Financial settlement - how to deal with ex?

[itiscoffeetime]

I’m currently in the middle of a financial settlement and things are starting to get quite heated. As the discussions seem to be moving in a direction he doesn’t like, my ex has become more reactive. He’s been sending messages telling me to be careful with spending, not to spend on certain things, and saying things like he’s “not working just to be rinsed.”

The situation is made more difficult because although he now has a girlfriend, we are still living in the same property, which is becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

I’m trying not to engage emotionally or escalate things, especially as we both have solicitors handling the settlement. However, he keeps trying to discuss finances directly with me, and those conversations tend to go nowhere—he simply insists I’m not entitled to certain things or that I don’t deserve them, despite advice suggesting otherwise.

Would it be reasonable at this point to set a boundary and direct him to speak to his solicitor instead of discussing financial matters with me? I feel like productive conversations between us are no longer possible.

You just say that those are decisions for the judge, not him.

This. Don't engage. Make a note of everything he says in relations to it and when.

Hi. May I ask why should I do that and what for? Does it help later for negotiation?

As others have said, don't engage, simply tell him to tell his solicitor.
Just keep all emails/texts, just in case.

Ive no legal experience at all. But I do believe you keeping a record of how much of a cock he is will help you stay strong and give you clarity when speaking to your solicitor:

I agree, and I have no difficulty expressing myself clearly to my solicitor.

However, I believe he genuinely thinks he is being fair and even generous. He seems to prioritise his personal savings, particularly for retirement and his lifestyle over meeting the actual needs of our family. From my perspective, that is not a fair balance.

For example, he has recently chosen a flat to move into with his new partner in a clearly more expensive and desirable area, with higher running costs. He says he deserves this because he earns the money.

What I struggle with is that, at the same time, he doesn’t think I should have a similar standard of living, even though I have the children most of the time. That doesn’t feel fair, especially when their needs should come first.

Because these conversations tend to go nowhere and become quite draining, I’ve decided to keep communication with him to a minimum and just remain cordial for now.

Well it’s not into try to reach agreement between you and good solicitor will encourage discussion, negotiation and compromise

of course that’s not always possible in which case just say you’ll direct all correspondence to your solicitor

all id say is dont string it out unnecessarily arguing over small amounts, think material things and be prepared to compromise and trade ( eg want more equity be prepared to trade pension as example) . work out what £ you’re arguing over and work out whats worth spending money on vs agreeing

And reality is in most cases if one is higher earner they’ll enjoy a higher standard of living, courts may award more assets but won’t necessarily make you “equal” ongoing

I do understand what you all are saying, and I’m not trying to ask for anything unreasonable. At the same time, I do feel that the children’s needs should come first. I have a duty of care towards them for the next 10 years, and while I accept there may need to be some compromise, it shouldn’t mean cutting back on their basic needs.

At the moment, it feels like he’s expecting us to make sacrifices for reasons that I’m not entirely comfortable with. I’m trying not to get drawn into arguments about it, as those conversations tend to go nowhere. Instead, I’ve decided it’s probably better to keep things more formal and ask that any discussions go through solicitors. I’ve also updated my solicitor so everything is on record.

I don’t want things to become overly hostile, as he is still the children’s dad and I’d like to keep things as amicable as possible. But I do have a feeling this may not go the way he expects if it continues down this route.

In most cases, if a long marriage with children, it isn't hard to work out the likely split (or perhaps a range) that will happen. Or, if not married (you haven't said), that means the division is just based on legal ownership.

There is no guarantee that children will continue to have the same living standard they had before -- how could there be, when now two homes are likely to be needed and the point is to achieve a break between the adults.

Not suggesting you acquiesce and your solicitor will guide you, im
just saying don’t spend 20k to be awarded 10 more etc. and ongoing basic needs should be compensated from child maintenance ( of course I know that can be challenging too)

if your husband ( presuming husband) earns a lot more he will end up with better lifestyle. That’s just reality

of course none of us know whether your expectations are reasonable as we have no facts - but if you can’t discuss with ex then simply say it will be dealt with through solicitor - but legal fees will increase

use judgement as to what and where you want to spend money

The judge will decide a fair split of the marital assets so it is best not to engage with him and direct him to speak to his solicitor.

Do you work at all? Once the assets are divided you will be expected to provide for your children aside from child maintenance. There is usually no ongoing spousal support so if you do not work, or your job pays significantly less than your husbands then of course your children’s standard of living will be less with only one (or no income) as opposed to 2.

I understand that my financial situation will be very different going forward, and I’ve come to accept that. However, I don’t feel it’s fair for the children to experience such a sudden drop in their standard of living, especially when it’s not something I can realistically sustain on my current income as a zero-hours worker.

He feels that I should immediately move into full-time work to support myself and the children, but that simply isn’t feasible right away for a number of practical reasons. I want to be clear that I am actively working towards securing full-time employment and progressing my career, and I’m doing everything I can to make that happen as soon as possible.

