What to say to adult children?

[Missteefied]

Considering divorce/separation but petrified about the break up of our family, even though all 3 of our children are adults, so not done anything since discovering my husband's activities a year ago. I can't see we have a future though
This situation has come about due to finding out my husband was seeking sex with strangers, claims he didn't succeed, engaged in online communication around this and attended seedy venues with this in mind.
Separation will come as a shock to our children and we have been married a long time, but as adults they are bound to ask questions about the reasons

My husband is adamant he wants to stay in the marriage and is very sorry, so any split will have to be instigated by me

I want the children to have a good relationship with their father. I am not out for revenge, so don't want to turn them against him, but it has been his behaviour that has led to this

Do I have to give them details? I know lying could be damaging too. I don't want them to think I have just given up either, as the reality is I have put up with years of challenging behaviour but never expected him to be deceitful or unfaithful
Any advice please ?

OK thanks@TinyMouseTheatre. It's such a huge decision and I feel paralysed about taking any further steps, even though it's been a year since finding out. As previous poster has mentioned there may well be stuff he did I am still not aware of. When you are living with a husband who keeps saying how sorry they are and wants to make it better, it plays with your mind. You begin to feel that you are the unreasonable one for struggling to want to, but I will never be able to feel the same way about him, or respect him again

You’re definitely not being unreasonable and he knows this. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing otherwise and continue to rob you of months of not years of your life.

Its such a difficult decision what to tell adult children. When DH left me for another women after over 35 years together I just told the DC (late 20s) the truth and basic facts and said he had always been a wonderful father to them and I expected their relationship to continue with him as always. I have kept friendly and we have managed some family events with both of us there. Whilst I know I did the right thing sometimes I hate the way they still adore him so much after what he did to me and want them to hate and disconnect from him because of it. I would never say anything of course as really want them to be happy but such mixed emotions so I really understand your dilemma OP.

Thanks @silverchickens. I think why I feel stuck as my husband is trying to convince me stay/he won't leave, so it's left with me to take actions. It's so difficult to be deciding the next steps

You don't have to divulge any details to your children that you don't want to. They are adults, though, and likely not completely in the dark. You don't have to badmouth their father, but you can be honest about your reasons for leaving. You are entitled to happiness, and I would think your children would think the same.

Tell them to ask him

Sorry you are going through this OP.
I think it depends on your kids a lot. I think I’d want to give them more information but I’d also tell them that you don’t want to discuss it in any more detail. I also think it’s a good idea to make it clear to them how you want them to treat you and your husband in future. If your kids have left home it would be easiest for everyone if you and your husband can separate amicably. That might be more achievable if everyone remains respectful of one another rather than everyone being at war with one another and taking sides.
It massively depends on your kids personalities though.

Don’t you just say ‘he did some things that were unacceptable to me/ I could not live with’ and tell them to ask him if they want details?

I think it’s also important to give them permission to have their own relationship with him unaffected by what you feel about him. My MIL tried for years to enlist her adult DC against their dad and it was just shit and ruined every family occasion as it was all she wanted to talk about for literally years. He’d had an affair but he was still their dad and they didn’t need to hate him because she did.

He was 100% in the wrong to have the affair but their marriage had died long before that and the culpability for that was not all one sided.

I obviously don’t know the details of your situation but it reminded me of my in laws when you said it was his behaviour that was the cause of the divorce. You make it sound as though you have no agency at all. It is a choice you are making too to end things.

@Missteefied This happened to me. I didn’t tell anyone about why I wanted the divorce and my ex went behind my back and told them and all my friends and family etc that it was because I was crazy/having a breakdown/alcoholic! I really wish I had told them the truth about him. Please don’t give him the same chance to blame you.

Thank you for all your responses, they are really useful thoughts, I suppose there is no predicting how they will react or how my husband will handle things, He is not happy I am considering ending things, saying I am " loosing perspective " which I find irritating. He has been attending seedy venues looking for sexual encounters, as he has stopped he thinks I should be able to get over it