Women would you actually date a divorced guy paying all his money in alimony and child support

[Acesup6995]

This may sound like an offensive question and maybe it is. But I am a man who has been married more than 12 years now and I am miserable unhappy in my marriage and have been considering divorce for a long time now. Not because I want to be alone. Not because I hate the idea of marriage. Because I am miserable unhappy with the woman I married, either who she has turned into or who she always was and was just fooling me into believing she actually loved me and wanted a relationship with me wasn't just using me to have kids and pay bills and do chores.

I want to start over. I want to find somebody new, the right woman who would appreciate how hard I would work to make her happy and find that attractive and a turn on.

But what is keeping me in the marriage, other than the obvious that I don't want to screw up my kids lives, is that I am afraid the financial burden of being divorced is going to be so heavy it'll be an albatross around my neck and no woman will be able to look past my financial limitations due to alimony and child support and be willing to take a chance on me to see all the good non financial things I have to offer.

The estimates I'm getting from attorneys are as high as a third of my monthly salary I would have to pay her in combined alimony and child support for at least 10 years. That plus the cost of rent and basic living expenses would leave absolutely zero dollars left over for even the most basic dating for the next decade of my life let alone getting remarried, starting a new life with the right woman. I am afraid I will literally be doomed to be alone until I am into my 60s because I will look like too much financial baggage for any woman to get past the dating phase to see what I have to offer in a relationship.

Maybe it is because I live in an area where it feels like women around here only care about money or maybe it is because my wife acted like she loved me and wanted a relationship and after we had the kids suddenly all she cared about was the things we couldn't afford and nothing makes her happy anymore but money, but I just don't have much trust that women would actually give a guy a chance no matter how good he is to her if he doesn't have money. I would love to be wrong but I haven't seen any evidence of that yet and I'm losing hope.

So honestly, from women, would you ever be willing to look past a guy who is saddled with crippling alimony and child support if he is good to you in every other way.

How come you will pay 1/3 of your salary to ex and children for 10 years? Sounds too much.

Most women would be far more concerned with why the person was divorced and what work they had done on themselves e.g. therapy to get to a place where they are ready for a new/healthy relationship.

Get ready for everyone to pile in on you and tell you marriage failing is your fault.

In terms of dating women in future, i think a lot of women can see past the financial, maybe date outside of the area you live in.

Thats what lawyers have told me is the norm here because of length of marriage and because I make like twice her salary since she only works part time and we have two kids.

Oops.

You must have taken a wrong turn dear, this is mumsnet not Incelnet - the rest of the Internet where men can discuss how all women are just goldigging monsters is that way 👉

I would never be able to date a man, who so clearly resented paying for his children.

Maybe do 50/50 and you won't have to pay as much child support 🤷‍♀️

No, I wouldn't. If you can't afford to pay your way equally while dating, it would not matter how nice you were. I wouldn't expect you to pay for me, but I wouldn't want to date someone where we spent every evening watching TV or walking round a park.

Why would you be paying child support and not having your children 50/50?

Are you in the UK?

I think your financial position is the least of your worries in regards to attracting a partner.

I don’t think he possibly can be.

Alimony isn’t a thing in the UK, apart from couples with ultra high net worth.

Op sounds like he’s in USA - the rules about divorce and financial are very different there and alimony ( spousal maintenance) is much more likely to be awarded

I wouldn't date a man who was looking for dating advice before splitting up with his wife

1/3 is a very large amount but if you are in the US that sounds about right. There will be woman who could look past it, particularly if they themselves are divorced and already have kids.

If I was looking to date (which I'm not) the only financial consideration would be can you afford to do fun things? They don't have to be expensive things, but ideally I'd want you to pay your half.
I think the tone of your post comes off a bit materialistic and dismissive of your wife and kids and that could be a bit of an issue. I'd be looking to see if you have empathy.

Sounds weird if you are based in UK.
How much responsibility do you plan to take for your children?

The strange things about this is, despite writing a really long OP, your focus is on the question of whether a woman will date you, rather that any care for your children or your wife.

Bloody hell USA does things better than us then. Over here in the UK its arranged to make sure the man can still afford a nice, comfortable life by paying a pittance to his ex wife and children, even if this means they struggle financially.

Good ole USA,

TBF he did say he did not want to screw up his kids lives.

OP, where do you live? US or AI land?

Really you only seem to be interested in yourself and if you can have a future relationship. Most people don’t meet the right person straight away and you should try living on your own for a while.

You’re right, but it was only 1 sentence in a really long OP. It doesn’t feel like they are the priority.

I don't think it's a genuine poster. Sound like someone is fishing for tasty morsels to carry off to some incel/ redit hole to chew on with his basement dwelling chums.

I'm a professional woman and my partner's income has never bothered me. I don't need a man as a meal ticket. The things that matter to me are kindness, consideration, intelligence and independence. And recognition that children need paying for regardless of what the parents are doing. They don't eat less because you split up.

I pay 1/3 of my monthly income for my ds' schooling. The rest goes on mortgage, commuting etc. No gym, no flash car, no eating out, no Netflix. I cook at home, socialise with my child, have inexpensive hobbies.

I ended my last relationship because the man concerned wanted me to put holidays and outings with him before my son. It took me a nanosecond to show him the door.

Surely you should want your kids to be happy first. Try dating a divorced mum who is in the same situation as you. Cook for each other, do free stuff. You might be surprised and enjoy it.

I financially support my partner. He gets some disability benefits and pays some of that to his ex wife and child. I work full time, provide his care and pay for everything else and think he is the kindest and most supportive man I have ever had in my life. We are both lucky to have each other.

I have never chosen my relationships for financial gain though... From what you've said OP, about how the women near you only like a man for his cash, this is not your own perspective (because that's not true -
that's just misogyny). Treat women like you think they're gold diggers and anyone decent will have run to the hills long ago. They won't wait about to be treated like shit.

Why not try to get the relationship with your wife back on track? Put a load of effort in there, appreciating what she brings to the party too. Nice words and actions tend to foster nice words and actions.