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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

What to say to adult children?

62 replies

Missteefied · 01/04/2026 20:03

Considering divorce/separation but petrified about the break up of our family, even though all 3 of our children are adults, so not done anything since discovering my husband's activities a year ago. I can't see we have a future though
This situation has come about due to finding out my husband was seeking sex with strangers, claims he didn't succeed, engaged in online communication around this and attended seedy venues with this in mind.
Separation will come as a shock to our children and we have been married a long time, but as adults they are bound to ask questions about the reasons

My husband is adamant he wants to stay in the marriage and is very sorry, so any split will have to be instigated by me

I want the children to have a good relationship with their father. I am not out for revenge, so don't want to turn them against him, but it has been his behaviour that has led to this

Do I have to give them details? I know lying could be damaging too. I don't want them to think I have just given up either, as the reality is I have put up with years of challenging behaviour but never expected him to be deceitful or unfaithful
Any advice please ?

OP posts:
Gallusoldbesom · 01/04/2026 20:12

Sorry OP, this sounds awful. Tell the truth, you don’t have to over-egg it or be overly emotional/blaming him, but it’s beyond unacceptable and your children should be made aware that the break up is entirely due to his behaviour. It’s then up to him how he manages his relationship with them.

Fable2024 · 01/04/2026 20:13

Your adult kids will be less shocked and more jubilant that their parents are finally getting a divorce

BruFord · 01/04/2026 20:22

You’re entitled to privacy in your relationship, just as they are in their relationships. You really don’t have to explain to them why you’re splitting up (I.e. your husband’s attempts at cheating).

TinyMouseTheatre · 01/04/2026 20:26

Of course he wants to carry on as he is and he’s leaving it up to you to instigate the Divorce. What an absolute Prince.

Actually this does do you a favour as you’ll. e much more in charge of the Divorce process than if he applies.

It’s also up to you if you tell the DC what he’s been up to or if you want to tell them that you’ve grown apart and can no longer live together.

Have you got all of the financial information that you'll need and have you had the house valued, assuming you own it?

Original poster
Missteefied · 01/04/2026 21:11

Thanks for your thoughts. It's a difficult position to find myself in and I feel tortured about taking any action

OP posts:
TinyMouseTheatre · 01/04/2026 21:25

I can totally understand you feeling tortured but inaction is what he wants and im not sure how healthy it’s going to be for you.

Have you taken any steps so far? How about finding out about his finances and thinking about where you want to live when this is all sorted?

GoldDuster · 01/04/2026 21:34

I would just explain that you've decided you can no longer remain married to their dad, due to various reasons and you need to look after yourself.

Don't try to fix it all the way to the end, they will have questions, they may not be the ones you expect, their reaction might not be what you anticipate. You've just got to do what you've got to do, be honest and reasonable. You can refer any questions that you think need more detail over to him to elaborate upon.

This is not yours to get right, or to carry.

Fable2024 · 01/04/2026 21:35

I don’t think they’ll be surprised

TinyMouseTheatre · 02/04/2026 07:37

Fable2024 · 01/04/2026 21:35

I don’t think they’ll be surprised

I think this is probably true. They’ll be more aware that their DF is far from perfect and your marriage is difficult for you than you’ll realise.

Elektra1 · 02/04/2026 07:43

I don’t think you need to give details - just say enough to let them fill in the blanks for themselves. “We wanted different things”. Only if he starts telling them that it’s all on you as he wanted to make it work, might you need to say “I didn’t want to involve you in the detail but your father no longer wished to remain monogamous and that did not work for me.”

LemonTT · 02/04/2026 11:21

Your children are adults and should be able to understand and accept that relationships and feelings change to the point their are unsustainable. They should also be able to accept that they don’t have an entitlement to know everything about you and him.

One of the things you need to remember is that your children have insight and feelings about you as parents and a couple already. They may see things about you and him that you don’t and also be blind to some things about you both. Their perspective isn’t yours. Your ex will also have a perspective which he may decide to voice which may reveal things to you about you that you don’t see.

Putting it quite simply, you can tell them the truth about his recent behaviour but it might set off a lot of truth telling within your family. Are you prepared for that bearing in mind that your children may not want that at all.

Goldfsh · 02/04/2026 11:24

Details will only make them think that you want them to judge him - and you probably do, but it's not helpful.

No one wants to know the details of their parents' marriage - and it's really not normal to go into detail. I'd be amazed if they asked any questions, but will just want to support you both.

MuckyBrass · 02/04/2026 11:27

Elektra1 · 02/04/2026 07:43

I don’t think you need to give details - just say enough to let them fill in the blanks for themselves. “We wanted different things”. Only if he starts telling them that it’s all on you as he wanted to make it work, might you need to say “I didn’t want to involve you in the detail but your father no longer wished to remain monogamous and that did not work for me.”

This is a good approach

isthesolution · 02/04/2026 12:07

I’d tell them that you won’t be the one to go into detail but that your husband has broken the trust and you can’t continue in the marriage.

Original poster
Missteefied · 02/04/2026 13:33

Thanks for all your responses they have been very helpful

OP posts:
Fable2024 · 02/04/2026 13:45

So what are you going to do? Because the situation sounds intolerable.

Sparkles1212 · 02/04/2026 13:47

Missteefied · 01/04/2026 21:11

Thanks for your thoughts. It's a difficult position to find myself in and I feel tortured about taking any action

Tortured? It's about self respect isn't it? I'm sure your children will be extremely understanding

Original poster
Missteefied · 02/04/2026 14:22

Yes, it is about my self respect and happiness, but I have struggled to act as facing the reality seems so hard and stopping me from taking action

OP posts:
Sparkles1212 · 02/04/2026 14:28

Missteefied · 02/04/2026 14:22

Yes, it is about my self respect and happiness, but I have struggled to act as facing the reality seems so hard and stopping me from taking action

Have you considered a few counselling sessions to help you find the way forward?

Original poster
Missteefied · 02/04/2026 14:34

I have had counselling both individually and as a couple over the last year. I reached the conclusion in counselling that I didn't want to stay in the marriage but life events have got in the way of action since then, but now these events are over, there's nothing standing in my way. I am just too scared to do anything 😐

OP posts:
Fable2024 · 02/04/2026 14:36

Speak to your adult children. I would be very very surprised if they are not wholly supportive of you and their dad breaking up (and probably my wish that it had happened a long time ago)

BruFord · 02/04/2026 14:54

You don’t have to rush into anything @Missteefied. Think about what you want your future to be and talk about it with a close friend if that would be helpful ( not your children obviously). Then take the necessary steps to make that happen.

It IS scary ending such a long relationship, but it may be worth it. 💐

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 15:09

Tell the truth as far as you are concerned his behaviour means you have no other option.

Nibbits · 02/04/2026 15:19

I was in the same position OP, and had a few counselling sessions to help me through it. My therapist advised me not to explain or give my adult children too many details, just to tell them we had decided to separate and it would be for the best for both of us. They accepted it without question and one said he wasn't surprised (overheard arguments).

They've never asked for any details, either they know it's not their business or they're not interested and I've never said a bad word about their dad to them as he had always treated them well. Years on, they are now finding out for themselves how much of a pain he really is Grin

TheHillIsMine · 02/04/2026 15:23

Mine were 18-22 when I filed for divorce. It was a few months before two of the kids wanted to know why and even longer for the other one. I answered all questions truthfully.

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