What to say to adult children?

[Missteefied]

Considering divorce/separation but petrified about the break up of our family, even though all 3 of our children are adults, so not done anything since discovering my husband's activities a year ago. I can't see we have a future though
This situation has come about due to finding out my husband was seeking sex with strangers, claims he didn't succeed, engaged in online communication around this and attended seedy venues with this in mind.
Separation will come as a shock to our children and we have been married a long time, but as adults they are bound to ask questions about the reasons

My husband is adamant he wants to stay in the marriage and is very sorry, so any split will have to be instigated by me

I want the children to have a good relationship with their father. I am not out for revenge, so don't want to turn them against him, but it has been his behaviour that has led to this

Do I have to give them details? I know lying could be damaging too. I don't want them to think I have just given up either, as the reality is I have put up with years of challenging behaviour but never expected him to be deceitful or unfaithful
Any advice please ?

You say, “we want different things…” when pushed, say “he wants to pursue sex with strangers, I dont.”
He will maintain he never actually did anything, he wants to stay together, yada yada.
Why would you accept the blame? He has thrown a grenade into your marriage. Let him feel the deflagration.

You've got yourself completely emotionally paralysed haven't you? Can you imagine, should you stay emotionally paralysed, being in this marriage until you pass away? 🥰❤️

Yes @Sparkles1212 , I realised in last couple of days as my feelings have not changed over the past years, they are unlikely to change now and it's no way to spend the rest of my life, if I stay with him. Not good for him either

So what’s your plan then @Missteefied? I can understand being scared but does that overshadow the misery of still being with him?

Which bits of leaving scare you the most but more importantly you should also look at what staying with him will be like for you long term.

You're so right. How can we help you take that first step?

I don’t think that “ we wanted different things” is fair to the OP. Whilst I understand that going into detail about their father’s seedy behaviour might not be helpful for the DC, I think something along the lines of “ he crossed boundaries in a way that means I can’t continue to be in a relationship with him” would be fair.

Your version would be fairer, but would instantly lead to lots more questions from adult dc which she has indicated she probably wouldn’t want to answer.

I am in a very similar position to you and feel so desperately stuck at present. I’m very slowly starting to try and organise my thoughts into persuading myself to start even to have counselling. I haven’t even got as far as telling him yet! I just know I can’t live like this. My kids are 21 and 24. One of them still lives with us which is why I feel more stuck. You are not alone.

I kept details to a minimum with my adult children. I made it clear that he had crossed a line and I was very angry though. They didn't ask for further details. I think they had a pretty good idea and probably discussed things between themselves but no need to discuss it with me.

They may well not want to know. Adult children don't usually want to get stuck in the middle.

They can ask for details without being stuck in the middle.

I wouldn’t be so sure of that.

@Pikachu150 I think you did the right thing, you didn’t want to damage their relationship with their father and tbh, your relationship was none of their business.

“Your father decided I wasn’t enough for him” should do it. If they want more details they can ask him.

When you tell them you are separating I would tell them you don’t want them to be piggy’s in the middle. The trust has gone in your marriage and you no longer want to stay married to him.

I took mine out to lunch and told them then. I explained it factually why I was leaving and said they needed to keep a normal relationship with their dad. One burst into tears (but not the one I thought would) and the other DC just stared at me in silence.
My DCs were definitely not jubilant, as mentioned by a PP, but I guess we’re all different, as are the circumstances.

So is there anything we can do for you to help you make that move @Fruityoranges?

I think I need some counselling as I am an extreme people pleaser and I know if I initiated a divorce now I would feel sorry for him and so guilty that I would either end up changing my mind or feeling huge amounts of painful guilt. It sounds pathetic when I see it written down like this but at least I’m beginning to see the light. It just feels like a long way off! Seeing the OP has helped and reading the replies.

Counselling does sound like it could be a good idea. Have you also done the MN thing of “getting your ducks in a row”? Perhaps you could do the two things simultaneously? Book a Counsellor and start to gather information on both of your finances?

What are you scared of OP? Maybe breaking down what you’re actually scared of will help you take it one step at a time. Don’t focus on your adult children. With kindness, that sounds like an excuse not a reason to stay.

Can you start by putting a list together of all the things you’re scared of and maybe we can help you rationalise each fear?

Thanks for all your helpful replies. @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn , I think I am scared of our family unit breaking up and upsetting the children mainly. Plus this is not the future I have worked for, hoped for, or planned to have, either staying with a man who I now know is into weird, kinky stuff, plus happy to betray me, or going through a divorce. Neither option appeals or neither what I would have chosen for myself

I totally get that @Missteefied. You probably have a vision of what you wanted your future to be and might be feeling a sense of grief that he’s stolen that from you?

I think you do have a choice though. You can stay and be unhappy or you can leave and find some peace for yourself.

If it’s worth anything to you, I had DPs who were unhappily married although outside of the immediate family you’d probably never know and I didn’t understand for a long time why they just didn’t divorce. Your DC probably just want to see you have a more fulfilling life than you do now

I was once the adult child in this situation. I was 19. I was told clearly that mum and dad were divorcing because dad had an affair. I think that was the right way to manage it.

Its not just your children, you will need to tell both sets of parents, wider family snd friends. Those people will have questions, not because they're nosy but because they care about you both. I recommend honesty from the start - not necessarily the specific details but at least the gist of it. So you need a brief but clear statement, e.g "we are getting divorced because dad has been involved with other women".

Also, people will be asking both of you separately about why the marriage is ending. Its unlikely that your husband will want people to know the real reason and he may not be as committed as you are to the "we want to keep things private" line. In my case, my husband told mutual friends that he had no idea why I was ending the marriage and I was made out as being in an irrational midlife crisis, when he knew that the real reason was because he was cruel and aggressive to me and the children.

Also, it may be hard to hear, but it seems pretty unlikely that your husband only just started engaging with these women recently, and you just happened to find out about it right at the start, between the point of communicating with them and actually meting up with them. People are much more careful at the beginning and only get careless and complacent after some time. It is possible, even likely, that your husbsnd has been engaging with other women for a long time. He may have been covering his tracks for years but just got careless on this one occasion which is how you have found out. So don't let yourself minimise this by saying "he didnt actually cheat" because you cant know that for sure.

I think you can tell your adult children the truth and let them decide how they want to move their relationship forward with their father. A lot will depend on his behaviour towards them too, if he makes thing difficult or causes drama that will impact them.

My mum told me about my dad's affair when I was 22. They actually didn't split, but his behaviour caused so much distress and destruction that I decided myself I didn't want a relationship with him. I am very low contact with him, as he is still married to my mum. I am grateful she told me the truth, men like this don't deserve to have their shitty behaviour hidden so that people don't think badly of them. If your kids were children then maybe, but they are adults.

How are you today @Missteefied?