but then ill health struck & I'm on benefits.

He refused to attend Marriage Guidance Counselling towards the end of the marriage and during the divorce process he refused to attend mediation for finances. He's the sort of husband that likes to be in control of everything, his way. We did Form E's in 2012, solicitors involved on both sides, he wanted us to keep our own pensions but I wanted 30% of his to even things out. Nisi was granted in 2011 but he caused so much grief with contact & let DD down at every opportunity, 4 years in court about it - he just lied the whole time and I only realised the Nisi had been granted in the midst of it all, last year. I've been traumatised by him no end, we'll have been married 30 years this year.

He sacked his solicitor when I wouldn't agree to keeping our own pensions and that's where things have sat for 15 years, he's done nothing. We're both early 60s so I want this sorted and done with - it's abuse just doing nothing.

Has anyone been in this situation or can offer me any guidance please?

Why would it be needed to rely on an ex from decades ago to fund you?

The thing is though if you had have received a share of his pension years ago, it would have been growing in your name. So I think it is fair if you get a share of the pension's current value because that represents the growth that would have been in your name anyway.

I don't know exactly how it works and nor do most others on the thread, in my eyes there's always room to learn and that was the intention when I posted - hoping to find others who have been in the same or similar situation.

It's not decades ago & he's not funding me. You obviously know nothing about a marriage - it's a contract where 2 people promise to be nice to each other til death do us part but the vows don't include abuse in any form - sadly I married one of these:

A misogynist is a person who holds deep-seated hatred, contempt, or prejudice against women or girls. This behavior manifests through sexism, belittling, objectification, or the enforcement of rigid, inferior social roles for women. Misogynistic attitudes can be expressed overtly through abuse or subtly through devaluation.

When a marriage ends divorce usually follows. Everything is split equally and legally during the divorce process, but it costs money - he didn't like the idea of that so he walked away half way through. Pensions are up for negotiation in any divorce, it's called dividing assets, so no he wouldn't be funding me, pension splits are commonplace - don't you know any of this.

Pension splits are common and of course pensions should be included in the pot.

what im saying however Is it’s unlikely you’ll get a 50:50 share if current pot as you separated 18 years ago. Yes you are not divorced but a settlement most likely based on assets accrued during marriage and pot at that time.

of course nothing is set in stone and there is the odd case you’ll find that goes against that but they’re usually outliers.

your ex won’t play nice. He will spend loads fighting it now just as back then so be prepared for that

His behaviour won’t factor into settlement so the fact he’s a narcissist in your view doesn’t matter.

the only advice anyone can give is go and spend money on a decent discussion with a solicitor. Then you’ll have more of an understanding. You can do the divorce part online without his agreement so just start that

Pay for a shit hot lawyer. You need to to get the money off the cunt

He'll have a massive pension from a Govt body. Go for it!

She can only get her hands on the amount relevant to the marriage and bear in mind he’ll be able to claim a stake in her for the same period and add in legal costs it might not be the golden goose you think

Do you have the funds now to go to court to reach settlement? I hope you do.

You need to find recommendations of a solicitor that good outcomes for someone in your position. Has an abusive narcissistic ex that will use every trick in the book to not make a settlement and end up in court.

How far is he off pension age, was their a mortgaged marital home and did you file a financial interest against that too?

There’s no ‘automatic’ when it comes to settlement

the courts have wide discretion and while technically still married and therefore anything owned by each party is up for grabs in a settlement the courts are likely to disregard anything since separation especially as this was a very long time ago,

that is not automatic though and they will look at the position of each party during the marriage as well. After such a long separation it’s perfectly likely pension post separation will be disregarded. Or op could get much lower % of overall pot.

its rignt there is a settlement . But it might not yield as much as people think. But the only way to know is start the ball rolling. Then weigh up costs of a long drawn out fight

It is grabby to want 30% of a pot of money at 2026 total than 30% of a pot from 2006.
it’s irrelevant he’s an arsehole

According to him a couple of years ago when visiting his newborn grandchild in hospital, he spent 45 minutes whinging about how he's got to give me half his pension when he retires & 15 minutes on pleasantries re the baby. The 'half' is an exaggeration obviously. He's got 4 years to retirement - this would resonate with what my solicitor said at the time about putting a stop on his pension until he sorts it out but I don't have a clue if this is doable.

