Women would you actually date a divorced guy paying all his money in alimony and child support

[Acesup6995]

This may sound like an offensive question and maybe it is. But I am a man who has been married more than 12 years now and I am miserable unhappy in my marriage and have been considering divorce for a long time now. Not because I want to be alone. Not because I hate the idea of marriage. Because I am miserable unhappy with the woman I married, either who she has turned into or who she always was and was just fooling me into believing she actually loved me and wanted a relationship with me wasn't just using me to have kids and pay bills and do chores.

I want to start over. I want to find somebody new, the right woman who would appreciate how hard I would work to make her happy and find that attractive and a turn on.

But what is keeping me in the marriage, other than the obvious that I don't want to screw up my kids lives, is that I am afraid the financial burden of being divorced is going to be so heavy it'll be an albatross around my neck and no woman will be able to look past my financial limitations due to alimony and child support and be willing to take a chance on me to see all the good non financial things I have to offer.

The estimates I'm getting from attorneys are as high as a third of my monthly salary I would have to pay her in combined alimony and child support for at least 10 years. That plus the cost of rent and basic living expenses would leave absolutely zero dollars left over for even the most basic dating for the next decade of my life let alone getting remarried, starting a new life with the right woman. I am afraid I will literally be doomed to be alone until I am into my 60s because I will look like too much financial baggage for any woman to get past the dating phase to see what I have to offer in a relationship.

Maybe it is because I live in an area where it feels like women around here only care about money or maybe it is because my wife acted like she loved me and wanted a relationship and after we had the kids suddenly all she cared about was the things we couldn't afford and nothing makes her happy anymore but money, but I just don't have much trust that women would actually give a guy a chance no matter how good he is to her if he doesn't have money. I would love to be wrong but I haven't seen any evidence of that yet and I'm losing hope.

So honestly, from women, would you ever be willing to look past a guy who is saddled with crippling alimony and child support if he is good to you in every other way.

But she just keeps checking out of our intimacy and sex life more and more.

And there we have it. These threads are so fucking predictable.

Oh.

It's just another bloke moaning that he doesn't get enough sex.

FFS.

Pretty much all of the rest of your posts on MN are within the sex section, where you are just complaining that your wife won’t have sex with you.

There is a sense of entitlement in every one of your posts. For future reference no woman owes you sex, not even your wife.

I'm assuming you mean the OP not me? 😆

In one of your other threads, you describe how your wife is struggling with perimenopause and that is why her sex drive has reduced. But, you call that a “bullshit” and say that she’s using perimenopause as a get out of jail free card”.

Stop acting like you’re the good guy here, you’re not.

Oh definitely the OP!

Apologies 💐

I was prepared to give this the benefit of the doubt right up until the grass is greener shit.

In answer to your question, OP. Would I date a guy like you? Absolutely not.

Nope. I dont need baggage.

Oh, it's another man whinging about sex. No, I definitely wouldn't go out with you after reading that whingefest.

Have you seen his posts on the sex board?

I think that there are lots of lovely women in their 40s, 50s & 60s looking to date nice, stable, kind, responsible, interesting, funny, mature, did-i-mention-kind men in their 40s, 50s & 60s.
The problem for those women is that not many men like that are single.
The problem for you (and I will leave this as a question and not presume to answer on your behalf) is do you fit these criteria?
There is only so far blaming your ex/wife can get you

Of course he's posting there. Just another creep using a women's forum to satisfy a fetish.

There may be plenty of women willing to date a nice divorced man with children. @Acesup6995 isn't one.

🤨 I feel like you should answer this question too, OP. In the interests of fairness.
If you were single and dating, and there was a woman who was good to you, but was, according to her, ‘saddled with paying crippling alimony and child support’ (for her own children), would you feel that it was possible to build a good life with this person? Who sees supporting their own children as a burden they are ‘saddled with’?
I say this as a stepmum of three, married to a really good guy who I love very much, and who paid every bit of child support.

Has she actually “gone off and screwed” somebody else? That seems implausible if she’s lost libido due to perimenopause.

It’s clear how much the lack of enthusiasm in sex is upsetting you. I do sympathize but also think the level of anger towards her is unreasonable.

The summary is that she has a (very common) health issue with side effects that you don’t like and you want to insist that she gets that issue “fixed” in order for you to continue the marriage. At least, that’s what I’ve understood. She would prefer to accept the situation as it is, as a normal part of aging, and not seek medical treatment. She potentially also has some non medical issues around sex that make her not enjoy it that much anyway. She is still willing to have sex but it’s functional rather than passionate.

Idk what marriage vows you made but in the uk “in sickness and in health” is very commonly included. And “for richer or poorer”. Nowhere in any marriage vows that I’ve heard does it include the caveat “as long as we continue to have passionate sex as often as I want”.

Not knowing much about US divorce law I can’t comment on exactly the reasons for the amounts you were quoted for alimony / child support. But my general take is that you’ve made decisions together in marriage around how much each of you work and how much you do practically for the kids and home etc. so you should share the consequences long term. Morally I don’t see why you should be able to back out of those mutual decisions and their consequences based on lack of sex. Within a marriage it is very reasonable to renegotiate but it is a negotiation not a unilateral decision. I am a bit surprised that the court wouldn’t expect her to try to increase her hours after divorce, given maybe 6 months lead time (it’s often not possible to change work arrangements very quickly), but if increasing work hours would simply mean more paid childcare then that would potentially come back to you anyway. If no childcare concerns then I suspect you could make the argument that she’s capable of earning more and should do so. The court would have to decide if that’s fair.

It’s not nice if she’s making you feel bad about not earning more or not being able to afford a pool or whatever. It’s not nice that she’s said things about only wanting to be with you to have kids and I really honestly do have sympathy about how your sex life is making you unhappy.

If she wants the family to have more money what are her reasons for not working more hours? Is it due to childcare? Is there a strong cultural expectation where you live for men to be providers? Your post comes across very sexist to a mostly British audience. I feel similarly about her demanding a house with a pool as I do about you demanding sex, both likely come from the same sexist worldview. Some of your rant is very transactional, it’s not a good look and this kind of attitude certainly won’t attract the kind of women who will love you regardless of finances.

I’ve only read the OP, but would I date a guy who has no money due to child support and alimony. Yes if he was otherwise a good man.

Would I date a guy who is finding out his place on the market before he leaves his wife. Absolutely not.

I will have no money due to taking on the majority expenses on divorce to allow stability for my kids. That has been my only priority on divorce. Finding a man who will accept me with that does not come close to being anywhere on my radar. My children and I are my only priority.

I suspect you need time alone to work on actually being alone and being happy with that. Self acceptance is very important.

The money side wouldn’t bother me. The red flags in your post suggesting deep rooted misogyny definitely would.