Financial settlement - how to deal with ex?

[itiscoffeetime]

I’m currently in the middle of a financial settlement and things are starting to get quite heated. As the discussions seem to be moving in a direction he doesn’t like, my ex has become more reactive. He’s been sending messages telling me to be careful with spending, not to spend on certain things, and saying things like he’s “not working just to be rinsed.”

The situation is made more difficult because although he now has a girlfriend, we are still living in the same property, which is becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

I’m trying not to engage emotionally or escalate things, especially as we both have solicitors handling the settlement. However, he keeps trying to discuss finances directly with me, and those conversations tend to go nowhere—he simply insists I’m not entitled to certain things or that I don’t deserve them, despite advice suggesting otherwise.

Would it be reasonable at this point to set a boundary and direct him to speak to his solicitor instead of discussing financial matters with me? I feel like productive conversations between us are no longer possible.

Re the joint pot it depends how much. If it’s a few k then no it won’t be considered if it’s tens of thousands it would be

We are currently renting. We moved out of our family home some time ago due to work arrangements, and since then it has been let out as a buy-to-let.

I found this online - An interim lump sum in divorce proceedings is a one-time, upfront payment ordered by a court to be paid by one spouse to the other during the divorce process, before the final financial settlement is reached. It acts as a form of "interim maintenance" or "maintenance pending suit" designed to meet urgent financial needs, such as paying for legal fees, securing housing, or covering immediate living expenses.
This payment is temporary, intended to prevent financial hardship for the weaker party while the divorce proceedings are still ongoing.

I’m assuming you both want to have money to split? Then unless your are millionaires i suggest you both sit down and work out a fair settlement rather than talking via solicitors or multiple court hearings - your money will be swallowed up in legal fees. The starting point is 50/50, any variation needs justification eg I received 55% because I earn less due to be a trailing spouse and part time job as dd has Sen. The courts, unless he’s a very high earner will not be expecting spousal support, just the mandated child maintenance. He won’t be expected to help your lifestyle

Oh and the court will expect you to be working at least when your dc are in school and full time in the medium term, interim additional money until this can be achieved is more likely to be awarded than any open ended request

I’ve never expected him to fund my lifestyle—he never has, and he never will. My self-esteem wouldn’t allow that. Everything I’ve achieved, I’ve earned myself, and I’ve never asked for much. In fact, there was a significant period where I was largely supporting his lifestyle—my solicitor and I estimate it could be over 55%, although he disagrees, which makes constructive conversations very difficult.

The issue now is that he can’t buy me out without selling the house, yet he’s insisting on keeping it. I understand the court may ultimately order a sale, but in the meantime my solicitor is looking at a fair level of maintenance as an alternative to selling. He also has assets overseas which have been disclosed, but he’s claiming they’re not divisible, which adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

I divorced a long time ago so i dont know about what would be expected now. We just agreed to split everything 50/50. We kept our own pensions which was probably to his advantage but he was a few years older than me and long term I was likely to benefit more than him. Hard to say if that worked as he developed a health condition and died a long time ago.

It was a cheap divorce, my bill was low and he never even had a solicitor. The main thing for me was it was fast and low stress which I felt benefitted the children so I guess it depends on how unreasonable he's being. As someone else said spending £20k to get £10k isn't worth it. Good luck and it will soon be water under the bridge.

@itiscoffeetime significant period where I was largely supporting his lifestyle how long for and how long ago?
so you have had well paid job before? Why aren’t you aiming for that again!

Thanks for your kind words — I really hope you’re feeling better after everything you’ve been through.

For me, it just doesn’t make sense to spend £20k to get £10k — that would be pointless. My situation is more like to spend 10k to get 20k and it’s incredibly draining. He keeps hinting that I’ll only get the money if I agree, but I can’t accept that. I’m not looking to make a bad deal out of exhaustion — I just want a fair and just outcome.

Yes, I had a well-paid job with good benefits when I first met him, and we had a great life together. But we made the decision to start a family, and with two children, it simply wasn’t possible for me to continue in the same role.

I’ve since moved into a completely different industry, which I do enjoy, but I’ve had to start from the very bottom of the career ladder, and it will take time for me to build myself back up.

Ultimately no one here knows if you’re being reasonable or not
maybe you are
maybe he is

but settlement is like a business negotiation and your solicitor will tell you one thing , his will tell your ex something different

ultimately if you can’t talk between you, you just have to go via solicitors - but know what you are prepared to let go or compromise on- and if you still can’t reach agreement out of court then a judge will decide. On that it could go either way.
it will come down to how far disconnected you are in offers and whether you’re likely to close the gap going to court.

reaching court can take years though.

good luck

Can you find a mediator? They could help you both sort through this. If arrangements for children are involved, there is a government grant that can be applied for, as it reduces harm to the children.

We both have solicitors, so I don’t think we need mediation as well. Arrangement for children are done and it can't be changed.

Fair enough. We found mediation made it a lot cheaper. I don't have a solicitor and he just had one meeting. Good luck, it is such a fraught process but it will come to an end and you will have your life back.

In any event presumably you should be applying for Universal Credit now?

Thank you for your kind words. Although the process has been quite difficult, I’m in a much better place now in terms of my mental health. The last 5 to 7 years were incredibly draining, but I’m genuinely glad with where I am today.

I thought Universal Credit can only be claimed once the divorce is finalised. By that point, I’ll also have my financial settlement, so I assumed I might not qualify for UC anyway.

No. It's from the day you seperated

Thanks a lot. I will look into it.

He's clearly trying to force your hand to prevent you holding out for a fair settlement. Divorce is a horrible business. Hang in there and try not to think about the hideous legal fees which are a necessary evil in cases like this.

that can’t be deduced from this thread information

Why are you not claiming benefits as you are now a single parent with a low income?
You need to move forward and find a way to become financially independent.
it’s reasonable that he pays the mortgage /a share of the mortgage as the house is still a joint asset which he will benefit from when sold but as you are now living separately he doesn’t need to be responsible for your bills or food. He needs to pay child maintenance which you can agree the amount of by using the CMS calculator. But you really need to look into claiming benefits due to your income. If you aren’t eligible for benefits due to your savings then calculate what you would have received in benefits if you didn’t have savings and take that amount from the joint savings each month for you and the kids to live on. That’s not an unreasonable thing to do as if the savings didn’t exist you would be receiving benefits.
if you have joint money you are allowed to use it to cover reasonable living costs. You don’t need his permission.

Thanks — I’ll need to look into that soon after my ex moves out. We’re still living together for maybe another couple of months as he found a place.

It doesn’t matter if he’s still living in the house. As long as you are separated and living separate lives (cooking and washing separately and sleeping in separate rooms etc) then you can claim as a single person. If you have started the divorce process that’s even better proof that you are now a single person.
I started my universal credit claim whilst my ex was still living in the house as I had applied for divorce and was very much not in a couple with him.

I hadn’t realised that! Thanks for letting me know.