Divorce still at decree nisi after years, seeking guidance on pensions

[Ifallelsefails]

We were married for 13 years when I left. - domestic abuse. 18 years later the divorce is still sat at Nisi, I'm the respondent. Family home sold & profit split 50/50. 1 child who is now 20, CMS paid by ex. He works for prison service - 35 years & counting. I worked from leaving school to 50 but then ill health struck & I'm on benefits.

He refused to attend Marriage Guidance Counselling towards the end of the marriage and during the divorce process he refused to attend mediation for finances. He's the sort of husband that likes to be in control of everything, his way. We did Form E's in 2012, solicitors involved on both sides, he wanted us to keep our own pensions but I wanted 30% of his to even things out. Nisi was granted in 2011 but he caused so much grief with contact & let DD down at every opportunity, 4 years in court about it - he just lied the whole time and I only realised the Nisi had been granted in the midst of it all, last year. I've been traumatised by him no end, we'll have been married 30 years this year.

He sacked his solicitor when I wouldn't agree to keeping our own pensions and that's where things have sat for 15 years, he's done nothing. We're both early 60s so I want this sorted and done with - it's abuse just doing nothing.

Has anyone been in this situation or can offer me any guidance please?

when a judge decides how to split
your assets it will be based on a balance of need and fairness. It is not about compensating a wronged partner, and the split isn’t decided in order to punish the other one.

The interesting case was a man who won a lottery jackpot. he wasnt divorced after many years apart & his wife then waltzed in, Divorced him & took a sizeable chunk of the winnings.

Until you are divorced & the financials are settled everything is up for grabs which can be a very very bad move.

What I would like to see is some sort of a timetable that parties would be expected to follow in a divorce whether they like it or not.

I've never said I was wronged, domestic abuse is a choice and he chose it - is that right or wrong? Can I be compensated for it - no - instead I chose to save my life and get out.

A pension share is a factor in divorce, it involves money yes but it's not compensation. I have no fear of judges, I have nothing to hide and I've sat in court many times.

Fancy petitioning your wife for divorce then running away when the shit's about to hit your purse, the one you constantly emptied into the pub till until you were shitfaced in front of your young child.

Honestly some people are so vicious. She tried to divorce with a fair financial settlement do a clean break many years ago. He deliberately delayed and obstructed it. The op suffered financial hardship and by default her DC because of his actions.

The OP now wants to finalise it with a fair financial settlement and somehow she’s in the wrong???

If there’s a lottery win and it’s not been a clean break divorce, there might be some winnings awarded to the non winning ex. In the uk this has been .£2m out of £56m winnings. There has been a well publicised case where an ex wife went to court to get money from her ex as there was no financial settlement and he was now rich and she, and dc, were on benefits. She was awarded 50% of the marital assets around 20 years after the divorce and he was, quite frankly, awful. So there are very special circumstance s regarding returning for money. In this case, see a better solicitor and go to court.

I don’t think people are saying op is wrong to want to settle. Rather whether it should be based on date of separation or now.

but that will be for op solicitor or a judge to decide should it that far. But there’s a good chance it would be disregarded but there is wide ability for judge discretion

Thanks for this it's really helpful 👍

Can he not just divorce me (Absolute) by the same token or are the rules different for petitioner & respondent?

Actually not everything is split equally some of us decide to leave with kids from situations and get a quick divorce in 6months to totally separate ourselves and not be bothered by money and thank goodness I did as I've been married to the most wonderful man since for 16 years since who did know how to treat women and children rightly.

I’m not a lawyer, but at this point I would imagine yes, he can just divorce you too. The divorce process and the financial agreement are not actually that linked to each other. It’s entirely possible to get divorced and not get round to do the financial agreement ever, or until much later.

@Watcher2026 It’s not advised to not have a financial settlement. That does keep the door open for future claims. It’s best to have a financial settlement and a clean break. Clean break doesn’t mean no pension included. All money from the marriage is considered and apportioned.

My ex is also dragging feet on this so in the same boat.

What I'm looking at is how much I'm spending to finalise things. If you are racking up more legal fees than what the 30% is worth then you're spending it before it would come into your pocket anyway so it's a pointless endeavour and just dragging it out with no benefit to yourself.

You need to look at it as a whole picture including what you're paying to secure this money. I'd ask your solicitor if it's actually worth going after the 30% at this stage or if you're going to pay much more to get it than what it's worth. In which case you need to cut the losses on it and finalise so you can move on.

After 18 years I'm genuinely surprised that a solicitor isn't advising to do this as the legal fees associated must be substantial. I get legal aid and I know it doesn't fully cover my legal bills only reduces them.

Have you sat down and worked out the numbers?

Anyone suggesting you're grabby for looking for your entitlement to a percentage of his pension is ridiculous. That's money you would have been living off in old age when you can no longer work to make things affordable. Often women enable men to work harder and get a bigger pension pot in the process in the understanding that pot will also benefit them eventually. In my case I provide sole care for our child now and it's highly unlikely I'll meet and marry someone else after what I went through so my long term security was severely compromised by the ending of my marriage and my exes behaviour. That's why pensions are included in divorce financial settlements. It's not grabby its practical. But if the costs to secure it outweigh the value of the pension percentage then it's utterly pointless to pursue it.

