Can I do anything about ex constantly using paid childcare?

[sealprincess]

I think the answer is no but just wonder if I am missing anything. Doing 50/50. My ex is using lots of paid childcare eg weekends where 2 or 3 babysitters will come including during the day. I’ve said I am worried about this. I’ve offered to have DC more. There’s no maintenance so that’s not an issue. Ex is rejecting my offers & the childcare continues. DC is OK with some of it but has said would prefer play dates etc - DC is 9. I just don’t know if I can do anything.

Sadly not. It's a shame especially when you're offering to have them but I assume he wants to minimise maintenance and/or assert dominance in some way?

No, it’s none of your business he does in his time sadly. If it’s been a tricky divorce, he could say that you’d be questioning him about where he’s going and who he’s seeing. I know women who would do that, to exert control.

So he’s paying extra for childcare on his time - so when does he actually see the kids

if he’s paying for a nanny must be costing him £15/20ph

seems a shame he won’t allow you to have them

tho was a post the other day from a dad wanting to see his kids more and on mum’s time they went to granny

Can you be more specific about the times eg how often does he have the dc and how is the childcare used? Could you suggest a more flexible plan around his working hours that doesn’t actually reduce the amount he has dc?

Yes I think so. It’s not in DC’s best interests though

I’ve tried this. He just says no. It’s in the daytime at weekends.

I don’t think it’s costing quite that much but I don’t know. He sees DC around school & clubs but the weekends, when they could be doing stuff together or hosting play dates etc, is almost all paid care. Some of it DC is OK with but feels it’s too much.

If he is often using childcare then it’s def something to consider about going to court - tho will cost

I’ve considered court but feel they’re so weighted against women right now & as well as cost there is the stress & impact on DC. I’ve also considered mediation again but ex is unlikely to agree.

Hi op what a shitty thing to do with dc his weekend should be about dc is he dating or working? What will happen over school holidays. What is the situation does he have dc every weekend or other weekend because if it’s every weekend can you not swap these days around is he trying to punish you. Either way it’s shit.

Thanks. He’s working mostly I think. He was a workaholic when we were married. He refuses to change the time split. Sometimes he asks me to do extra nights & I just say yes because it’s better for my child I think. In the holidays he also uses paid childcare, a mix of holiday camps & babysitters. Some of that is Ok & I am involved in booking the camps, but it’s too much. So I don’t know. It feels like I wouldn’t win if I went back to court, & since he is intransigent I can’t do anything else. Hoping my child will have more say when he’s 11 & i can change things then but it’s a way off.

It’s really unfair to you and your dc if he can’t do it himself surely best to let dc stay with his mum than a load of strangers.

If he has to work weekends and use paid childcare then maybe the 50:50 arrangement isn’t ideal and I would be re-visiting this perhaps.
daytime is different to the odd evening babysitter for a meal out or something but even then with 50:50 surely you’d just arrange things around that?

its a bit of an assumption that his mum can help. She can’t.

I have tried to revisit this. He refuses. As I’ve said up thread I don’t believe I’d win if I took him to court over this (& have consulted my lawyer who agrees) so given he completely refuses to reconsider I don’t know what to do.

Of course you can. You have no court order.
you can say ‘children have been upset that they are being left with babysitters instead of spending quality time with you, from their reports it seems that you have been working or busy and they have been left with strangers at home for (e.g.) 5/8 Saturdays. I support them spending quality time with you, however due to the babysitters, They are upset and it’s not in their best interest when they have a parent who is free and willing to care for them at this time, who they would prefer to be with over babysitters. Their wellbeing and wishes and feelings are important. Going forward, unless I get confirmation from you by 2pm
friday in writing that you will be spending time with them on the Saturday, I will collect them from school and you can collect them from me after you finish work on the Saturday on daddy weekends. If you would like to iron our details please respond in writing or organize mediation which I would be happy to attend’

put the onus on him to apply to mediation /court if he doesn’t like your stance. He can’t claim you’re alienating him as you’re making them available to spend quality time. Mediators will help you promote the notion of ‘right of first refusal’ when childcare is needed (you need to do this too). He can’t apply to court without engaging with mediation, and if he does apply what’s the worst that can happen when he currently has 5050? That they give it back? Or do you think he would try for full lives with dad to punish you? Can’t see how he could argue that’s in their best interest.

I think she meant stay with childrens mum ie you op

He sounds a nightmare
hopefully in time it gets better or your child needs to complain to his dad!

My child does complain but isn’t listened fo

But it’s not ‘his’ time court ordered. So parents can do what they like- she’s welcome to stop sending the kids there until after he finishes work on the Saturday and offer him a 5pm collection instead.

I mean you op.

You can listen to your child and take action

It’s not court ordered. We agreed in mediation.
He is freelance so doesn’t need to work set times & I don’t believe he needs to work weekends. He works Sundays as well.
I have offered many many times to have DC when he is working & using paid childcare. He says no.

What action? My lawyer has said I would be unlikely to win if I went to court over this as he can do what he wants in his own time.
I have asked him to change the time split and he has said no.
I am listening to my child. I am advocating for him. I have paid for legal advice to try to fix this. What do you suggest I do?

Sorry I misunderstood.
he sometimes agrees to let DC come to me outside of our agreed times but has refused to renegotiate the time split.