In the meantime, I believe it’s reasonable that a fair level of support should be provided, particularly given the significant difference in our earning capacities. It’s also important to recognise that we were married for 20 years, during which I made considerable sacrifices that contributed to his ability to earn at his current level.

I’m not trying to be unreasonable — just to ensure that the children’s needs are properly met during this transition.

Well either you have a good claim for additional CM above the usual CMS amount and/or spousal maintenance or you don’t. Only your solicitor who knows the incomes involved can advise you. There would need to be a big differential after any govt benefits you would be entitled to are taken into account and it would have to be affordable for him. You would be able to provide evidence he could access cheaper housing to make SM affordable and he will be able to argue you can work / earn more. There is no point either of you getting obsessed with each others day to day spending unless it’s vastly excessive. If he has savings then these are assets that will be available to the court to distribute. I’d suggest using a coparenting app and keeping any communication purely to do with issues about the children.

I also want to ask for some advice about my situation. Since we separated, my ex has removed my access to his account (it wasn’t a joint account), so I don’t have direct access to money anymore. He’s been giving me an allowance, but it’s not really enough to cover everything, and I’ve found it quite hard to ask for more. As a result, I’ve started to build up some debt.

He’s also been telling me that I should get a full-time job straight away, but I have the children most of the time and manage nearly all of the school runs, activities, and day-to-day care. He doesn’t help much with those responsibilities, so it’s been difficult to see how I could realistically do that immediately.

I’m just wondering if this could be considered financial abuse, and if so, what kind of help might be available? I’d also really appreciate any advice on getting support with legal fees, as I feel I need proper guidance but I’m worried about the cost.

The settlement will be based on your full time working earning potential and benefit top ups if applicable not what you currently earn and won’t expect him to fund you not doing so so in that regard he’s kind of correct. Unless he’s a very high earner you won’t get spousal maintenance, only cms

removing access to his sole account is not unreasonable so unlikely to be considered abuse. Couple often have to really cut back on spending during separation (esp if funding 2 properties)

it really sounds like you expect nothing to change for you and that’s not the case

you may have grounds for more than 50% of assets. Again we don’t know.

how old are your children ?

Ps - it is possible to put in a claim fir interim
maintenance but likely success will depend on factors such as whether he is paying mortgage /bills, giving cms, ability to pay etc. by no means guaranteed

At the moment, all the bills and rent are being paid from what he refers to as my “allowance,” but in reality it’s quite difficult to manage everything within that amount.

I’m also finding it challenging to take on full-time work right now due to childcare responsibilities. Since our separation, I can’t really rely on him for support in that area, which makes things more complicated.

I do feel a bit uncomfortable with the tone of some advice, as it can come across as quite judgmental at times. I’m not spending on myself at all and have been trying to manage as carefully as possible, despite him being a high earner.

As you say, this is a transitional period. The financial settlement will be determined either by negotiation between the lawyers, or by the courts if you cannot reach agreement.

Your current lack of access to money isn't good. Do you not have access to any of the savings accumulated during the marriage? You need to ask your lawyer for advice.

Is the marital home being sold and the proceeds divided?

How old and how many children?
is there no after school or breakfast clubs?

Yes, he does owe me a significant amount of money, but at the moment I don’t have access to any of it. I’m planning to apply for an interim lump sum, as he is unwilling to pay anything beyond what he currently provides without a court order. I need access to some funds to cover essential expenses and manage a few immediate priorities.

He is also using this situation as leverage to push me into agreeing to a quick settlement, suggesting that any shortfall I’m currently facing should be taken from my final settlement. I’m relieved that I now have a solicitor supporting me, as previously there was pressure to resolve everything quickly on a DIY basis, which I no longer feel is appropriate given the circumstances.

Just wanted to check — if I use money from our joint pot, would that be taken into account or deducted from my final settlement? At the moment, he gives me money from that pot from time to time, mainly for the kids, but it’s often made to feel like it’s coming from his own money. So every time something comes up, I have to ask for it, which feels really dehumanising and stressful over time.

Make sure you get a fair proportion of the pension. You have children to look after now, but they will leave home and you need to have an income when you retire.

I don’t think people are judging
we’re simply saying that it’s likely you’ll be expected to work full time, if you chose not to the settlement won’t be larger as a result.

if he’s a high earner there could be a case for interim maintenance or even ongoing spousal but courts prefer not to and if you are claiming uc spousal would reduce that anyway.

Ultimately all im
saying is that it might not be realistic to expect that nothing changes re children - you may have to cut back. We don’t know as we don’t know what assets there are, or what your respective incomes are . And you may need to compromise and negotiate ( through your solicitor) your reach settlement or may decide to leave it to a judge. Getting to fdr and final hearing can take a long time.

as it’s a long marriage you’ll come away with a fair share of assets and good cms if he’s a high earner, but will be assumed to able to work full time or manage accordingly with earnings, uc, child benefits and cms.

of course if he’s a very high earner spousal might come into play,

I’ve never seen interim lump sums - only interim maintenance

Your solicitor will guide you

moment, all the bills and rent are being paid from my allowance
do you mean mortgage not rent?