Women would you actually date a divorced guy paying all his money in alimony and child support

[Acesup6995]

This may sound like an offensive question and maybe it is. But I am a man who has been married more than 12 years now and I am miserable unhappy in my marriage and have been considering divorce for a long time now. Not because I want to be alone. Not because I hate the idea of marriage. Because I am miserable unhappy with the woman I married, either who she has turned into or who she always was and was just fooling me into believing she actually loved me and wanted a relationship with me wasn't just using me to have kids and pay bills and do chores.

I want to start over. I want to find somebody new, the right woman who would appreciate how hard I would work to make her happy and find that attractive and a turn on.

But what is keeping me in the marriage, other than the obvious that I don't want to screw up my kids lives, is that I am afraid the financial burden of being divorced is going to be so heavy it'll be an albatross around my neck and no woman will be able to look past my financial limitations due to alimony and child support and be willing to take a chance on me to see all the good non financial things I have to offer.

The estimates I'm getting from attorneys are as high as a third of my monthly salary I would have to pay her in combined alimony and child support for at least 10 years. That plus the cost of rent and basic living expenses would leave absolutely zero dollars left over for even the most basic dating for the next decade of my life let alone getting remarried, starting a new life with the right woman. I am afraid I will literally be doomed to be alone until I am into my 60s because I will look like too much financial baggage for any woman to get past the dating phase to see what I have to offer in a relationship.

Maybe it is because I live in an area where it feels like women around here only care about money or maybe it is because my wife acted like she loved me and wanted a relationship and after we had the kids suddenly all she cared about was the things we couldn't afford and nothing makes her happy anymore but money, but I just don't have much trust that women would actually give a guy a chance no matter how good he is to her if he doesn't have money. I would love to be wrong but I haven't seen any evidence of that yet and I'm losing hope.

So honestly, from women, would you ever be willing to look past a guy who is saddled with crippling alimony and child support if he is good to you in every other way.

I think you're getting way too far ahead of yourself OP.

You shouldnt decide to stay or leave an unhappy marriage depending on how easy it will be to get the next woman!

OP this is a UK based forum so you’re unlikely to get the advice you need.

You contradict yourself in your post. You claim to want someone who isn’t a gold digger, but you also state “I would work to make her happy and find that attractive and a turn on”. Which is it? You want someone to love you for you, or to love you for your salary? From your post, it sounds like how hard you work (and therefore the financial benefits that’s brings) is the best you can bring to a relationship. You know what is a real turn on? Someone who supports his wife’s career. Does 50% of everything, including booking appointments, childcare, grocery shopping, cleaning, buying the kids new clothes before they grow out, sorting the kids scoop bags, cooking, laundry etc. And most importantly, financially able to support and house yourself as well as your kids and any future kids you intend to have.

Indeed. Or who thinks 'women around here only care about money'.

No, I wouldn't, OP. Why you are penniless is your own issue, but I wouldn't be supporting you, no. But even if you were spewing gold from every pore like King Midas, I wouldn't be dating someone with your incel-adjacent views.

Amen. What's your plan if everyone comes back and says they wouldn't date you?

Alimony even in the US depending on the state is rare these days unless one person earns a significantly substantial amount more than one, which even at twice her salary isn't really the threshold.
Why is she working part time btw? Is it because you work FT and cannot provide childcare?

Well, as the OP already thinks all the women in his area only care about money, anyway, including the one he married, I suppose he's doomed and will have to live out the rest of his life without finding a brand-new woman who will find him doing chores and paying bills a 'turn on'.

I mean, grow up, OP. We all pay bills and do chores. I don't think husbands in generally are weak at the knees because we pay the gas bill and buy a load of groceries on the way home from work. Mine has signally failed to declare his undying attraction for me because I just paid the electricity bill.

Not in a million years.
But I have been off the dating market for another 22. 😁

I would say if UK it’s 14% of your gross salary - not sure why you would pay over double that at 33% ish

if she is part time she needs to go back to full time

if childcare is involved be nice if you both pay / do it as mean you can both work

would it put me off

no I don’t think so as marriages fail (middle of divorce myself ) and if you are being a decent dad / ex and paying for your kids (unlike mine) then that’s a bonus

I wouldn’t date a man with young children, but that’s more about the complexities of that than the money. The money would be part of it though if it meant the person had none, and therefore it impacted what we could do together.

It’s a huge red flag that you’re asking about dating before your relationship is even ended though, as are other things you are saying. 🚩

Why does mumsnet attract these men? 🙄

I’m with a man that’s been married twice and bankrupt in the past. When I met him he was living in a caravan!
On paper that sounds horrendous!

he’s the most loving caring man ever. Previously I was married to a narcissistic high earning cockwomble so to me, money means nothing, it’s about the person you are

50/50 with your children you wont have to pay so much will you...

I wouldn't date you, but not because of your financial position. You make no mention of your plans around your children and how you plan to fit dating around your care responsibility. For me, that is far more likely to be the sticking point.

If you plan to walk away or be a deadbeat EOW dad, that would be massive red flag. I'd never date a man who would do that, and never trust enough to build any kind of future together.

If you plan 50/50 (or close to it), that would leave very little time for dating. I'd respect you for it, but realistically any relationship would remain very casual for the foreseeable future, as you'd be in no position to make a new partner a priority.

You definitely should end your marriage, you and your wife don't seem to like each other, so it can't be a nice or healthy environment for anyone. Perhaps you need to be alone for a while and concentrate on you?

You’re asking the wrong audience.

this is a UK forum- alimony isn’t really a thing here as women are expected to support themselves after a divorce.

Have the kids 50/50, your (ex) wife will have to get a ft job, problem solved no maintenance to pay, you still see your kids half the week.

No woman I know would consider dating you on the strength of your post, because your given reason for the failure of your marriage is your wife changed.
And because you allude in 3 separate ways to the supposed fact that woman can only be after your money.
And because you seem quite clueless to the bigger impact on a new woman of how and when you will be having your kids.

If you had all the money in the world but little time investment in your children then you'd be an absute no no to me.

Money is not the deal breaker here. Owning your role as a father and reflecting proportionately on your break up. They are the things that show who you are.

That’s based on UK rules though.

o/p is in the US, where it is very different. Even state to state.

so we can’t offer any advice as it may not be relevant to his local divorce law.

No. I wouldn’t. Bad enough being older and dating someone divorced and with baggage. If that meant he’s skint too, I’d have no interest.

I would only be concerned if the person in question was avoiding paying for their child(ren). Why does someone getting a divorce need therapy? Why would only the man need therapy? There is so much wrong in what you write.

I married someone who was divorced with ten years spousal maintenance (just started, as they had been separated years but finances took years to be agreed) and child maintenance until the end of tertiary education.

It’s almost all ended now, it’s been fine financially, but I am also a high earner.

You only get one life, you need to think of your own happiness. Further relationships can come down the line, but there’s no point staying to be miserable, either way.

FWIW, DH’s ex would not have got the settlement now that she got then.

Nope.

🍿

Harsh and unnecessary !

The little mention of wanting a woman to find you a “turn on” was a bit

I briefly dated a guy who paid the mortgage on the family home as well as rent on his own place - teenage son
Don’t know what maintenance he paid on top.
There was minimal money to do anything fun / date wise or so he made out
However , the breaking issue for me was the lack of time he could / would commit
No full weekend could we do something together .
The lack of money I possibly could have overlooked - Im a cheap date

I wouldn’t want anytbing to do with a man who was laying all the blame for his failed marriage with his wife.

Or appeared to just want "a woman" but not the one he's married to.

The first thing you need to do is work on being happy yourself.