Some of us think it will serve him right if it is based on now rather than the date of separation.

Sure it might ‘serve him right’
but it’s not a legal given the yotal
pot now will be assessed. and morals /behaviour don’t factor.
post marital-assets
assets can and often are disregarded.
a % of pension is fair, what that % is is wholly debatable.

if he was obstructive then, it’s unlikely he’s going to roll over and accept it now. Op may end up in a very long drawn out, costly both emotionally and financially legal fight over settlement. That’s not say she walks away with nothing or simply caves, but should look to understand cost vs outcome probabilities and make sound decisions based on that

My ex originally offered 37% of his defined benefit pension and tried to ringfence 5 years of continuous cohabitation prior to marriage plus 5 years of separation before he applied for divorce. Pension was the only asset to be split.

In a needs based case the judge can take the whole period into account. A divorce should not be finalised without sorting out finances. I actually filed a D11 form to block my ex applying for a final order before pension was sorted. I would advise that you do this before your husband gets wind of your intentions as at the moment you still have widow pension rights which would end on finalisation (decree absolute as was).

You can self represent so legal fees are not an issue. AdviceNow and wikivorce etc mean that this is far more possible now than it was 15-20 years ago.

We ended up in financial dispute resolution in court which means that both parties have to complete from E and get CETV and at first hearing the court may order an expert pension report.

We settled at second hearing with a 60:40 split in my favour. I have no pension and am at normal retirement age for the scheme and not able to work due to caring responsibilities so will receive my pension once the admin is completed.

Ex continues to work and accrue pension. Obviously I have no claim on that but pension was shared up until the divorce was finalised to take account of the widows pension I would have been entitled to receive which took into account contributions post separation. Otherwise it would be in my financial interests to file a d11 and stay married in the hope that he would die before me.

I suspect your H didn’t want a clean break and didn’t want to sort out pension. For control reasons. Without legal blocks he could have finalised divorce without a financial settlement but didn’t want you to be free.

So file a d11 with the divorce service and progress to FDR. Self represent. The worst outcome is 50% of time cohabiting/married pension share plus a finalised divorce. But a CETV will tell you what widows pension would be so that would be my bench line expectation of pension settlement.

I would not self represent if it’s a lot of money. Also make sure there’s no other secret savings! All joint money should be in the pot and as it’s been so long and you aren’t any further forward I cannot see how self representing will get this moving. Someone used to dealing with obstinate men might. But if it’s only for £10,000, don’t bother.

That’s absolutely not the worst outcome which is possible. There is no guarantee op would be awarded 50% of pension accrued during marriage - equally it could if course be better.

one thing that is guaranteed is that op stands to get nothing if the divorce and settlement is not concluded.

op have you sought legal advice based on your current situation?

Of course it is not a legal given but nothing morally wrong with trying to hoist him with his own petard.

That was the idea and had it gone to plan (not that there was even a plan) I would have been the petitioner. Within 5 weeks of leaving I asked him for the marriage certificate, he was supposedly in a mess, & he said he couldn't find it (typical of him) so I sent off for a copy and in the meantime he served divorce papers with the original marriage certificate.

If there’s not been a financial settlement then and huge disparity of finance can be considered and partially rectified. Pre marriage funds are now likely to be excluded.

From him serving the divorce papers to him walking away over pension-gate it took 4 years. So yes I think it's spite & control/abuse that drives him.

@Ifallelsefails Just go to a very good solicitor who can push this forward!

Just do it yourself. You sound articulate enough to represent yourself. It’s not expensive to sort out pensions. I think I paid £200 for the administration of a sooot to an army pension and nothing for the other one I got. His choice to split the pension deovisionnpresumably as it made him better off to keep the majority of his army pension. A judge will guide you through. Crack on with it. Courts can help with legal proceedings (not advice) but you don’t really need advice as a judge will decipher and they know the law. When it all comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter who said what - it’s just a load of fluff. The financials will speak for themselves.

@Gonk123Did you read the op? This is 15 years of getting nowhere. It’s not just pensions, it’s complete disengagement. A better solicitor should get this moving and if it was easy, don’t you think the op would have succeeded before now? She needs detailed advice on how to stop hod behaviour. Judges can get exasperated by diy people in complicated matters where they are out of their depth. It’s so long now it needs someone who knows what they are doing - will bells on!

Rude!
and wrong!
Acting in person v a solicitor just incurs costs. The law doesn’t change just because a solicitor is involved. All info available online! Just have to research it!

@Gonk123 In the circumstances here, after 15 years, a solicitor and probably a barrister in court will push this to a conclusion. The op has got nowhere! It’s obviously going to cost more but it’s worth it and much easier! If it was easy, the op would have nailed it 15 years ago!