So your solicitor can stop him getting his own pension, despite being split for 18 year until he gives you money?!
have you given half of your worldly goods then?

Getting my hands on anything says more about you than me, as does being grabby.

You should spend time educating yourself about marriage & divorce then you might be more able to understand.

If you read the thread instead of trying to be smart you might be able to answer those questions. If all you're here for is a wind up crack on.

I suppose if you piss about wasting everyone's time and money (including my Legal Aid) when petitioning for divorce then walking when you don't like the outcome, refusing to attend mediation for finances when you're the petitioner, it's a bit of a mockery of the whole system.

Omg move on let this one go you are giving him so much head space

Where did I say I wanted a share of a 30 year marriage/pension pot rather than 13 years - I didn't.

If I'd said we'll wait til child is 20 then get divorced but the pension clock will be ticking in the meantime - would that have been OK - I doubt it. He was in the right place to stop the clock ticking in 2012 but he didn't, sort the pension, clean break divorce - job done. His choice.

So have you sorted your pension and given him half?

It doesn't work like that.

Don't feed the trolls. Seek some advice elsewhere on the way forward with this.

Obviously, I'm a guy. I act as mum and dad. I have a government pension, it's a final salary defined benefit item. During the divorce, I swapped my it for some cash. The ex wife was entitled to around £60k (Cash Equivalent) of pension, but payable to her in 2065. I swapped it for £28k cash. She kept the family home, it's mortgage, the cash etc.

I walked with the full pension, a rental property (ex council house) which she hated. Currently mid-forties, working on a third pension through a SIPP; mortgage free, in a new relationship etc. When I'm aged 65, I'll have a defined pension worth £38,000.

So what? You've gotta do a deal what is good to you. You've earned half his pension for the period you were together. Equally, he's earned whatever you have during that period. Once you move on, once you hit retirement, you'll gonna need everything you can, because things only get more expensive and the pension won't increase.

Get some sounds advice, work out what you want, cash now, or pension at retirement..

I say go for it @Ifallelsefails !

I did a DIY divorce which I paid for. Mine was to just get it done and be rid of the bastard (who sounds just like your ex!)

I didn’t go down the finance settlement route as he’d only started a pension when his employer had to make it a standard deductible, and it would have been an absolute pittance.

Luckily for me he wasn’t clued up enough to understand that he could have made a claim on my pension (I earned more and employer (at the time) contributions were pretty generous. ;)

I’ve since re-married and should be able to retire by the time I’m 61 (when mortgage ends). He on the other hand will need to work until he drops dead!!! 😀

If you never did a financial settlement, and he then has then realised he could get half your pension, can’t he go for one now? Even though it is years later?

Yes potentially @MaybeIamJustABitch ex can claim on her assets and pension now. And on the other hand cannot due to remarriage ( assuming ex is not also remarried)

Sorry, what I meant was is that nothing was declared and the ‘settlement’ was marked as ‘0’.

There are several things here.

On the divorce you can just apply for the decree absolute now. You don’t need his permission. You can just do that.

Once you are divorced that formally ends the period for which you could claim but since you’ve been separated so long that might be capped anyway. So I wouldn’t let this stop you divorcing him.

You could self represent in court. You could set out what you want and why. If he refuses to attend the court can still make a decision.

You might want to consider if you still want to be linked to this man. If you can afford your life and retirement then dropping the pension claim would severe all remaining links. I know money is importany! But the option to be rid of him is also worth something.

If you got the pension percentage agreed it’s still a ongoing process with significant costs to get it arranged. So make sure you can afford the admin fee and that what you’d get is worth it. You might be better off asking for cash and investing it. Clean break and ready money.